“I was settling into my windowless, poorly ventilated n00b office when I heard voices in the hall. Steel Druhm was asking for a review status, and words formed in an iron throat answered, ‘I’m watching a Vampire Diaries marathon until Halloween. Give it to a n00b.'” Exploitation is the gift we give n00bkind.
“I admit it, I can be a sadistic reviewer. Finding a truly, deeply terrible album gives me a certain perverse glee at the prospect of creatively tearing the malformed afterbirth to ribbons. The feeling is generally strong enough to overpower the dry heaves and stomach-clenching nausea of actually listening to it. But I have found my Waterloo.” The sky is falling (and dying).
“I might have a minor masochistic streak when it comes to reviews. Sure, much of my rapidly developing reputation for reviewing dreck (see: Akoma, Invidia, Insatia, Blind Seer) arose from sheer bad luck on blind promo selection. But why else would I stand up and say “I’ll take the ring to Mordor” when Steel mockingly requested volunteers to review a 37-minute, self-released(!), sophomore(!!), single-track(!!!), instrumental(!!!!) doom metal album?” Snakebit.
“Just like some albums are growers, you occasionally encounter one that takes time to reveal itself as garbage. It may seem like a potentially good time, but repeat listens magnify all the flaws to the point you can no longer fathom what attracted you in the first place. Not so with Apocalypse 2.0, an ostensibly progressive metal album by Blind Seer. I knew for a fact this was garbage after exactly nine seconds.” Seer the ear.
