Autokrator Autokrator 01Remember that scene in A New Hope where our rebel heroes get caught in an imperial trash compactor and have to somehow get out before they’re crushed into a Jedi-flavored bullion cube? Autokrator watched that classic escape and thought it would be a great idea to musically explore a similar situation in which R2D2 fails to shut down all of the garbage mashers on the detention level and Han, Leia, Luke, and Chewy are replaced by Stephen O’Malley, Nergal, Chris Barnes, and a the GM Frigidaire 1-18, respectively. It was a stupid, stupid idea.

Autokrator bill themselves as a ‘drone-death’ group, which means that this self-titled debut will fall into one of three non-overlapping categories; interesting experimental death metal, Portal, or charred faeces. No points are awarded for a correct guess. This album is the worst sounding thing I’ve ever heard and I just spent half an hour watching defective floppy drives play Beethoven. Let’s start with the positives.

The first positive is that you don’t have to listen to this album. You really don’t and you really shouldn’t. The second positive is that Six Feet Under is no longer the shittiest death metal band on the planet. Congratulations, guys I really didn’t think you had it in you. So what makes Autokrator so bad? Let’s examine.

Upon my first listen, I thought “Act 1 – The Tenth Persecution” was a pretty cool song. That thought persisted for about 90 seconds, and was replaced by shame and anger for the remaining 33 minutes of runtime. The absolutely immense wall of sound and very poppy snare tone that Autokrator use are impressive for about a minute. Their fatal mistake is that they produced about 30 times more of those minutes than anyone would ever want to experience.

Save for the incredibly boring sampled speech + cheesy synth drone of the title track, this album is nonstop hiss, compression and badness. The band have written about three riffs, all of which are just chugging on some cooked-to-death power chords, and their drummer provides a similarly varied backdrop of blastbeats and snare hits on 3 to accompany them. This goes on for a half hour.

I really cannot stress to you enough how incredibly boring and terrible sounding this album is. The only discernible sounds are the bass drum and snare, which are made out of broken amphorae. The constant jingle bell and tambourine noises that you can just barely pick up are presumably the ride, crash, and hi-hat which have been turned into anthracite through the album’s mastering process. Everything else is just the sound of little blue lights on stage monitors glowing their hearts out.

Autokrator is the Star Wars Christmas Special of death metal albums; it’s so incredibly poorly conceived and executed that it transcends being funny because of its failure and shoots out into the stratosphere of truly inexplicable works of anti-art. Every decision made in the creation of this album was a bad one, yet somehow not one person stopped it from reaching my desk, and for that, each of the people involved is morally culpable. I rabidly await the vinyl release of Autokrator not because of the chance for the album to sound better, but for the possibility that someone will do it justice and rub the entire disc to shreds on a cheese grater.


Rating: 0.5 /5.0
DR: 2 | Format Reviewed: 192 kbps mp3
Label: Iron Bonehead Productions
Websites: Facebook.com/Autokrator
Release Dates: Out Worldwide 05.29.2015

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  • man u dont get it its 2brutal4u

  • Oh wow. A DR 2. I’m aghast.

  • Martin Knap

    Auuuch, it’s painful just to listen to it.

  • manimal

    This sounds like a gang of refrigerators having non-consensual intercourse with an emotionally battered leaf blower.

    Also, less bad than the new IWABO.

  • ‘nonstop hiss, compression and badness’
    I think I have the new stuff I’m going to make the next person who loses a bet against me listen to. Perfect.

    • Grymm

      This and Legion of Andromeda. O_o

  • Grymm

    Kronus, tell us how you really feel.

    Also, I can’t stop picturing Nergal as Princess Leia now.

    • Carlos Marrickvillian

      I think he’ll warm to it eventually…

  • Kmill

    I lasted 1:48. That wasn’t music.

  • Johan

    “Every decision made in the creation of this album was a bad one”

    And that’s all she wrote.

  • Dr. A.N. Grier

    You know what? This actually has some really good moments in it! Nah, I’m kidding. This sucks.

  • bucaneer

    Admit it – it’s these trash reviews that bring all the pageviews, isn’t it.

  • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

    Whenever I read a review bashing so utterly the music I can´t help but feel compelled to listen to it to find for myself if it´s actually that bad.

  • mindbleach

    Man, you guys are dishing out the 0.5s this year!

    • Kronos

      It has been a bad, bad year for metal.

      • Monsterth Goatom

        Well, I’d say yes and no. March did seem to have all the stellar releases. I imagine there’s a lot of stuff that falls under the AMG radar. As per the AMG FAQ: “Our review policy is simple: unless we receive an official promo of the record, we do not review it.” Sometimes it’s word of mouth that helps locate buried treasure, like Refined Iron Cranium’s tip-off about Wilderun.

        When I used to visit No Clean Singing more often than I do now, I remember noting the huge amount of releases they discussed from week to week. There are so many bands out there, it’s hard to keep on top of it all.

        With half a year to go, I’m optimistic things will look up. Maybe that Noctus fellow will release another great album before end of year. : )

      • dduuurrrr dddduuuurrrr

        I always feel like it isn’t until the end of the year best of lists that I find the best stuff that came out in a year. I follow AMG and Last Rites every day, and I’m still surprised by gems here and there.

        DHG, Porta Nigra and Alkaloid or some of my favorites that have come out this year.

        • Kronos

          Alkaloid was pretty good, but that’s to be expected. I’ll check out those others, but I haven’t heard a DM record yet this year that has really blown me away. Unless you count Ad Nauseam, but they’re a little more black-metaley.

    • Only three 0.5s prior to 2015. Now four in one year :

  • Kreegwaldo

    I was prepared for some awful shit, but the first minute wasn’t actually THAT BAD. I mean, not good, but not THAT BAD. I thought I got a sense of what they were going for and I almost got a glimpse of what might have been decent stuff.

    Then the blast beats started around 90 seconds in and I imagined that “smashing a cheap tin pot + fuzz” going on for another 30 minutes and started laughing and gave up.

    Great review!

  • AlphaBetaFoxface

    I’d never heard DR2 up until today. I had to put my headphones down, walk outside, and let the weedy fumes of LA air fill my nostrils just to try and compensate to the copious amounts of blood draining from my ears.

    God help y’all, I couldn’t sit through 20 seconds

  • basenjibrian

    I am getting worried, guys. Do any GOOD bands send you music to review anymore, or is METAL dead?
    :)

  • Carlos Marrickvillian

    singularly without merit

  • Vice-President of Hell

    i expect to hear drone-metal – and i hear it

  • I once had a vehicle run dry of oil, and made an attempt to get it to the top of a hill before the engine finally let go. Little did I know I was being recorded by the sly dogs at Iron Bonehead. At least they could have gave me a shot at naming the album, jeez…

  • Wilhelm

    I just listened to this on headphones, either this shitty band or angrymetalguy is going to pick up my medical bill.

  • Doomdeathrosh

    This 0.5/5 is becoming a habit now….i hope this month ends well.

  • Requiem

    *skips first track and listens to Exusperator*
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE