There’s no doubt that this is one fucked up world. And to add insult to injury, Autograph has a new album. I mean, I wouldn’t want to say glam metal is irrelevant these days, but it is. And one of its pioneers is unwilling to die—trying to hold on to what it has (“Turn Up the Radio”) and hasn’t (everything else) contributed to this world. How ol’ Steel convinced me to review Autograph‘s newest Sunset Strip nightmare, Get off Your Ass, is fucking beyond me. Ain’t it bad enough I had to review the new Wintersun? For fuck’s sake, I even have Fozzy‘s new record to review next. Why me, goddamit? Well, at least this thing is only nine tracks. That shouldn’t be too bad, right?

Before we get started, I want you to know that I don’t hate all hair metal. Only Ratt, Poison, Cinderella, Whitesnake, White Lion, Great White, Damn YankeesDef LeppardMötley Crüe, Quiet Riot, and Kiss. OK, so the short list ain’t that short, but one band I don’t hate is Autograph. To be honest, I actually find Sign In Please to be a full, fun disc. Follow-up release, That’s the Stuff, is a close second, but the rest of the band’s material drops off into mediocrity. Then, after 1987’s Loud and Clear, the band called it quits. In 2003, they returned with comeback record, Buzz—an album without longtime guitarist Steve Lynch. Unfortunately, Buzz was the first sign of the band’s aging. And Get Off Your Ass is the second. Nonetheless, Lynch is back—vocalist Steve Plunkett is not—and Autograph is full-fledged Dad Metal.

Seriously, you can’t get more Dad Metal than “Get Off Your Ass.” I say that to my son a dozen times a day. And now I have an official anthem to blare across the house when he’s sitting on his ass playing video games. Just the same, the album-opening title track is one of the better songs. It’s a hair metal classic with chipper riffage and a strong chorus that gets signature full-band support. It’s upbeat, it’s got a mid-song solo, and it climaxes in true glam metal fashion. Unfortunately, the songwriting formula for Get Off Your Ass doesn’t change from song-to-song. And quality decreases from here.

Songs like the rocking “You Are Us We Are You” and the bluesy “Meet Me Half Way” are almost as fun as the opener, but “Every Generation,” “All I Own,” “I Lost My Mind in America,” and “All Emotions” are not. “Every Generation” and “I Lost My Mind in America” are two upbeat pieces with a string of eye-rolling lyrics and a couple of the goofiest choruses this year. The former is like listening to your dad try to drop some inspirational shit as you unpack your first-year dorm. And, though the latter has a slick old-school riff, the chorus makes me cringe. “All I Own” and “All Emotions” take the all to the max. This time it’s in the form of sap.  “All Emotions” starts on a good foot, with a cruising riff and a fun gallop, but takes a quick turn for the sticky stuff. And the chorus is one of the cheesiest of the year. OK, that’s a lie. “All I Own” has the cheesiest chorus of the year. Not only is this song hard to describe, it’s hard to listen to.

But, the best track on the album is the tenth track. The reason I don’t count this closer as a part of the album is that it’s a live track of their classic “Turn Up the Radio.” As if to let everyone know this was the band that nearly topped the charts back in 1984 and fueled the next generation’s desire to drive recklessly through the streets of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. I do love the song but its presence here reminds me of a band that used to have loads of energy and one of the best debuts in the genre.

Unfortunately, the Autograph of 1984 is gone. The glory days of Sign In Please and That’s the Stuff are gone and, instead, Get Off Your Ass sounds on par with Buzz. That said, if you liked Buzz, Get Off Your Ass might sit well with you. If you’re like me, this new record will disappoint more than it’ll please.


Rating: 1.5/5.0
DR: 6 | Format Reviewed: 128 kbps mp3
Label: EMP Label Group
Websites: autographband.com | facebook.com/autographband
Releases Worldwide: October 6th, 2017

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  • RuySan

    Hair/Glam Metal is the kind of music that doesn’t work when it’s not trendy. How can you grab about groupies or money when you have none?

    Anyway, Skid Row were great. And i’d take any of those shit hair metal band you mentioned over what passes for mainstream music these days.

    • Grymm

      Slave to the Grind is criminally underrated.

      • wayne the devil

        I even liked that album…..

      • RuySan

        I loved that album when I was about 12 years old. My English was quite rudimentary, so I though that when Sebastian Bach was singing “Get the fuck out!” he was ordering people to stop having sex (maybe some perverts in the middle of the park).

        • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

          A glam metal song telling people to stop having sex? That would have been weird!

          • RuySan

            This was the time where AIDS was as scary as the black death, and freddy mercury had recently died, so it made sense in my little stupid head.

            I thought Sebastain Bach was just giving good advice, in the same way that we should look at both sides of the road before crossing.

          • Name’s Dalton

            Wow. You put more thought into the meaning of that song than anyone else has ever combined.

      • HeavyMetalHamster

        Quicksand Jesus is a wicked tune

        • RuySan

          And so it was In a Darkened Room. Two great similar power ballads in one album. They were Skid Row’s “Crazy” and “Cryin'”.

        • Nag Dammit

          That song is so great, in the most fondue inducing way possible. His scream just before the final solo is immense. Proper cheese on toast.

      • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

        Also, with that album Skid Row did the one thing very few bands do: they got heavier.

  • Brutalist_Receptacle

    “May I have your autograph?”

    – – something that has never been said to the band Autograph

    • HeavyMetalHamster

      SIGN MY ASS

    • André Snyde Lopes

      “Look at this Autograph… every time I do it makes me laugh”

      • Nukenado

        STAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHP

  • wayne the devil

    Love/Hate Blackout in the Red Room…My Metal is olde name drop of the day…No turning up the radio for modern Autograph….

    • eloli

      Love/Hate was a great hair metal band, should’ve been bigger.
      Babylon AD’s ST, Shotgun Messiah’s Second Coming and Wildside’s ST are pretty good hair albums that never had a chance.

    • Dagoth_RAC

      “Blackout in the Red Room” was the first song I ever heard live. Random and unintentional. It was simply that Love/Hate opened for AC/DC on the Razor’s Edge tour at the Meadowlands in 1990. So I often think of AC/DC as my first show, but Love/Hate opened, and opened with that song.

      • wayne the devil

        I always hear Astro from the Jestons doing the vocals…

  • Dr. Wvrm

    If my ma rented a father figure in aviators to come play football with me and help me do chores every time I played video games too much, my childhood would have been so much cooler.

  • eloli

    As much as I love hair metal, and regardless of the fact that with the right MTV push this song could’ve easily been a minor hit, this simply doesn’t work.
    Being a hair metal band these days is quite a conundrum: the whole genre’s about teenage rebellion expressed by singing about stuff that freaked out square parents, doing that in your 20s is ok, not so much in your 50s.
    I remember seeing Sebastian Bach solo, opening for the Axl ‘n his clowns version of G’nR, and when he started singing “Youth Gone Wild” I couldn’t stop laughing. Dude, you’re like 45, you’re not young, you’re not wild and you’re probably just wishing to have a light dinner and got to bed early.

    • Choodi

      It’s hard to freak out parents with hair metal when most of those parents probably listened to this shit in the 80s.

    • WhamBamSam

      On the other hand, Rob Halford can sing “I’m young and kind of proud” without a trace of irony at age 66, and I for one would be happy to have him keep doing it to age 666. The audience at Priest shows is just as full of washed up old dads stuck in 1987 as any hair band (it’s worth the price of admission just to people watch and converse with the toothless stranger that is always sitting near to you), but it doesn’t really seem to matter when the lights go down. Then again, Priest are special, and that’s significantly less true for the likes of Posion or Ratt.

  • SuzyC

    Maybe not true Sunset Strip hair-metal, but…check out Shámbara (1988) by Dead End (aka デッドエンド). Also, Loudness’ 1983 album Disillusion is 100% bad-ass.

  • Huck N’ Roll

    If nothing else, this album prompted me to dust off my Sign In Please cassette and, when it didn’t play properly, bring up the album on Spotify and crank out “Turn up the Radio” and “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend Isn’t Me.”

  • Planex

    wow this is old person music for old people whens the next ambient blackened djentgaze review for cool young guys like me who arent like 35 years old

    • I like to imagine that people who don’t use punctuation on the internet speak the same way in real life, babbling off entire paragraphs without stopping to breathe like Boomhauer on King of the Hill.

      • Planex

        omg i can’t like actually even seriously believe that you would be so dismissive i thought society was past that like it’s 2017 come on #smh

      • Nukenado

        It’s the exact oppsite for me. I would try my hardest to use proper language, minor prose and proper punctuation online while I’m a windbag in real life.

  • Huck N’ Roll

    Wait until October 20, when we get new releases from Europe and from Tom Keifer.

    • Dr. A.N. Grier

      And I will blow them off.

    • Nola Trash Talk

      Europe is great.

  • The Unicorn

    Yikes. This is terrible.

  • Solrac Avan

    What happened to the motto “Live fast die young”?

    • RuySan

      HIV is treatable and airbags are a thing

  • Matt slatz

    The star trek logo has some bad gas

  • defjam

    Angry Hair Metal Guy

    • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

      Angry Hair – Metal Guy or Angry – Hair Metal – Guy?

  • Riddler Green

    I think you misspelled “was” right after the second use of Buzz.

  • Thatguy

    Am I allowed to hate this?

    • Dr. A.N. Grier

      You have no choice.

  • Tofu muncher

    Nice solo tho

  • sir_c

    They should have put BA Baracus in that clip.
    For the rest, the music not that good, mildly put :-/

  • madhare

    KISS as hair metal? Never heard that before. Wrong decade.

  • GWW

    One fucked up world. Really?! That is how you start a metal review?

  • Weirwolfe

    I dig that riff. I’m a grandad btw. So there.

  • Espen

    Ey!
    Shitheads!!!!!
    Autograph rocks, so get a life!!!!!