Steel Seizure

“It’s a pretty good site,”
Said the elder Steel Druhm,
And the fellow who runs it
Seems proud it’s not shite

“But if I ran AMG,”
Said the cranky Steel One,
I’d make a few changes,
And do them by decree

The Prog and the Post-Metal and all that kind of stuff
They have up there now are not quite “metal” enough
You see things like these even on ye olde Yahoo
They’re awfully unkvlt and we need something trve!

So I’d suspend all the writers and toss them in the street
Where they’d wander around and shoegaze at their feet
And somehow or other I think I could find
A group of 80s metal fans of the old school kind

A single album is not much of a treat
Those reviewed here must be triple at least!
Concept albums that require 20 CDs?
The readers will read and they’ll shout “Enjoy of deep discography!”
My new blog, Steel Druhm‘s Blog will make people gawk
My new blog, Steel Druhm‘s mighty blog will make people RAWK!

Slayer

They’ll be so surprised they’ll swallow the sun
They’ll gasp at the sword-wielding barbarians and huns
Every cover will feature a rounded ace of spades
And at no point will Alestorm dare to invade

Comments of note would be rewarded with cash
And trolls we will always mercilessly bash
The Record(s) o’ the Month will still be quite late
But they’ll come with free beer and a molded breastplate

Jorn will do the editing while his mustache handles promo
And Joey DeMaio will enforce office trveness and draw up our new logo
Abbath will run IT and crab-walk round the servers
And Dan Swanö will do unicörning with his usual fervor

Stop…?
Well, I might
But not til this glorious new dawn
And that’s how it is, so get off my damn lawn!

 

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  • El_Cuervo

    Swords and Burly Men: An Ode to Nostalgiacore by Steel Druhm.

    • “The Jorn Life: How to Stay Trve” by Steel Druhm.

      • sir_c

        Metal is a jorny

  • Dr. Wvrm

    Tvvo out of ten, not enough Steel Drvhm.

  • André Snyde Lopes

    Now, Steely loves his Scooby Snacks
    He can’t deny, as these are facts
    Female-fronted or not
    He really likes the lot
    What a bore, it makes everyone snore
    But he always wants more, more and more

    A viking gorilla, that’s absurd!
    Nostalgiacore, it’s just a word
    It doesn’t matter, olde or new
    He even likes Stomp 442

    But still, though his age now shows
    And he puts the new writers through endless woes
    We still love senior Druhm, that’s the truth
    In the comments, he joins the youth
    Telling them stories of a past forlorn
    And heralding the glorious coming of Jorn

  • Is this a threat?

    • Nope. I like being Second Banana in this Banana Republic.

  • [not a Dr]

    Jesus agrees with office policy.

  • themetalyears

    In middle school I had an acquaintance who attempted to carve Slayer into their forearm during shop class. They made it halfway through the “a” before passing out. True story.

  • Monsterth Goatom

    I enjoyed this of deep muchness.

    • I would have guessed “muchness” was a “Trump word”, but it turns out to be real. I enjoyed this with a deeplyous lotness, though.

  • Dr. A.N. Grier

    Marvelous.

  • Dr. Seuss, metal blog edition

  • Sentyneli

    This marks the first time in my life and career that anybody has suggested replacing me with Abbath.

    • First, but probably not last.

    • Dr. A.N. Grier

      It’s nice not being bashed on for a change.

    • I assure you he would’ve been replaced as soon as Steel (plated) Druhm (ov War) realized Abbath still believes that the darned interweb is a fleeting fad, and that he couldn’t tell the difference between kilobits, megabytes and teraflops, a Commodore 64 and an i7 based laptop or a server, a NES and a coffee maker.
      Wiring and bat-shaped axes just don’t go together!

      • [not a Dr]

        How else would you make the holes through the walls, ceilings and server racks to be able to run your wires?
        But you’re still right about something: you need to be able to make your own coffee if you are to survive in IT.

    • [not a Dr]

      Are you serious? Abbath is the baseline for my yearly performance review. At work as well as at home.

  • ricin_beans

    I read it as “competitive metal buggery” and thought “oh man this gonna be good!”

  • Is this like when MTV started slipping into reality tv instead of music videos? Are we moving away from reviews and into Dr. Seuss fanfic?

  • Blueberry Balls

    Artie Farty had a party,
    Everyone was there!
    Tootie Fruity blew a beauty,
    Everyone ran for air!

  • OzanCan

    This is absolutely brilliant! xD

  • Gaëtan Baratin

    Don’t Messa round with Steel.

  • Philip Pledger

    “Enjoy of deep discography.”

    Oh god, my sides. Can’t stop laughing.