Sometimes you come across an album where the name of the artist alone is enough to peak your interest. Case in point: Folk Metal Jacket. I never could resist a good pun. Does it make for good music though? The flute setting should just be removed from keyboards altogether. Some instruments can be emulated by keyboards just fine, but flutes are not among them. The growl here sounds like Martin van Drunen forgot how to growl and also has a large marble lodged in his rectum. “Azathoth’s Call” has a cool riff where the fluteboard goes quick enough not to irritate, channeling some Equilibrium before going back to yokel-worthy banjos.

I’d say something is off about the songwriting on Eulogy for the Gentle Fools, but that would be saying this clusterfuck was written, and that its segments constitute songs. The compositions here are put together the way a blind dinosaur would put together a thesis on black hole relativity: it’s baffling, incomprehensible, and no one will ever figure out why it was attempted in the first place. Also, there’s the banjos, used whenever they should not be, in an overbearing fashion like a hillbilly that won’t leave you alone. Some people should not be allowed near a keyboard. Or a banjo. When you have a hammer, everything looks like it needs a banjo. Or a keyboard. A hammer sounds good right now, though.

Philosophical question: is it still avant-garde when all signs point to the music being a disjointed trainwreck due to ineptitude rather than a conscious decision by the performers? This is what happens when a Willie Nelson bluegrass cover band’s van slams headfirst into a house where Unexpect is having heroin-laced breakfast, but less fun. The clean vocals could have been worse, they could’ve made bank with a folk metal band that isn’t a vomit-soaked shit sandwich. Whenever something sounds good and I begin to enjoy myself, those goddamn banjos ruin everything, or the flute/accordion/violin/harpsichord settings on the keyboard. Did they cut up a jam session and paste it back together?

The mix has to take some of the blame, though. There’s so much going on, it’s like an ADD kid self-medicated with 12 cans of energy drink. The master is actually pretty good, and listening fatigue won’t be the reason you give up on listening to this album. The mix has to take some of the blame, though. It’s easier to keep track of a ping-pong ball in a tornado that’s passing over a ping-pong ball factory than it is to follow some of these songs. The mix agrees, and often forgets which instruments should be in the fore- or background. The only advice I can give is that the banjo should never be in the foreground, and the keyboard rarely. Apparently, the concept of a segue no longer exists.

Did this review confuse you and leave you slightly nauseated with vertigo? If so, good. That means you have had a taste of what listening to Eulogy is like. The musicians in Folk Metal Jacket are, aside from the growl, talented performers and dramatic songwriters, making all the wrong choices in instrument choice, composition and mixing, winding up with a confused, baffling and utterly inconsistent record. It somehow fails to surprise me these guys are from the same country as Dusius. Unlike that hysterically poor band though, Folk Metal Jacket failed to make me laugh, instead causing whiplash by going from misguided to cool to disastrous before you can say “I think I’m going to throw up.” Like cold diarrhea soup with chocolate chunks, there’s nuggets of excellence found sporadically across the album, but why would you ever go looking for them?


Rating: 1.5/5.0
DR: 8 | Format Reviewed: 320 kbps mp3
Label: Nemeton Records
Websites: folkmetaljacket.bandcamp.com | facebook.com/FolkMetalJacket/
Releases Worldwide: September 15th, 2017

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  • METAL OTTER

    I was not prepared for how quickly the review’s tone turned to anger. It was 2 Fast 2 Furious.

    • GardensTale

      To be fair, mp3s with no tags, no album cover and no sample online all serve to piss me off before I even start.

  • Brutalist_Receptacle

    FOR THIS I HAVE NO FUCKS LEFT TO GIVE

  • Eli Valcik

    Do you have any pent up anger you’re trying to get out?

    • GardensTale

      That’s my secret. I’m always angry.

  • The Akerstache

    Are you a masochist or something? You have an odd affinity to painfully bad albums.

    • Brutalist_Receptacle

      Their next album is tentatively titled: Good Master Fang, hold him sure: good Master Snare, let him not ‘scape. He comes continuantly to Pie-corner —saving your manhoods — to buy a saddle, and he is indited to dinner to the Lubber’s-head in Lombard Street, to Master Smooth’s the silkman. I pra’ye, since my exion is entered and my case so openly known to the world, let him be brought in to his answer! I think its a collaboration with Fiona Apple or some shit.

      • Grymm

        Aaaaaaand I just laughed my coffee all over my phone.

      • ricLP81

        Hey, you leave Fiona Apple out of this. She has actually written some decent shit once upon a time in the nineties

        • RuySan

          I like the theme song from “The Affair”, which means she also wrote decent stuff in the 2010s

        • Brutalist_Receptacle

          YER NOT THE BOSS OF ME

    • GardensTale

      Just the worst luck with blind picks. I’ve carefully selected the next few promos to get some respite from recent awfulness.

  • Monsterth Goatom

    The band name deserves a better band.

  • Wes Allen

    I’ll be honest, I was expecting less than a 1.5.

    • GardensTale

      The mention of several cool ideas and riffs may have gotten avalanched a little there, but that is in line with the listening experience.

  • SoLeftISeeRight
  • IamDBR

    It wasn’t that bad honestly, even sort of enjoyable in a goofy way. I was expecting some serious mindfuckery when you mentioned that Unexpect bit.

  • Nukenado

    GardensTale abandons the pretense of suspense-building ambiguous first paragraph and goes for the throat like a Vietnamese sniper.
    Good work, and sad to see a band fail. The title and album art are super cool though.
    I personally find the band meh and I’d probably go for a 2.0, but I can respect your dedication to AMG’s strict scoring.

  • Nukenado

    Also, dude you need help. As far as I’m concerned, you’ve earned your right to listen to Pascifisticuffs. You deserve something good.

  • Juan Manuel Pinto Guerra

    I still can’t tell if that band name is totally lame or totally awesome.

  • GrumpDumpus

    SOUNDS LIKE AN ACTUAL JAMBOREE A+ FOR BEING WEIRD AND NOT ABOUT VIKINGS

  • Zadion

    Ah, the nature of the review consumer… I just went and youtubed the album and sampled a song, Fireflies Serenade, and I’m here trying to find flaws in it and convince myself its awful because this review clearly emphasized its awful… instead of just admitting I like what’s happening; not love, mind you, but “like” in the same sense you admire that new girl at work. A 3, inching towards a 3.5 even.

    The cleans are terribly unrefined, but tolerable and the melodies kind of catchy. I don’t understand the problem with the growls. They are very stereotypical growls, just like every other death metal-influenced band uses. Granted, these opinions are based on one song, but alas… one song is probably all I’ll ever listen to, because I first experienced this review and it set within me a preconceived bias against something I may have ended up enjoying. The harrowing life of the review consumer.

  • P.K.

    Late to the party… Wanted to disagree with this review given how great their 2013 EP is — but the tracks I listened to make it clear they fell a long way between releases. Metal Archives indicates a new guitarist & vocalist in 2014. Shame… but do check out “Spill This Album” for correct use of banjos and good vox.