Twas the night before Christmas, when all through AMG’s office,
Not a writer was stirring, not even Noctus!
The stockings were all hung from the spheres with care,
In the hopes that Krampus soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all cold in their cells,
While visions of free promos danced in their skulls.

When out in the alley there arose such a clatter,
AMG sprang from his bed to see what was the matter.
When what to his wondering eyes did appear,
But a metallic sleigh(er!) and eight mutant reindeer.
With a dashing driver, wearing a moustache for porn,
AMG knew right away… it must be Saint Jorn!

 He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings with heavy metal perks.
He left Jorn Does Dio Dracula CDs and before you could say boo,
He gave them all bracelets saying “What Would Jorn Do?”


He then sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a nuclear missile.
But AMG heard him exclaim as he rocked into the night,
“Happy Jornmas to all, and enjoy of deep good night!”

From the AMG family to yours, have a happy, safe and very metal Christmas. And if you feel you can’t stand another candy-coated holiday song, we’ve got you covered:

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  • André Snyde Lopes


  • DRUUUUUUUUUUUUUHMMMM!!!!!!! *Shakes fist*

  • Dr. A.N. Grier

    This is the best Christmas present a guy could ask for!! No Christmas is complete without Jorn.

  • I’m also disappointed that you didn’t manage to work in someone’s “holiday enjornment” into this post.

  • Lasse Momme

    I imagine AMG standing in the streets shaking his fists screaming “DAAAAAAAMN YOU JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN!!!!!!!!!!” as Jorn rides cackling into the dark night.

    • Oddly, that’s exactly how I pictured it too.

  • De2013


  • Kapibarra

    +1 for “enjoy of deep good night”. Had a good laugh after I’ve re-read the comments under your last Vardan review.

  • Grymm

    Come all ye faithful… Jørnful and triumphant…

    • Feeblejocks

      We Wish You a Merry Jørnmas ….
      The First Jørnël …
      O Jørnenbaum, O Jørnenbaum …
      Silent Night, Jørnly Night …
      All I Want For Jørnmas Is You!

  • El Lado Oscuro

    made me cry! lol… well, not, but was very nice… xmas to you all too

  • BarryLeFreak

    Enjoy of Merry Christmas!!!

  • Zadion

    “enjoy of deep good night” killed me.

  • OzanCan

    Videoyu izlerken geberdim resmen!!!
    This is brilliant xD hahahaha

  • Carlos Marrickvillian

    ha classic! Im picturing an AMG christmas party…
    I see Druhm cutting a forjorn like figure at the blackened punch mumbling something about new dawn bringing a def leopard,..All the while a politely nodding and not quite obviously twitching Al Kikuras, secretly tips another hip flask of Rigormortis OP into the punch. Meanwhile Mr Fisting, Madam X and Kronos are sharing furtive glances and backing away slowly as AMG’s wild eyed ne oblivious rant intensifies, becoming more and more like a Vader lyric…As inevitable as a new slipknot record disaster strikes. Just before morning tea can be served Grymm charges in with a blazing box of Nachtmystium merch. Sprinklers go off, corpse paint runs and a slew of talented new writers are spared from discovering what really happened to Happy Metal Guy.

    Thank you AMG, Steel Druhm, Madam X and AMG crew for another great year of metal, music and general commentary.

    • This is awesome! Thanks for your continued readership and wacky comments. Hails!

    • We love the readership and the community feeling that’s grown with the site! Great to hear from you Carlos :)

      • Carlos Marrickvillian

        too much christmas liqueur :)

  • Scionyde

    And yet again, I’m reminded of why I love this site.

  • Our Fortress Is Burning

    A happy secular Holiday Season or Pagan Yuletide (depening on your preference) to all AMG staff and readers!