In the course of empires, the weak evolve to become the strong via happenstance and fate, in time achieving geo-dominance and a degree of cultural immortality. Following in the footsteps of the great dynastic powers of yore, AMG has slowly grown as a web presence, crawling from the primordial ooze of internet obscurity to walk upon the shores of notoriety and bask in the warmth of the worldwide metal mindshare. With such a meteoric rise, it was inevitable that someday we would reach the dreaded cash grabby stage of blog existence. That day is nigh and after many marketing meetings, strategic planning sessions and shady backroom business deals, we’re finally ready to introduce our line of cutting edge AMG branded goods, products and services. Now browse our wares and allow us to assist you in parting with your superfluous (and perfluous) imperialist cash for the worthy and noble cause of us.
Ah, where would a self-respecting metal fan be without a cracking t-shirt brimming with rebellious, anti-authority moxie? Now you can express your love for subjective reviews, inside jokes and spheres with our smart and stylish AMG upper body gear. This eye-catching casual wear is 100% cotton substitute, made with actual stitching and available in XL, XXL and XXXL because metal fans are bigger than life! For a little extra, we offer limited edition “Where’s the goddamn Record(s) o’ the Month?” and “What Would Jorn Do?” tees. Make an angry fashion statement!
Nothing says retro quite like the official AMG Pet Rock. With these high quality pieces of earthen entertainment you can finally relive the glory of puzzling 70s fads and bewildering novelty trends without ever subjecting yourself to disco exposure. These sedimentary conversation pieces are sure to be a hit with friends and family and there’s no end to the potential uses. Need something to prop up your precious vinyl? Want something to smash the latest Amaranthe platter with? Now you have the right tool for the job. Uses are limitless but supplies are not!
When AMG Industries began unicorn shaming bands too kvlt for promo photos, no one knew it would lead to a craze hotter and more perplexing than Cabbage Patch Kids or Beanie Babies. Now you can take part in the mindless consumerism and be the first on your block to own a genuine AMG Shame-iCorn™. With this horned companion by your side you’ll experience the rush of power that only comes with judging others via fantasy horses. Never feel alone again, because Shamey® will be watching and silently judging your kvltness. Always.
One of the mysteries of AMG (and there are many) is the strength of our South African fan base. While some bands are big in Japan, we’re big down there where it really counts, and we even recruited a SA citizen for our esteemed reviewing staff. Even without visiting this lovely country, you can probably guess it gets rather hot, so as a heartfelt salute to our loyal fanbase, we proudly
target market offer the official AMG Black Icer. With settings of Køld, Grymm and Frøstbitten Kingdøm, it’s nihilistic enough to give you the Scandinavian winter you crave and keep that corpse paint from sweating, even in the hottest of African heat waves. Brrr!
And we certainly didn’t forget those hard-working festival promoters, either. Now metal entrepreneurs can give their outdoor extravaganzas invaluable metal cred with the AMG Porto-Potty. Made of near-industrial grade plastic and impact resistant rubber, this portable poo emporium is ready for the serious business that comes with a day of beer, Jäger and sketchy kiosk food. Wicked indeed.
Thanks in advance for your monetary support and remember, think globally, act locally and shop AMG(ally). No trade backsies. All sales are final and extremely binding.