Angry Metal Guy

Doc Coyle from God Forbid posted a really interesting blog over at Metal Sucks which I recommend everyone go and read right now. Now sure, Doc isn’t a modern day philosopher, but what he is is about one year older than I am. And he’s also someone that this Angry Metal Guy can really agree with on several points. I, too, have recently gone through this “I’m getting old,” thing, when I realize that I’m meeting people who were born in years I remember—”Oh, 1988, huh? Yeah, well, shit Seventh Son of a Seventh Son came out that year! My brother got it for Christmas!” I get added on MySpace by people who were born the year that I was an angsty teenager who listening to Life of Agony and Type O Negative and pretending I was miserable. Or really being miserable I guess.

One of the points that Doc makes, however, that I would like to rebutt is basically saying that old guys get sorta stuck. I don’t think that’s entirely true. What I think happens is that the novelty starts to wear off after a while. And so every time you hear a new band you can say something like “Well, shit, that’s just an _insert band here_ riff, why not go listen to the original?” I find myself doing that all the time. I think the other thing that happens is that our tastes start to mature in the sense that we start to understand things better. We all know that metal is music for musicians, but when you’re 18 and knockin’ out riffs to whatever it is that you’re knockin’ out, you’re not thinking about the trends or what’s going on before you, etc. More importantly, you know nothing about record production, the trends you’re being subjected to and so forth. You probably haven’t realized that metal is just commercial music, so you’re not thinking about things critically. But as you get older you get more cynical. You see excellent bands who don’t pass in the current trend passed over by labels consistently, while shitty trend bands get picked up. You hear every band replace the fuck out of their drums and you notice that everything sounds fake and lifeless.

But not only that, you’ve seen what’s cool in the underground before.. sometimes in reality! For example: sure, I was a kid, but I got Metallica‘s Kill ‘Em All as a bribe when I was 7 or 8 years old to not tell my parents that my brother had ditched me at home with his weird, antisocial buddy. I listened to Testament and Slayer and non-stop Iron Maiden while kids in my age group wet themselves over flannel-clad suicidal douchebags with bad habits and now that all the kids are in neo-thrash and neo-NWoBHM bands, I have trouble thinking “Hey, this is exciting!” ‘Cause I heard it when I was younger. I loved it then. It influenced my taste in music and my guitar playing, writing, etc. Why would I as the old guy (28) I am get excited about people reliving a scene that’s been super done already once?

One final thought: while lots of metalheads are really metalheads for life, there are a large number of kids who get into metal during those topsy turvey years of 13-19 and then when the hormones die down, they go back to listening to Weezer (or I guess Muse now? I dunno, what’s hip people?). These people have no context when they’re being young, energetic and super into it. They weren’t listening to metal as kids and they’re not going to be listening to metal when they’re older. It’s just not gonna happen. As an old guy you have every right to get cynical and shake your cane at shit that sucks—especially when it’s driven by kids with no critical thinking skills, no context and not a lick of sense. Just like we were when we were moshing crazy at shows, screaming at the top of our lungs and trying our hardest to get the hormones to just calm the fuck down.

Want some shit to shake your new found Old Metal Cane™ at? How about God Forbid getting grouped in with metalcore when you guys are obviously a fucking thrash metal band. Get at it! And welcome to adulthood.

The big news from Indie Records that I received in my inbox today was that Shagrath (Dimmu Borgir) and King (ex-Gorgoroth, ex-God Seed) are forming a new black metal band called Ov Hell.  Some of you will have read how I feel about the word “ov” before and now I feel like I have a mission: to start a band where I spell everything with an “UV”… or wait, maybe “UF”… or, I guess I could go really out on a limb and use “OF”!

There is literally nothing more cliché in metal right now than that (with the exception of breakdowns).  And seriously, is black metal so easy to write that you can disappear for two months and have an entirely new band and be signed to Indie Recordings?  It’s incredible.  But that’s a different rant.

Anyway, the music sounds pretty good considering everything, so I wish them luck.  But man.. is black metal so bankrupt that the best name you guys could come up with was “OV HELL”?  *sigh*

Recently, Paul DiAnno, currently touring the world on an album released 28 years ago, went on a rant about how Iron Maiden is nothing but a “money making machine.” He sounded angry, but jealous at the same time. Mr. DiAnno was responding to the question of someone asking him about drugs–he claims that there were no drug problems and that he left the band because Steve Harris is some kind of money-hungry psychotic Nazi-man who writes terrible, terrible music.  This is, as we all know, a little extreme but there’s something to this in the sense that it’s hard not to feel a little frustrated with a band that produces at least one product a year but only new material every third year these days.

Why do they do it?  Well, that I can tell you personally: it’s because suckers like me will buy it.  I happily jumped onto the Flight 666 bandwagon because that’s actually very cool. Non-embarrassing metal documentaries are actually pretty few and far-between and this one was given the extra cred of being filmed by the dude who did Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey, which I think was super cool.  So the Maiden guys were smart about this one, which is great.  But then what happened?  Of course, they released a live album with it.  Seriously, a live album.  So let’s actually look at what Maiden has released since the release of their last album.

2006: A Matter of Life and Death – Death on the Road DVD
2007: History Pt. 2 – Live After Death DVD
2008: Somewhere Back in Time
2009: Flight 666 DVD/Documentary – Flight 666 Soundtrack

OK, so let’s see here.. that’s ONE new record versus 3 compilation/live DVDs, two documentary DVDs and two live records.  If one goes back a little bit farther, that’s at least ONE live record for every CD release since Bruce came back and DVD after DVD.  It’s mind-blowing, too, how totally ridiculous these track listings are!  These guys are continually releasing the same record over and over and over again.

Somewhere Back in Time (2008):

1. Churchill’s Speech
2. Aces High
3. 2 Minutes To Midnight
4. The Trooper
5. Wasted Years
6. Children Of The Damned
7. The Number of The Beast
8. Run To The Hills
9. Phantom Of The Opera — Live
10. The Evil That Men Do
11. Wrathchild — Live
12. Can I Play With Madness
13. Powerslave
14. Hallowed Be Thy Name
15. Iron Maiden — Live

Flight 666 Official Soundtrack (2009):

(CD 1)

1. Churchill’s Speech
2. Aces High
3. 2 Minutes To Midnight
4. Revelations
5. The Trooper
6. Wasted Years
7. The Number Of The Beast
8. Can I Play With Madness
9. Rime Of The Ancient Mariner

(CD 2)

1. Powerslave
2. Heaven Can Wait
3. Run To The Hills
4. Fear Of The Dark
5. Iron Maiden
6. Moonchild
7. The Clairvoyant
8. Hallowed Be Thy Name

Yeah. Same fucking track listing.

I just counted and I own 13 versions of the song Run to the Hills.  Seriously, thirteen copies.  AND, if I were to buy the new CDs and DVDs that were coming out, I would in fact own 15 versions of it.  Why?  That’s a great question.  Apparently some of what Di’Anno says is true: these guys are just a money making machine.

This has been building up for me for a long time.  The first crack in this whole thing was these greatest hits tours after spending years bitching up a storm about being treated like  a hit jukebox, these guys are still doing greatest hits tours and releasing greatest hits anthologies every year.  Not only that, but they flat-out REFUSE to play deep-cuts.  Just flat-out refuse.  Why?  That’s a good question.  Apparently a song that not everyone in the crowd has heard a hundred thousand times or owns 15 versions of isn’t worth playing live.

It’s come to the point where I don’t buy Maiden merch (though I did break down and buy Flight 666) and I’m even selling some of my collectibles because I find the whole thing totally insulting.   Sure, I’ll buy their new albums because I think the band is great.  But until they start playing songs I’ve never seen before live, I won’t see them live.  Until they release CDs that contain songs I don’t own live versions of or something novel and interesting instead of a repackaging of the same live album they’ve been releasing since 1993 I just don’t spend money on this band.   It makes me sad, really.  How is it that a band of such high quality could be reduced to such meaningless commercialization?  I thought that spot had been reserved for Kiss.  I wonder how long it is until Steve Harris sells a gallstone on eBay.

Frankly, it just all feels so disrespectful towards the fans.  Metal dudes aren’t exactly the richest dudes in the world and this shit assumes that you’re going to drop 60 bucks a year on Maiden merch, not to mention all the other shit that they have for sale that’s hyper over-priced.  It gives off the impression that Harris and Smallwood really do see the Iron Maiden fan as nothing but a wallet with legs–which is both disgusting and sad.  Everything is “for the fans,” and blah blah blah, but I think that’s crap.  For these guys the fans took a backseat to the dollar, or I guess in their case the Almighty Pound a long, long time ago.  Maybe even in 1981 when Di’Anno bailed.

You know what’s a stupid metal trend?  The 3.5 minute interlude with stupid soundscapes–these days, the trend is actually always involving the forging of iron or the angryness of trolls somewhere.  I don’t know where this started, so I’m going to blame Ulver.  Yeah, sure, Bergtatt was a great record.  It was really interesting and it had lots of cool stuff going on.  The stupid soundscape interlude, however, wasn’t.  Nope, just some guy running on crushed boxes (OK, maybe it was supposed to sound like snow, but it was definitely crushed boxes).  Vintersorg used it with great stupidity to interrupt one of his songs on Ödemarkens Son with the trickling of water because nothing screams metal like.. TRICKLING FOREST STREAM!!  (RAAAH!) It was used by Agalloch, but that was pretty much just them copying Ulver (actually, wasn’t The Mantel just them copying Ulver? Huh.  How ’bout that shit?).  In any case, in those cases it wasn’t super bad.  Just one or two places.. one could easily get through them without problem.  Just skip it, no biggy.  Right?

Well, the idiocy hit its zenith with Finntroll‘s very “interesting,” but immensely annoying, use of 4 minute interlude tracks  which were apparently of people eating beans around a fire on Visor om Slutet.  What. The. Fuck?  Seriously, what an incredible waste of fucking space, plastic and time.  It is obvious that the band had only 25 minutes worth of acoustic material to record, but instead of just putting out a cute little EP where Finntroll goes “folk” or whatever, they decided to make it.. I dunno… Annoying?  Yeah, pretty much.  Or stupid.  The annoyance that I had with this record, was fortunately tracked–that is, I can skip the crap.  On the other hand Ásmegin did them one worse and putting a fucking crying baby throughout the whole second half of their otherwise AMAZING album Hin Vordende Sod & Sø.  How irritating is that?  Totally irritating.  I mean, I know you guys are trying to be original and interesting.. but stop.  Please, stop.  It hurts my brain.

I’ve been listening to Crimfall‘s newest record, and it’s good.  But seriously, I’ve heard so much of this stuff before and it just makes me want to scream.  Since when did it become necessary and/or OK to put these stupid interlude tracks in everywhere?  Yeah, the album intro with the over the top orchestra or some stupid gore movie quote is now apparently obligatory.. I guess it’s not going anywhere, so I’ll have to live with it.  But can we stop with the “gazing into the past” sounds created in the studio in order to give your record some sort of stupid feel that doesn’t go at all with your over-produced orchestrations?  My god!  Just fucking stop it.  Not only that, if you’re going to include this stupidity for no apparent reason at all, then FOR THE LOVE OF THE METAL GODS: TRACK IT!  Make it different tracks so that I can skip your efforts to take yourself seriously as artists.  Stop it.  Stop. Stop. STOP!

I urge Steven Colbert to put these people on notice.  And I openly condemn this stupid metal trend.  Soundscape interludes: go fuck yourself!

I don’t know if anyone else has been noticing this, but what the hell is with the whole rock/”metal” musicians (in reality, it’s pretty much just the cock rock and alternative scene guys) getting in on reality TV thing?  According to what I just read on Blabbermouth, fucking Mike Starr from Alice in Chains (he used to play bass) is getting in on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.  I don’t want to be a downer for these guys: but seriously, can’t you do yourself the favor of not embarrassing yourself in public and maybe dealing with your addiction problems in private, where they should be handled!?

There are a couple of reasons this bugs me.  First, I really just hate reality shows.  I think they are totally lowest common denominator bullshit and they should be pissed on by anyone with a brain.  But secondly, is the crave for fame and the spotlight so big for these D-List celebraties that they have to air their personal dirty laundry on TV in order to somehow feel important and worthwhile?  I know it’s a paying gig, but I suspect that kicking a drug addiction, like any kind of serious problem, is probably quite personal and not the kind of thing that’s going to go well in a public forum.  If someone is pushing a fucking camera in your face what are the chances that you’re actually going to say what you’re really thinking?

It’s weak, and it’s stupid.  But what else?  Didn’t we already have to put up with embarrassing pictures of metal musicians after Metallica‘s trainwreck Some Kind of Ridiculous Lamitude?  And now look at those guys!  Lars Ulrich wears silk scarves on TV shows and mislabels black metal as death metal.  (Of course, this entire clip is kinda painful in general.)

There are plenty of metal musicians who aren’t stupid addicts, there are plenty who deal with their alcoholism like professionals and there are plenty of metal musicians who don’t wear silk scarves!  Mike Starr, Steven Adler, the jackasses from Poison and Mötley Crüe are not representative of the scene in any way.  I guess on this same note, I should tell Dolving from The Haunted to shut the fuck up.  But I think he’s funny.  Plus, his silly Swedish ass isn’t on TV.

Yay for the world of the internet, and boo for the short attention span of the average MySpace visitor!!

First, it has come to my attention that Amorphis, the venerable and excellent Finnish band that is madly in love with the Kalevale have, in fact, uploaded their entire new album to their MySpace.   I just want to say for the record that I think this is totally cool of them as I have been craaaaving a new Amorphis record since the last one came out.  These guys are so good, and so much better than they have been arguably since their creation back in the olden days.  This is not to say that their old stuff wasn’t good, but they’ve really gotten into their style and they’re kicking major ass up-and-down throughout Europe and the USA.  I hope that they continue kicking this much ass, because it’s like watching a new band with a ton of energy pumping out amazing records.  Think: Maiden in the early days, or Amon Amarth.. just pumping out excellent record after excellent record with practically no break.  That’s when you see a band at their stride: and wow, is Amorphis ever hitting their stride.

That said, the album sounds pretty awesome and I’ll post a more official review later, but I just want to point out that I’m so incredibly disappointed by the average myspace user.  Seriously, give a damn band a chance.  As of this instant (9:58 AM, GMT +1), 40,962 people have listened to the first track, whereas only 25,705 have listened to the next track.  By the time you get to what I think is easily the best track, those numbers fall off.  Now granted, the band still has over 15,000 people listening to the whole album, but that’s pretty fucking weak.  Since when do metalheads have the attention-span of small children?  I thought people who dug metal had gotten there through being willing to give things that other people automatically turn off a chance.  Is it that Amorphis isn’t EXTREEEEEME!!!!!!! enough anymore?  Or, what the shit?

Anyway, total props to Amorphis for the third totally kick ass record in a row.  Also, for the kick ass cover art. That said, kiddies, Skyforger is out on the 27th (i.e., today) in Finland (lucky bastards), the 29th (i.e., Friday–woo hoo!) in the rest of Europe and you suckers in the States have to suffer through to the 16th of June to appreciate the glories of Skyforger.  Poor guys.