So, this is just fucked up, but apparently I’m going to liveblog Eurovision tonight. Yeah, that’s right. I’m going to sit and watch the shittiest TV show on earth for two hours and I’m going to make comments about it. The one planned joke that I had, which was about Belarus’s amazing song is unfortunately already gone, so I will be doing with literally no preparation whatsoever. I suspect that it will be a train wreck of epic proportions. Are you excited? I’m not really.

22.48 - Angry Metal Guy

Jean Luc Ricard: “This is a terrible Oasis song.”

22.45 - Angry Metal Guy


22.41 - Angry Metal Guy


22.40 - Angry Metal Guy

Oh shit. Actually, that was really cool. Awesome on Ukraine. Exploding fire  out of her head FTW!

22.39 - Angry Metal Guy

To quote @GrumpyRocker on Twitter: “Ukraine present their song ‘Fuck You Putin.'”

22.37 - Angry Metal Guy

Wow. This song is custom made for only someone from 4chan to be able to make fun of. “This is dedicated to your grandma who was deported after the war with 5 children and was starving?” Lulz.

22.35 - Angry Metal Guy

I don’t have anything funny to say about Latvia. Because Latvia isn’t funny. This song is just like a shitty Depeche Mode b-side. I kinda wanna go to bed.

22.31 - Angry Metal Guy

SO. 90s. OMFG.

22.27 - Angry Metal Guy

Is Russia’s song about world peace again? I feel like this “World peace through world domination theme” is something they should keep up.

22.25 - Angry Metal Guy

This guy didn’t get in for his voice, it was for his extremely complex shadow animals. Impressive.

22.24 - Angry Metal Guy

Sorry about the website. :(

22.20 - Angry Metal Guy


That feeling when you’re listening to Lithuania’s song…


22.12 - Angry Metal Guy

Sorry Zack. That was uncalled for. :(

Anyway, that Cyprus song was terrible. Anything that gets anywhere close to metal in Eurovision is just sad. It’s not funny, just depressing.

22.11 - Angry Metal Guy

Zack “Friend of the Blog” Ohren?

22.10 - Angry Metal Guy

Who fucking thought that the fucking drum machine over the chorus was a good idea? Olof Mörck?

22.09 - Angry Metal Guy

So two things: for one thing, apparently all the old liveblogs are showing up below. Sorry about that. Secondly, I’m not actually prepared so I’m super not funny. But I am doing a drinking game.

EVERY SWEDISH SONG gets a drink. EVERY KEYCHANGE gets +1 drink. So, 1 key change = 1 drink. Second key change = 2 drinks. 3 key changes = 3 drinks. So. Yeah.

Also, Cyprus. Sent Manmaranthe.

22.05 - Angry Metal Guy

Dear Australia: you missed the memo. This song isn’t supposed to be good. It’s supposed to be “Eurovision.”

22.04 - Angry Metal Guy

OK. Hopefully the website is working again. Apparently it was feeling cranky about me liveblogging Eurovision… Can’t imagine why.

23.14 - Angry Metal Guy

Aside from the toga I don’t see much to laugh at.

22.28 - Angry Metal Guy

Ballads. Blah. Gimme Schlager so I can laugh.

22.26 - Angry Metal Guy

Turkey is amazing. They need a bit of rock n’ roll. Now I gotta decide between Russia and Turkey.

22.18 - Angry Metal Guy


22.17 - Angry Metal Guy


22.17 - Angry Metal Guy

Wow, she rhymed time and mind. I am shocked by the creativity of this song. Know how she got the job.. “Hey, can you jiggle?”

22.15 - Angry Metal Guy

Wow. Yeah, an aphrodisiac her voice is not. Yeesh.

22.13 - Angry Metal Guy

From Twitter “Fuck your Lisa Loeb B-Side!” haha #Eurovision

22.11 - Angry Metal Guy

Shoulda known better.. than to send this boring postrock to Eurovision.

22.10 - Angry Metal Guy

… Paging the website? Denmark? She’s from Ecuador.

22.09 - Angry Metal Guy

So I broke the website. Like. Hard.

21.58 - Angry Metal Guy

This guy is too pretty to pretend to be tough. Also, he sucks. This song sucks.

21.56 - Angry Metal Guy

HIPS LIKE SHAKIRA. This Angry Metal Guy is becoming like HAPPY Metal Guy. (Sexually frustrated and uncomfortable.)

21.54 - Angry Metal Guy

He brought TWO vests so as to avoid wardrobe malfunctions!

21.53 - Angry Metal Guy

Seriously, Estonia sends a ballad. Why all the ballads this year, it makes it kinda lame.

21.51 - Angry Metal Guy

A BRAND NEW GUNSHOT!? Tony Kakko is calling! He wants his shitty English lyrics back!

21.50 - Angry Metal Guy

Italy! Holy crap, I like this song!

21.46 - Angry Metal Guy

See, France gets this whole “only gay men watch Eurovision thing.” Anyway, this song fucking blows. France usually sends something crazy indie and artsy that Hipsters would claim to have loved first. But this year they’re just wearing trainers. WTF.

21.44 - Angry Metal Guy

Here comes France. Half-naked men, apparently. Figured out what Cyprus never got.

21.40 - Angry Metal Guy

Cyprus sent the sex squad, unaware that only gay men watch Eurovision.

21.40 - Angry Metal Guy

Solfstafir is disappoint.

21.38 - Angry Metal Guy

So far so folk metal. But, she’s bad. She’s singing off the whole time.

21.36 - Angry Metal Guy

Russia gets my vote! For sure. But now to Iceland. Where they’ve hopefully sent Solstafir.

21.35 - Angry Metal Guy


21.33 - Angry Metal Guy

Russia threw in the towel!

21.32 - Angry Metal Guy

RUSSIA! They’re from Russia! And they’re sweet! And old. I don’t have any idea what’s going on.

21.30 - Angry Metal Guy

She’s wearing Prince’s bathrobe! Wait a second.. wasn’t she playing piano!? OH GOD WHERE DID THE WIND COME FROM!?!?

21.29 - Angry Metal Guy

You know what really kills my funny? Bosnia.

21.27 - Angry Metal Guy

This song gets point for the bassline. That was actually pretty good.

Too everything else was shit.

21.26 - Angry Metal Guy

Bustin’ a move! Apparently he’s like 17.. it really is just someone without self insight that would sing this song.

21.25 - Angry Metal Guy

Oooh! Love is BLIND! Now I get it!

21.24 - Angry Metal Guy

This man is ready for his mistress after the show.

21.22 - Angry Metal Guy


21.22 - Angry Metal Guy

Albania going for the angsty art card, apparently. I have trouble making fun of someone so incredibly miserable. Except that she has a breakfast roll on her head.

21.20 - Angry Metal Guy

Oo! Albania! They sent someone who got 5th in their version of American Idol. A sure winner about how much life sucks!

21.18 - Angry Metal Guy

What’s funny about this being the 80s is that Hungary is actually just this far behind in popular culture. This man’s hair.

Do you ever feel bad for the guy miming the guitar parts? ‘Cause.. what a sad thing to do.

21.17 - Angry Metal Guy

Hungary. I have nothing funny to say. How’s your dictator?

21.15 - Angry Metal Guy

Ok. Does this work? Engelburk Humberdick?

00.34 - Angry Metal Guy

Alright, I guess that’s that. I’ll probably do this again next year, ’cause I enjoyed it. Hopefully next year a song that isn’t actually patently horrible wins.

Well, they’re all horrible.. but hopefully there will be a singer who can hit the notes properly and that the song will be at least mildly memorable.

Yup. ‘Til next year.

00.22 - Angry Metal Guy

Wow. “Europe.” You’re stupid.

00.20 - Angry Metal Guy

You can hear how the crowd is really unhappy about the results. They should be super stoked, but they’re not. Because no one actually LIKES Azerbaijan’s song.

00.18 - Angry Metal Guy

Fucking Azerbaijan? Really!? REALLY!?

00.16 - Angry Metal Guy

Meh. Spain. 8 to Romania. 10 to France and 12 to Italy. Surprised? Should we be. Meh.

00.12 - Angry Metal Guy

I’m getting tired of this ’cause I think Azerbaijan is to win. And it shouldn’t.

00.10 - Angry Metal Guy

Azerbaijan’s song sucks, in case you’re wondering what I was thinking. It wasn’t even good. WTF?

Hungary gives 12 to Iceland!!

00.09 - Angry Metal Guy

Portugal, I think I missed Malta but they don’t deserve to be talked about due to voting for Azerbaijan. 8 to Azerbaijan, 10 to Italy and 12 points to Spain. Sweden is fuuuucked.

00.07 - Angry Metal Guy

Albania 12 points to Italy. And 8 to Azerbaijan. There’s goes Sweden’s hopes, eh? Eh? Yeah. Azerbaijan will take this.

00.05 - Angry Metal Guy

Romania gives 8 points to Greece. 10 points to Azerbaijan. Fuck. And 12 points to Moldova. Nice.

Have I mentioned how much I dislike Azerbaijan?

00.04 - Angry Metal Guy

Belarus. I wanted them to win. 8 points to Germany. 10 points to Ukraine. 12 to Georgia. “Congratulations. We’re patriotic!”

00.03 - Angry Metal Guy

Croatia gives 8 to Serbia (despite the killing), 10 points to Azerbaijan (sigh), and 12 points to Slovenia!

Azerbaijan? REALLY!?

00.02 - Angry Metal Guy

Serbia. Gives 8 to Hungary. 10 to Slovenia and 12 points Bosnia.

00.01 - Angry Metal Guy

Ah, the frogs. 8 points to Italy. 10 points to Sweden. 12 points to SPAIN! Hell yes.

00.00 - Angry Metal Guy

Georgia ALSO woted. 8 points to Azerbaijan (looks like they’re going to win). 10 points to Ukraine. 12 points to Lithuania.

23.58 - Angry Metal Guy

Greece gives their 12 points to France. Who even cares about the others.

23.57 - Angry Metal Guy

Switzerland. 8 points to Germany. 10 points to Iceland. Bosnia gets 12 points.

23.56 - Angry Metal Guy

Turkey. 8 points to Georgia. Bosnia 10 points. Azerbaijan 12 points. Fucking Azerbaifuckingjan. They are so fucking bad.

23.55 - Angry Metal Guy

Wow. Erik Saade used the word “persons” correctly instead of “people.” Congratulations on better English understanding.

23.53 - Angry Metal Guy

Sloveeenia. ALSO embarrassing. 8 to Denmark. 10 to Serbia and 12 to Bosnia! No surprise.

23.52 - Angry Metal Guy

Azerbaijan. I hate how these stars come on and try to remind you that they’re worth remembering. They’re not.

8 points to Greece. 10 points go to Georgia and 12 points to Ukraine! Cinderella’s evil mommy on the way!

23.49 - Angry Metal Guy


23.49 - Angry Metal Guy

San Marino. 8 points to Greece. 10 points to motherfucking Azerbaijan. 12 points to Italy.

23.48 - Angry Metal Guy

Who is that guy? Sweden. He’s annoying. God he’s annoying. I hate him. I don’t know who he is, but I hate him.

8 points to Bosnia. DENMARK!? Fucking Denmark. 10 points. 12 points to Ireland. God.

23.46 - Angry Metal Guy

Poland. “You’re having a great time. We’re here in Poland. Crying. Alone. In the dark.”

8 points to Azerbaijan. 10 points to Italy! (That’s a first, right?) And 12 points to Lithuania. Lithuania!? WTF?

23.45 - Angry Metal Guy

Austria says 8 points to Azerbaijan. 10 points to Germany. And 12 points to Bosnia and Herzogovina! Wow.

23.44 - Angry Metal Guy

Apparently I’m getting smygpatriotisk and I kinda want Sweden to win even though I hate the song. Denmark gives 10 points to Sweden and 12 points to Ireland. Which is insanity. I think it’s just ’cause they have the same hairstyle.

23.43 - Angry Metal Guy

England voting now. 12 points to Ireland in England. Jedward. *sigh*

23.42 - Angry Metal Guy

Slovakia sends hot chick who can’t speak English. YAY! 12 points to Ukraine. Sweden and Ukraine 1st and 2nd place. Wow.

23.40 - Angry Metal Guy

Iceland sent an Aryan to report their points and give 12 points to Denmark. Why? WHY!?

23.40 - Angry Metal Guy

FYR Macedonia. 8 points to Serbia. 10 points to Slovenia (r0wr). And 12 points to Bosnia and Herzogovina!!

This is über political. Hooray.

23.38 - Angry Metal Guy

Armenia. Apricot Stoooone!

8 points to Russia. 10 points to Georgia. 12 points to Ukraine.

23.37 - Angry Metal Guy

Finland. Wote. Wote. Hahaha. The Finnish wote. Only 6 to Sweden!

8 points to Iceland. Wow. Really, Finland? 10 points to Ireland. 12 points to Hungary!!

BTW: Finland, because of that vote Sweden will KICK YOUR ASS IN HOCKEY!

23.37 - Angry Metal Guy

Norway 8 points to Iceland. Surprise. 10 points to Sweden. Also a surprise. 12 points to Finland!! They like nice guys in Norway.

23.35 - Angry Metal Guy


8 points to Russia (GASP!). 10 points to Azerbaijan. 12 points to Georgia. Ayup.

23.34 - Angry Metal Guy

Cyprus. 8 to Azerbaijan. 10 to Sweden. And 12 to Greece! That was unexpected!!!

23.32 - Angry Metal Guy

Italy gives 8 points to Moldova. 10 to England (WTF!?). And 12 points to ROMANIA!!!

23.32 - Angry Metal Guy

The Netherlands give 8 to Bosnia. 10 points to Sverige. “Härligt.” 12 points to DENMARK!? Holland.. Denmark wants to fuck you.

23.30 - Angry Metal Guy

Bulgaria. You know what I’m not going to do this. 12 to fucking ENGLAND!? OH GOD. THIS IS GOING TO BE TERRIBLE.

23.29 - Angry Metal Guy

Russia needs to stop talking now. 8 points to Greece. 10 points to Ukraine. 12 points to Azerbaijan.

23.27 - Angry Metal Guy

Oh, here comes the voting! THE VOTING! HOLY CRAP!!

23.26 - Angry Metal Guy

Holy crap. I want that Flying V. I think we just had the most metal moment in the show.

23.24 - Angry Metal Guy

Dear German announcers: please go away with Lena.

23.17 - Angry Metal Guy

Wow, ska is SUPER HUGE in Germany, isn’t it?

23.11 - Angry Metal Guy

So, who are you voting for? Comments are open.

23.07 - Angry Metal Guy

Ich bin ein Berliner!

23.04 - Angry Metal Guy

Ok, Finland not horrible.

Bosnia and Herzogovina not so horrible. Cute, I like that song well enough.

Denmark = Crap.

Lithuania = Boring as hell.

Hungary. No pants. Probably could’ve used ’em. What about my eyes?

Ireland should go away. Please go away.

Sweden = So going to lose. Not going to be popular. Please, don’t let it be popular. SOMMARPLÃ…GA here we come.

Estonia. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible.

Greece. Oddly not homoerotic.

Russia. Homoerotic.

France. Pretentious.

Italy. Aw, this song is sorta sweet and old timey, could vote for it. Not horribly metal, though.

Switzerland. Nah.

UK. HORRIBLE. HOOOORRIBLE. Wins the “Uncomfortable Line between Extreme Masculinity and Homoeroticism” Award.

Moldova. Under better circumstances would have my vote.

Germany. Yay, Lena’s career is about to nose dive!

Romania. Old school. Maybe a taaad bland, but I want to encourage old fashioned schlager.

Austria. No.

Azerbaijan. No points for nose jobs.

Slovenia wins sexiest entry of the evening, in my opinion.

Iceland. .. You sent Dansband!?


Ukraine. Human blood? Human blood!? Crystalized!?

Serbia. Deserves someone’s vote. I hope they place well.

Georgia. I want to vote for HER and not the rest of the band.

22.56 - Angry Metal Guy

And now we’re back to the stupid announcers. And Anka’s stupid dress.

22.55 - Angry Metal Guy

Rapper, rapper, go away.. come again some othe..

NO wait. Don’t. This chick has got some pipes. She makes Tarja look like a n00b.

22.54 - Angry Metal Guy

OK, here’s Georgia tryin’ to be Linkin Park.

Man that fucking dress is HIDEOUS.

22.51 - Angry Metal Guy

Serbia’s song is no joke awesome. I love it. Old school Jackson 5 kinda feel to it and not in English. Total win.

22.49 - Angry Metal Guy

Oh! Serbia! She’s just adorable and the song is really cute and retro. Schlager from 60s and NOT IN FUCKING ENGLISH! And it’s Magical.

22.48 - Angry Metal Guy

Yeah, she’s definitely singing about human blood. I think I’m voting for Ukraine.

22.47 - Angry Metal Guy

So help me with these lyrics: “We have crucified so hard.. we are falling down. We’re the team of human dreams and it’s (inaudible) we have done something with them, it’s made of human blood, something something.. crystalized.” Right?

22.46 - Angry Metal Guy

Oh, Cincerella’s step mom is doing sand art. I didn’t know she had that talent. I thought she just poisoned innocent little girls who were prettier than her.

Like this singer.

22.44 - Angry Metal Guy

Ukraine. Seriously, I’m pretty sure that Cinderella’s evil step mom is involved in the next song!

22.44 - Angry Metal Guy





22.43 - Angry Metal Guy

It’s like Angry Metal Guy kryptonite!!!!


22.42 - Angry Metal Guy

Oooh! SPAIN’s song SO HAPPY.

22.41 - Angry Metal Guy

So apparently the only successful Spanish person they could find in Germany was a child. Which.. says something about their immigration programs, huh. ;)

22.40 - Angry Metal Guy

OK. So Iceland is playing country. And my website just sucks. It keeps fucking kicking me off. Also, I’m eating Gyros.

22.34 - Angry Metal Guy

The backup singer with the punky hair is super cute, btw.

And no, lady, I don’t want you.

22.33 - Angry Metal Guy

Oh, Slovenia. This song stinks.

She’s cursing her ex, btw. “No one will ever hold you tight, you son of a bitch.”

22.30 - Angry Metal Guy

Meh. This song is boring and the harmonies are off. How are harmonies EVER off in these settings? There is so much money in this stuff they should have good monitoring.

“Hey look, you have a great nose job!”

22.28 - Angry Metal Guy

You can blame Swedes for this song, too, apparently.

Azerbaijan. So I heard this song briefly in semi 1 and hated it. Oh, that guy can actually sing. He’s the best male voice yet. And this chick has the best nose job yet.

22.27 - Angry Metal Guy

She has a great wig, though.

22.26 - Angry Metal Guy

OK. Here’s Austria. Apparently there’s too much shit going on so I missed Romania. But I actually really liked Romania’s song. It reminds me of Elton John or ABBA. Classic schlager.

Austria on the other hand should go away. Please. Please. Please go away. NOW!

22.21 - Angry Metal Guy

Hahahahaha. “And Britney Spears is a young, mentally stable woman from USA.” hahahahahahahahaha. That was just said on Swedish TV. Hahahahahahahahaha.

22.18 - Angry Metal Guy

This is the part where Lena starts saying she wants to be “taken seriously as an artist.”

22.17 - Angry Metal Guy

Wow, the body suit dancing is.. very, very artsy. Also, she’s got those stupid pants that are super cool in Sweden right now. They look a bit like Hammer pants.

22.15 - Angry Metal Guy

Oh no. It’s Lena. They’re saying this is “Cocky.” What they really want to say is “GERMANY KILLED A LOT OF JEWS!”

22.14 - Angry Metal Guy

This is awesome. Just.. there’s a chick on a unicycle with a pointy pink hat.

Just suck that in and try to tell yourself that we’re not living in end days.

22.13 - Angry Metal Guy


22.12 - Angry Metal Guy

Also, I think that England might win the award for the “Uncomfortable Line between Extreme Masculinity and Homoeroticism” award.

And Moldova is awesome. Look at these hats! It’s like Devo reincarnated as Moldovan pop singers!

22.10 - Angry Metal Guy

Wow, the harmonies here are so heinously bad. These guys are PROFESSIONAL pop musicians that people LIKE!?

22.09 - Angry Metal Guy

Someone should write a dissertation about tokenism in boy bands.

Also, the cleavage shirts just fucking HURT MY EYES.

22.08 - Angry Metal Guy

Here’s England. Blue, I guess they’re called. How can dudes who look this macho sing music that is so FUCKING LAME?

22.06 - Angry Metal Guy

I think she’s going off.. and yeah, it’s just kind of painful. Switzerland was never filled with vikings either, so it’s hard to complain about. Though, I guess they did have Mozart, and this is a far cry from that.

This professional judge says NEJ!

22.05 - Angry Metal Guy

Oh, so that was like reggae and now it’s something my dad would listen to.

It’s weird how those two things go together. My dad isn’t very metal.

22.03 - Angry Metal Guy

Oh, Switzerland. This girl is cute.

22.00 - Angry Metal Guy

Huh, this song isn’t terrible. It’s a little cheesy like something my grandma would listen to, but like. It’s not actually heinous crap.

That’s no fun.

21.59 - Angry Metal Guy

Whoa, I think the vocalist broke.

But the trumpet player is good. I guess, not that he’s really playing.

21.58 - Angry Metal Guy

Italy. Another of the “we’re in because we give shit tons o’ money” countries. They’re singing in English, the Swedes are upset.

21.57 - Angry Metal Guy

Wait, is that Jean Val Jean!?

21.55 - Angry Metal Guy

Hey look, France is better than us!

21.54 - Angry Metal Guy

France sends opera. Because they’re trying to avoid the reputation that they’re pretentious.

21.52 - Angry Metal Guy

By the way, if you’re interested what a narcissist looks like up close. Look at this guy winking at the camera.

21.51 - Angry Metal Guy


However, blame Sweden for this crap, not Russia. Apparently all the back up singers and song writer is Swedish. But the skeezbag is Russian.

21.49 - Angry Metal Guy

What the hell? David Beckham is singing for Greece!

21.46 - Angry Metal Guy

Greece. Greece tends to win the “Uncomfortable Line between Extreme Masculinity and Homoeroticism” award, let’s see how this is this year.

21.45 - Angry Metal Guy

Oh, but she loves America!

21.44 - Angry Metal Guy

Man, the 80s are SO in right now. Look at the colors and the stupid pants and the stuff in the background. It’s crazy. this is how the world looked when I was 6.

21.43 - Angry Metal Guy

This is Angry Metal Girlfriend’s least favorite song.

Cause it sucks. “1. 2. 7. 3.” Estonians have issues with counting.

21.42 - Angry Metal Guy


21.41 - Angry Metal Guy

Oh God. Estonia. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. This song sucks.

21.40 - Angry Metal Guy

He sings right through his nose..

BTW, if you don’t recognize that verse melody here it is:

21.38 - Angry Metal Guy

What’s with the stupid Viking?

OK, Eric Saade. This song blows. And no, dude, you’re not going to be popular. Heja Sverige!

21.37 - Angry Metal Guy

So think this song is going to win? I do. And I have nothing funny to say, I basically am dreading it. Also, as to Ireland’s flagging economy: Eurovision costs a shit ton.

Have fun winning!

21.35 - Angry Metal Guy

Twins. With the shoulder pads from hell. And look at that hair. What did I say? What did I say? So much stupid hair spray in Eurovision this year. Don’t light a match near these two…

21.34 - Angry Metal Guy

Oh fuck. Jedward. These kids are so. annoying.

21.33 - Angry Metal Guy

She can sing and she’s not doing it in English. Also there’s an “ooncha ooncha ooncha” going on somewhere, so I don’t hate this.


Ok, I do hate it, but you know.

21.30 - Angry Metal Guy

What about your pants, lady?

21.30 - Angry Metal Guy

Whoa. She has scary eyes and a terrible skirt.

21.29 - Angry Metal Guy

Boring isn’t funny.

Hungary next. Apparently this song isn’t crappy.

21.27 - Angry Metal Guy

Did she just sing “Send my help to me?”

21.26 - Angry Metal Guy

Lithuania. This one I’d not heard before. Piano. Woman. Singing.

So I’m bored.

21.23 - Angry Metal Guy

You know Denmark was once filled with the most feared blood-thirsty warriors in the world, right? Yeah. What the fuck happened? Fuck you guys. You suck.


21.23 - Angry Metal Guy

Sing for Me? Something like that.

In any case, this is what Denmark did last year, just rip off someone else’s already familiar song and they did well.

Also, the spiky, stupid hair is fucking hip this year.

21.22 - Angry Metal Guy

Oh, here’s Denmark. They’re ripping off that “Sing Out Loud” song.

21.21 - Angry Metal Guy

Apparently Angry Metal Girlfriend is already in love with the old guy from Bosnia & Herzogovina. Twice single tonight. (She’s even waving her hands with them.. honestly).

21.20 - Angry Metal Guy

Wow, the long-haired guy on the left is so happy he forgot to play! And what’s with the random hip hopper dancing around doing nothing?


OHHH! He’s playing TRUMPET! Turns out you can’t play trumpet without a cocked hat in those Balkan states.

21.18 - Angry Metal Guy

Dino Merlin. Bosnia & Herzogovina. This man hasn’t purchased a new suit jacket since 1968.

21.17 - Angry Metal Guy


21.16 - Angry Metal Guy

This reminds me of a Crowded House song, and Angry Metal Girlfriend is already in love. Looks like I’ll be single by the end of the night.

21.15 - Angry Metal Guy

Oh, we’re starting with Finland. Paradise Oskar. Apparently this kid wrote a song because he thinks that Eurovision sucks and then he won. So, I guess that’s kind of rad. But his song is about global warming.

21.11 - Angry Metal Guy

Swedish announcers making fun of Germany and saying that the theme should be “Don’t mention the War.” Holy fucking awesome.

Also, the chick on the right is wearing aluminum foil. But she’s giving me sex eyes. r0wr.

21.10 - Angry Metal Guy

Apparently they redid this stadium just for this. Man, there is so much money bound up in this bullshit. Incredible.

By the way, how does one become an “expert” so that one can vote in this? I think Angry Metal Guy should be an expert. Yes, this is something I believe. I am an expert who should definitely, definitely judge this shit.

21.06 - Angry Metal Guy

Wow, this rendition of the “Satellite” song that won last year is wicked awesome compared to the version that won. Though, check it out Rockabilly is so trendy right now it made it into Eurovision. Yup.

Eat that, scene kids. All your stupid tattoos just make you a trendwhore.. ha.

21.04 - Angry Metal Guy

Whoa. Windmilling as a start up. This just got super metal fast. Shoulda known, this is Germany.

Oh wait, got lame. Though, it was super great that they’re making fun of that stupid Lena girl’s terrible accent. She should be punished for that.

21.03 - Angry Metal Guy

By the way, the German announcers are retarded.

21.02 - Angry Metal Guy

Anyone from Australia who is watching this at 5 am is a fucking moron.

21.01 - Angry Metal Guy

Well, here it is. I’m watching this on Swedish TV and oh man. These announcers are really happy. Know why? ‘Cause Sweden is here. Also, there’s hearts.

20.38 - Angry Metal Guy

Oh, sweet Atheismo, it’s only 22 minutes now. I’m definitely regretting this already as we’re having Internet problems over here so I’ll be using 3G to power my rants.

Fucking Eurovision.

18.24 - Angry Metal Guy

So the question has already been asked: Why? The answer is obvious: Because Angry Metal Girlfriend isn’t nearly as responsive of an audience to my bitchy comments.

18.11 - Angry Metal Guy

So, this is my testing live blog entry. And here’s some basic information for everyone. First, you can watch this shit over at, so even if you’re not in Europe you can suffer through what is quite possibly the most horribly wonderful experience in the entire world. Also, the show starts at 21.00 (9 PM) Central European Time, so that’s 2 PM Central Standard Time in the US, and you can figure out where you are in relation to this otherwise. And, yeah, I’ll be starting up around then.

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  • Tell me, WHY are you going to do this? :P

    • It could be fun. Mostly, I don’t have enough people around to make bitter jokes, too. So instead: the Internets shall feel my wrath.

      • Hahahaha! Well I am ready for it :P

  • Gustav S.

    …So the obvious question is of course: who are you rooting for?

  • Juuso

    Yay Eurovision.. I always watch this shit just for the lulz and facepalms. I’m sure your blog will make it even more entertaining to suffer through.

  • I’m already amused! Thank you AMG.

  • For next year, just send them a link for this site, this should definitely qualify you as a judge!

    Oh, and love the “war” comment, seems so much more fun than the Danes…

  • Ha ha, the Danish guy was holding up the loser sing himself, before anyone else had the chance to do it for him. Sound idea, I must say…

  • Dan

    My night gonna be better I tell you!
    Watching the stream without sound, listening to the new Septicflesh instead and reading ur awesome comments. :D

  • Penis


  • If this shit flies, Sweden should have sent Diablo Swing Orchestra…

  • nsx


    Watch out for Georgia’s entry (i think they are on last). It’s pretty cool in a linkin park kind of way!

  • Are they really singing “Go Wacken”?

  • If there is any justice in the world, these guys will win so overwhelmingly big, they just shut down the contest from now on!

  • Danish commentator acting smart as hell;”Yes, she’s absolutely right, there are five songs left.”

    Oh God…

  • Yeah, I heard Deicide helped Ukraine with those lyrics…

    • Hahaha. Yes. Something about HUMAN BLOOD. Honestly, that was great.

  • Not voting, but my hopes are definitely for Moldova!
    Although, I completely agree with you Serbia, so hope that one does well…

    • Hahah. Moldova was pretty fucking rad. Though, I’d say Spain or Serbia actually deserve it.

  • Richard

    Eastern Europeans are THE hottest.

  • Nordick

    Moldova got my vote like you wouldn’t fucking believe it. I want me one of those bitchin’ cone hats.

  • Emma

    My vote totally goes to Ireland, no matter how annoying they are. Their song is awesome.

    • Is it really!? REALLY!? Angry Metal Girlfriend says I was “digging to it.” She’s been eating mushrooms, though.

      • Emma

        I think Jedward had their fair share of mushrooms too.

        • Haha. I think “Europe” at large had a lot of drugs tonight, since they thought that Azerbaijan didn’t suck.

          • Emma

            Amen. They even made Saade sound good, and if someone can manage that, it’s a mystery how they got qualified in the first place.

            Shame on you Europe.

  • antic

    Hah. Eurovision. Not very metal.

    Watched the whole show with gf too :/

  • Gustav S.

    Spain deserve it?
    Are you insane? Spain has to be the worlds most underdeveloped country when it comes to pop music.

  • m/k

    Wy picks:
    Serbia: Like you said, entertaining and NOT in english. Derivative without being cheezy, flirty without being annoying.

    Ukraine: As far as stage production goes, the background was amazing and added to the experience. You tend to notice these things after so many annoying, blinking backgrounds.

    Moldova: Will never win, sadly. A bit more and it could have been smashing. The tempo was fast it that folk/polka way, and I didn’t mind the hats.

    Azerbaijan: It was genuine and well-done enough.

    Go Eastern Europe! Haha. But we all know none of these would win, so it’s probably going to Mr Popular >__>

  • mariogv

    i liked moldova and france. Or maybe I should say that I disliked them less… By the way, I loved the idea AMG, I watched the show only because of you!

  • Tarja

    I can’t be arsed to vote, don’t really care enough, but it’s been a hoot to read your comments. Thanks to you this has been the most entertaining Eurocrap night since Lordi. (Yes, I’m a Finn.) But if I could vote for the absolute worst act, it would SO be the United Kingdom. Utter horror… However, according to our evening papers we are apparently going to win. Yeah, right.

  • That female announcer with the bun on her head looks scary… Scary…

  • mariogv

    Moldovan singer’s voice reminds me of Fernando Ribeiro from Moonspell, am I still sane?

  • K. Pitkämäki

    The first time in ten years that I watched this heaping pile of musical garbage, and almost enjoyed it thanks to you :) Would be awesome if next year Finland sent another metal band, perhaps our dear Moonsorrow would take the burden. Their style would be absolutely perfect to give the finger to this whole atrocious “contest”.

    Oh yeah and tomorrow will be den glider in all over again!

    • Yeah, it’s really a pile of shit, innit? Hahaha.

      • K. Pitkämäki

        DEN GLIDER IN!!! Holy fucking shit 6-1, never in my dreams would I have thought we would win like that. But come on you already have 8 championships this was only our second…

        • Oj oj oj. Jag hade hoppats att Sverige skulle slÃ¥ er ikväll bara för att ni inte röstade pÃ¥ Saade. :P

  • Jim

    So, for an American AMG fan, fill me in…what the christ is Eurovision? It sounds like some tremendously sketchy cable channel…

    • It’s a song contest where every country sends a song and then they compete. It’s like 50 countries now, not exactly “Europe” per se, but still. Anyway, the winner hosts the contest the following year. This year it was Germany, next year it will be Azerbaijan.

  • Gustav S.

    Can’t help but to root for Jedward from a ”pop perspective” It’s the most succesfull and the only one of these songs that I feel could have become a hit on it’s own.

  • Dan

    Is Azerbaijan even in europe?! its freakin Asia in my book! Can they even afford having this shit.

  • That last point giver (Latvia was it?) looked completely drunk, ha ha!
    Well, thanks for a great time AMG, and have a good night!

    • Glad you enjoyed it Tobias. Sorry if I didn’t get a chance to respond to your comments in time. I gotta work on that for next year.

      • No worries mate, took me some time going between the tellie and the computer as well, and I was also thrown (from the sitee) from time to time, so I was more busy checking the updates anyway. See you again next year!

  • Matt N

    You’re a prince, AMG. Thanks for taking one for the team and making me laugh like an idiot!

  • zolos

    damn, you should had let us know of that way ahead of time, to be prepared for the liveblog. next year! :D

    • zolos

      also, LOL at the comments and especially @Greece, you rule malaka ahahahah