“Exploding through the frigid waves and frothing foam, the leviathan’s ponderous girth smashes down upon the rocky shore with a thunderous wet slap. Slowly, laboriously, the tidal titan heaves himself ashore, massive muscles undulating under the dense layers of blubber enrobed in barnacle encrusted plate metal. The Iron Walrus has come this day, and nothing on the beach can move him, nor compel his to departure.” Coo coo ca choo.
“On paper, Iperyt actually sound pretty fucking good. Industrial blackened death metal from Poland? Featuring the vocalist of possibly the angriest metal band of all time, Infernal War? Now there’s something that’ll get my engine purring. Sadly 2006 debut Totalitarian Love Pulse was sloppier and less than interesting than the industrialized version of War I was expecting, and 2011 follow-up No State of Grace didn’t seem to please many critics either.” Metal on paper is just sheet metal.
“2017 is winding down. Let’s be honest: nobody really wants to read new reviews at this time of year. Just give us the damned lists and be done with it! But that’s not how we roll at Angry Metal Guy. We strive to provide until our last hollow breath. And so, I present Interstelar, a stoner rock band from Los Angeles that strives to take as much time recording as Sea Goat.” Lazy goats and space faring boats.
“I’m not quite sure how it happens but I always seem to find myself buried in black metal at the end of the year. It’s not like 2015, where Kampfar’s Profan squeezed its way into my top ten at the last second, but there are some last-minute gems from 2017. And two, in particular, involve the infamous Hoest. Last month, there was Taake’s Kong Vinter. This month, there’s the return of Norway’s sibling-driven Deathcult.” Goatloads of fun.
“Just in time to ruin your holiday cheer, Belgian quintet Marginal come storming into the party like your drunk Uncle Randy after one too many glasses of rum and eggnog. Formed in 2013 by veterans of other Belgian acts Aguardente, Bark, and Aborted, this unkempt troupe seeks to combine grindcore and crust whilst paying homage to the early days of Napalm Death, Extreme Noise Terror, and Discharge.” Crust in the wind.
“To be honest, I have remained only peripherally up to speed with the court proceedings and inter-band politics between the original Queensrÿche and Tate’s new Operation: Mindcrime as relationships (and Tate’s musical sanity) spiraled into decline. Hence, The New Reality is my first concerted exposure to Tate’s post-Queensrÿche work.” Here in the now…of hazing.
“As this isn’t my memoirs, nor a review of a decades-old Nuclear Blast and Relapse sampler, let’s get to what’s written on the top of this page, and what you came here for: Neocaesar’s 11:11. And what a guy with a dreadful Slayer pun as a pen name who talks about Plato too much has to say about it.” Sophistry and death.
As a general rule, metal is just plain better in Sweden. Even half-hearted attempts or poor imitations turn out better when sourced from that otherworldly place, with its spike-studded halls and platters of herring, meatballs, and fruit soups. And speaking of fruit soups, the new generation of HammerFall and Iron Maiden praise has arrived in the form of Stormhold’s second studio album, Salvation.” Sweden takes a holiday.
“Oh, December. That special time of year, when the masses try to buy their way out of SAD, supermarkets become more unbearable than usual thanks to seasonal saccharine soundtracks, and even the AMG promo bin transforms into a smoldering heap of nope. Some blind themselves to the solstice’s sadness with festive lights, others drown it in nog, but let me assure you: there will be no happiness.”
“With 2017 wrapping itself up nicely like a present to your loved ones, changes still occur that can throw one for a loop. Whether they are sudden visits by loved ones, finding a sweet deal on that thing you wanted for so long, or (in my case) landing a new job in a whole new career, last-minute shifts can make or break you. Take Chicago’s Pale Horseman, as their fourth album, The Fourth Seal, was initially set to be released independently until the band got signed just a week before the album was supposed to drop, pushing it back a few weeks.” Fourth Seal of approval?
