angry metal marketingIn the course of empires, the weak evolve to become the strong via happenstance and fate, in time achieving geo-dominance and a degree of cultural immortality. Following in the footsteps of the great dynastic powers of yore, AMG has slowly grown as a web presence, crawling from the primordial ooze of internet obscurity to walk upon the shores of notoriety and bask in the warmth of the worldwide metal mindshare. With such a meteoric rise, it was inevitable that someday we would reach the dreaded cash grabby stage of blog existence. That day is nigh and after many marketing meetings, strategic planning sessions and shady backroom business deals, we’re finally ready to introduce our line of cutting edge AMG branded goods, products and services. Now browse our wares and allow us to assist you in parting with your superfluous (and perfluous) imperialist cash for the worthy and noble cause of us.

AMG T-shirtAh, where would a self-respecting metal fan be without a cracking t-shirt brimming with rebellious, anti-authority moxie? Now you can express your love for subjective reviews, inside jokes and spheres with our smart and stylish AMG upper body gear. This eye-catching casual wear is 100% cotton substitute, made with actual stitching and available in XL, XXL and XXXL because metal fans are bigger than life! For a little extra, we offer limited edition  “Where’s the goddamn Record(s) o’ the Month?” and “What Would Jorn Do?” tees. Make an angry fashion statement!

AMG RocksNothing says retro quite like the official AMG Pet Rock. With these high quality pieces of earthen entertainment you can finally relive the glory of puzzling 70s fads and bewildering novelty trends without ever subjecting yourself to disco exposure. These sedimentary conversation pieces are sure to be a hit with friends and family and there’s no end to the potential uses. Need something to prop up your precious vinyl? Want something to smash the latest Amaranthe platter with? Now you have the right tool for the job. Uses are limitless but supplies are not!

AMG shame unicornWhen AMG Industries began unicorn shaming bands too kvlt for promo photos, no one knew it would lead to a craze hotter and more perplexing than Cabbage Patch Kids or Beanie Babies. Now you can take part in the mindless consumerism and be the first on your block to own a genuine AMG Shame-iCorn. With this horned companion by your side you’ll experience the rush of power that only comes with judging others via fantasy horses. Never feel alone again, because Shamey® will be watching and silently judging your kvltness. Always.

One of the mysteries of AMG (and there are many) is the strength of our South African fan base. While some bands are big in Japan, we’re big down there where it really counts, and we even recruited a SA citizen for our esteemed reviewing staff. Even without visiting this lovely country, you can probably guess it gets rather hot, so as a heartfelt salute to our loyal fanbase, we proudly target market offer the official AMG Black Icer. With settings of Køld, Grymm and Frøstbitten Kingdøm, it’s nihilistic enough to give you the Scandinavian winter you crave and keep that corpse paint from sweating, even in the hottest of African heat waves. Brrr!

AMG Porta PottyAnd we certainly didn’t forget those hard-working festival promoters, either. Now metal entrepreneurs can give their outdoor extravaganzas invaluable metal cred with the AMG Porto-Potty. Made of near-industrial grade plastic and impact resistant rubber, this portable poo emporium is ready for the serious business that comes with a day of beer, Jäger and sketchy kiosk food. Wicked indeed.

Thanks in advance for your monetary support and remember, think globally, act locally and shop AMG(ally). No trade backsies. All sales are final and extremely binding.

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  • Antoine Roth

    I’d like two rocks and one unicorn please lol ;)

  • Beardfist

    You may be onto something scarily profitable with the “WWJD?” idea.

    • Dr. A.N. Grier

      Jorn is bigger than Jesus!

  • contagioned

    Well, it IS about to be summer soon.

  • Carlos Marrickvillian

    I’d like one AMG branded used outdoor festival toilet and beer cooler please

  • Feytalist

    Ironically, South Africa (at least, my part of it) is gearing up for one of the coldest winters in, like, decades. So… good timing I guess?

    Anyway I really want a AMG t-shirt now.

    • We’re working on it.

    • Refined-Iron Cranium

      I’m feeling it, mate. The conditions yesterday made me quote the weather reporter from Family Guy: “IT’S RAINING SIDEWAYS!”.

      If they *do* make AMG t-shirts, it’ll be good to know there’s a (minute) chance I’ll spot another reader out when I’m feeding lions and hunting wildebeest, you know, typical South African things.

      • Feeding lions… hunting wildebeest, I miss that.

      • Celaeno

        Drove across Texas a few days ago. Definitely had way too much rainin’ horizontal for my taste.

  • De2013

    Besides all the marketing meetings, strategic planning sessions and shady backroom business deals, you were very succesful in hiring Apple’s top designers for creating an epic new AMG logo! Money well spent.

  • Johan

    That was fun, but I can’t help the feeling that you’re poking fun at some other website or something? What am I missing?

    • Nah, it isn’t aimed at anyone. Just playing around as we try to figure out the t-shirt thing.

  • BaboonKing

    I thought Microsoft Paintbrush had been outlawed by the Geneva convention?

    • Dr. A.N. Grier

      If it wasn’t, it is now.

  • Grymm

    I have my own Black Icer setting.




  • But does the vnicørn come in rainbow colours?

  • Lasse Momme

    I want a wicked pissa and i want it now.

  • AndySynn

    Does the rock also keep tigers away?

    • No, but it beats AMG Scissors every time.

      • But don’t underestimate AMG Scissors, they absolutely destroy AMG Paper!

        • Also known as the AMG Editing Method©

          Soon available in a 6 DVD-set

        • Don’t you know, Quartz, Parchment, and Shears is an evil game?

  • Excentric_1307

    I know you guys are so kvlt you didn’t mention it’s availability, but I’ll take a copy of the AMGeelesa poster to hang above my pagan alter.

  • lvtnsnddpths

    Marketing 101: show people joke products and everybody wishes they are real…

    • Bingo!

    • BaboonKing

      Yeah, just look at Goat Simulator for a textbook case…

  • brutal_sushi

    Leonardo Leonardo: Why are they steaming and reeking?
    Randal Graves: They’re the expensive kind.
    Leonardo Leonardo: I must have them. I’ll take the whole box!

  • Monsterth Goatom

    That Unicorn looks inflatable, like a blow-up doll. I’m afraid to ask if it’s anatomically correct.

    • The Animal Husbandry Shame-iCorn costs extra.

    • De2013

      While we’re at it, would it be inappropriate to demand an AMG flesh light?

  • Martin Knap

    No mug? I really need mugs. And shopping bags. And keychains. And phone cases. (the planet and exploited workers in China be damned)

    • And here we have it… Straight from the sweatshop for your viewing pleasure!

      • Now that’s quality craftsmanship! Buy AMG!

      • Martin Knap

        I would like one with wild-style graffiti letters.

        • You get what we have, pal.

          • Martin Knap

            yes, sir.

      • Dr. A.N. Grier

        I’m not gonna lie, whichever sweatshop we contract with does a fantastic job.

      • I’d better get this for Christmas.

  • JJnetZach

    I’d really get behind some near-top-quality AMG toilet paper to go with the Wicked Pissah.

    • Dr. A.N. Grier

      I actually use AMG toilet paper everyday. It’s scented because we tear down rose bushes to make the paper and it’s also abrasive because those rose bushes have thorns…

    • Familiar, yet mildly abrasive like the AMG staff.

    • Diabolus_in_Muzaka

      Our factory noises vary greatly in volume and it clocks in at DR10, and all buzzers/intercom announcements are FLAC files, no exceptions. That, my friend, is the secret to the toilet paper.

      • JJnetZach

        Naturally. Also, DR 7 paper is just too flat for any kind of friction. You seem to know this well, AMG Anal Hygiene Inc will be a great success.

      • Crap, the secret is out.

        • Diabolus_in_Muzaka

          At least we can take comfort in knowing that DR10 will never become the industry standard, so even if the secret is out we won’t have any competition!


          • I’m not giving up yet DiM!

  • Gonzalo Salazar

    What about an actual sphere?
    An empty sphere full of nihilisticness.
    On a base MADE OF METAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Norfair Legend

    I’d buy a shirt, at least it would mostly guarantee me a decent metal conversation had someone who frequents here notice…mostly.

  • Gonzalo Salazar

    What about an actual sphere?
    An empty sphere full of nihilisticness…
    On a base that’s MADE OF METAL!!!!!!!!!!

    • Chronic-Headache

      OMG I WANTS ITS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Carlos Marrickvillian

      haha that is awesome, thank you…

      can I have one please

  • Rob

    i hear it’s super metal these days to have an Etsy account…

  • RU63

    I actually want that shirt! how much?

  • Monsterth Goatom

    I’ll be the one to ask: does the dial on the Icer go to 11?

  • Diabolus_in_Muzaka

    We need shirts so that Tom Hardy can wear one on the press cycle for his next feature film.

  • Danny Becker

    Hilarious. This made my day. Well done sir!

  • Chronic-Headache

    Real or no, this post wins the internet for today

  • Zadion

    Do you do custom prints? Can I request a My Little Pony version of the AMG Shame-iCorn be made for us hardcore kvlt bronies? Thanks in advance!

  • Doomdeathrosh

    while you’re at it, an AMG bowling ball is not a bad bet…..those pesky disappointment albums dealt with AS THEY DESERVE!

  • Tanuki

    Can we get some greeting cards too?. If I’m giving a lucky lady a pet AMG rock to show my love, I want a pop-up goat, sphere, or Jorn head card to go with it.

  • sir_c

    Wish there was a Mercedes-Benz with Am…
    oh… wait…

  • Óðhinn

    For all you angry sleepers out there, try the Angry Metal Guy pillow set. It’s good to know that Angry Metal Guy is nearby while you slumber.