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AMG peered down from his mountain watching the Swedish snow flurries
But try as he might, he couldn’t silence his worries

But what had him so vexed? What could be the matter?
Why those Finns down in Finland were releasing triple platters!

AMG liked his records concise and he liked them rather short
He simply couldn’t abide with the 2 hour sort

“This could catch on. This could be a trend,” he mumbled
That would make metal all bloated and jumbled

I must find a way to stop it using whatever tool
So artists will obey my 45 Minute Rule

So AMG pondered on how to get his way
He thought and he thunk all through the day

Then an idea hit him, one that tingled his spinal
He would steal all the CDs and make them use vinyl!

Then albums would be short and without any filler
Leaving the final product that much more killer

So down from his mountain he crept and he crawled
to the warehouses where Compact Discs were mothballed

He took every one of those shiny plastic spheres
Then he smashed the digital recorders while guzzling craft beers

With bags full to busting he slunk away in the fog
laughing “Now they’ll be forced to use analog!”

To his fortress of snobbery he rode with CD cargo
And no one yet knew of his diabolic embargo

That night he gloated as CDs roasted in a pyre
Tomorrow they’d all realize with shock and great ire

That he’d changed the music industry and left artists all stunned
Now let’s see them swallow that sun!

HOW AMG STOLE CHRISTMAS

From all of us to all of you: have a merry merry Christmas!

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  • El_Cuervo

    Fantastic. Well played Druhm, well played.

  • Dr. A.N. Grier

    My god…

  • FutureBeyondSatan

    That brought a smile to this miserable, Brandy soaked, hung over, X-mas morn. Well done.

  • If only… *sigh*

    • Lasse Momme

      Hey man, I’m with you. This year was rampant with records that were too long, and Swallow The Sun were main offenders. People need to stop that shit and stick to the fuckin’ point. It’s the difference between eating 3 ripe cherries and eating 5 ripe cherries and a hand full of sawdust: one leaves you wanting more and the other leaves you with a mouth that tastes like a birds nest.

  • Kronos

    A true AMG way of settling disputes.

  • Monsterth Goatom

    Merry Christmas, SD!

  • Dr_Fisting

    “He then realized what we already knew
    he’d forgotten about Bandcamp, and the internet too
    Where albums can last several hours or more
    With fists to the skies, he screamed “Curse you, Al Gore!”

    • Sweetness!

    • Monsterth Goatom

      Thanks Obama!

  • Carlos Marrickvillian

    Brilliant!

  • André Snyde Lopes

    Now this is a grinch I can get behind!

  • Thanks to Madam X for the brilliant artwork!

  • Grymm

    I marvel at your kvltery.

    EDIT: I did it wrong…

    V mvrvvl vt yvvr kvltvry.

    That’s better.

    • André Snyde Lopes

      I can’t help but think yo)))u fo)))rgo)))t o)))ne thing.

      • Grymm

        GAAAAAAAAAH!!!

        *bows*

  • One More Thing

    “Why those Finns down in Finland were releasing triple platters!”

    I am fucking dying. This was phenomenal!

  • Arjan Zwamborn

    Wow AMG, you really WERE bothered by StS’s triple album, weren’t you? This is the third article I’ve read that spends a lot of attention to it!

    I can’t help but say strongly disagree with the sentiment on this website surrounding this release; I think the way these guys pulled off a triple album is phenomenal, keeping them thematically connected though distinctive enough to each hold its own. A lot of tracks dare to explore new ground, and even though there are some lesser songs, SFTN has some of their best material to date. I feel a lot of times I read strong criticism about this album it focuses solely on the concept, not on the execution itself; because the execution of this risky endeavour is monumental.

    Differences aside, merry Christmas/hail Satan (whichever works for you) everybody! Aside from my inner fanboy being hurt another time, it WAS a hilarious poem :)

    • I’m a supporter of the album!

      • Arjan Zwamborn

        Then I love you in a very metal way

    • This wasn’t written by me, this was written by Druhm. And he’s a world class troll.

      Let me just say: the statement that you made above that they “pulled off” the triple LP is false.

      • Arjan Zwamborn

        I think they did :) but then I was trolled real good. In my defense: I’ve read multiple pieces about the Blasphemy of Triple Albums, that’s why I fell for it so easily.

  • Guillotine of Papal Crowns

    This is SO good.

  • Pimpolho

    Fantastic?! Fantastic my ass! This is DRUHM-tastic!!

  • You wot m8?

    This is, quite simply, the best thing that happened this xmas.

  • Noobhammer

    The trolling is strong with this one…..

    GOOD….GOOOOOOD…..let the hate flow through you…..

  • Mr. Water

    Longest record I listened to was Kenn Nardi’s (ex-Anacrusis) Dancing With the Past. With 2 CD’s and a running length of 2:37:25 it’s even slightly longer than Swallow The Sun’s triple album (that’s what you get for unreleased material piling up since 1993).

    Personally I don’t think destroying all CD’s will stop long albums/pieces of music. Check Wagner for example, he had little trouble making opera’s longer than 3 hours (which is VERY long for opera standards). His biggest ‘monstrosity’ was the ‘Der Ring des Nibelungen’cycle. It consists of four operas, of which the latter two are 4 hours each. This was way before music recordings were even invented!

  • Zadion

    Article of the Year

  • We need an audio version of this. Have Lemmy read it.