Dear Steven Adler,
I understand that you loved Guns ‘N Roses. I mean, really, it must have been the greatest experience of your entire life. It was a time when you were on top of the world. The drummer for an up-and-coming band that owned every venue they played and that got signed and sold millions of records. You had friends, chicks, cash and all the drugs you could sniff, chew on, inject, stick up your ass, and so forth to your little heart’s desire. It’s hard not to imagine that this was the high point of your life, and dude. I get that.
But you know there’s a ‘but’ coming here. But you need to get over it. Every time I go to Blabbermouth there’s some stupid fucking interview where you’re saying something stupid about how Axl Rose will finally pull his braided-haired-head out of his narcissistic and deeply unhappy ass and call you up and say “I want to relive the same shit you want to relive! Let’s do this!” And then, like magic, all the problems that happened between him and Slash will disappear and Duff will drop his shitty band (this is the part of the fantasy I have as well, who told that guy he was any good at writing music? Fucking shit his solo music sucks), Izzy will stop being a reclusive weirdo and that Matt Sorum guy will get eaten by an abominable snowman. And then Jesus will come back to reward you for going clean (in all seriousness, good on you and I hope you keep that up).
But then you had to go and say this shit:
“I always say, as long as the five of us are alive, it could happen, but now I’m gonna turn that around and say, as long as God is alive, I think it will happen,” Adler replied. He continued, “And the most important thing is G’NR owes it to the fans to do a reunion tour.”
Well, to paraphrase Nietzsche: “God is dead.”
It’s not going to happen. It won’t. For all of the reasons that are so obvious to everyone but you. But instead, you just keep pushing and pushing on this dream that is absolutely 100% not going to happen. Dudes are quitting your solo band, which is named after the ONE successful record you played on in your entire life, instead of just playing music for the joy of it. Do you even like playing drums anymore? I can only imagine that hanging out with you has to be the biggest bummer in the entire world. Tale after tale (and there can only be so many before you’re repeating yourself) about how it was when you were the drummer for the best hard rock band since Led Zepplin. But those days are gone.
And more specifically, Guns ‘N Roses owes the fans diddly squat. Axl Rose, obviously, doesn’t give one flying fuck about the fans and none of you ever need to think about it again. You saying it’s about the fans is so goddamned disingenuous that I can hardly stomach it. This is about you wanting to reclaim the best time of your life and no one else cares. The other dudes in the band moved on, did shit and are way over G’NR and so should you be. I know you’ve got a shrink: talk to him or her about this shit. You’re like that dude who got dumped 10 years ago who can’t stop talking about his ex. You know what Lost Horizon would say about this fucking bullshit? They’d say: “HEY MAN WHAT IS THIS!? Sounds like wail of a wimp! Did you let loser side take command?!”
And they’d be right. So get off your mopey ass and DO something with your life. Or at least shut the fuck up.
Love and cuddles,
Angry Metal Guy