“Remember when Tom Cruise got cast as The Last Samurai in 2003? Some people on the Internet really do, and take time out of what must be a rich and fulfilling life to vomit up prose so salty it gives Dutch licorice a run for its money. Naturally it’s made into a sociopolitical issue, but I’m going to leave that alone because I’m not a fifth-rate hack who feels compelled to use the metal blog I write for as a soapbox to spew typo-laden opinions on contemporary politics and the like. Anyway, Mr. Cruise remained The Last Samurai for about a year, because in 2004 Finnish Samurai metal band Whispered came into existence.” Eat it, Tommy!