“Here I go again, going down the only road I’ve ever known – reviewing 80s era metal heroes trying to recapture lightning in a Zima bottle. If you had MTV in 1987, then, in-between Tawny Kitaen’s automotive gymnastics and David Coverdale’s expertly waxed chest, you witnessed Dutch guitar maestro, Adrian Vandenberg play one of the most iconic solos of the era.” Heart burn redux.
“Why do these retro 80’s pop/metal knockoff records keep clogging the promo sump? And why am I the only one here willing to pry them out? And why do bands think it’s a good idea to keep making this schlock in the first place? Autumn’s Child is one of Swedish vocalist/muti-instrumentalist Mikael Erlandsson’s many projects. While not familiar with Mr. Erlasndsson before I dislodged Starflower from a tar-like mass of solo black metal projects,” Flowers in the 80s attic.
“It blows my mind that only two years passed since the last Volturian album, which I gave a positive review. I stand by that rating, too. Crimson stands firm as a pleasant and fun, poppy and sweet, goth-tinged experience. Big choruses, a fair share of decent riffs, and crunchy downtuned tones which I’ve always loved in this format formed a dance-able volume that is extremely difficult to put down, even today. The pandemic, which hit just before Crimson dropped, stretched time to the point that now, it feels like I wrote that review all the way back in 2018 rather than 2020. Nonetheless, it’s 2022, and sophomore album Red Dragon prepares to swoop down and incinerate my credibility as a metal critic of taste once again.” DraGONES!
“Every once in a blue moon, an album comes along that speaks to me so deeply that I break the rules to cover it. This year, that honor belongs to what is perhaps the most thoroughly unexpected album to ever grace these spongy orifices: UK one-man-band Spider God’s Black Renditions. I say mad science experiment because Spider God offers no new material whatsoever on Black Renditions—this, my friends, is a covers album. A pop covers album. I’m talking about Britney Spears, The Pointer Sisters, Backstreet Boys, among others.” Spider infections and burnt credibility.
“Maybe you thought I was joking when I claimed the mantle of weeniedom. I do sometimes joke, after all. But now you are coming to realize that Red Cain is not a death metal band. They’re not even a black metal band. Look them up, I’ll wait. Look at the tags down there. Oh, and the score. Yeah, see, it says power metal. You know why it says that? It could be that I’m a big weenie now.” Cain and the Weenies.
“Pop metal. Sure. Why not. Sorry, hang on, I missed a crucial detail there. Finnish pop metal. Sure! Why not? Frankly, as much as I may have misgivings about the style, pop is generally meant to be a cheery style and right now I could use some cheer, because this month has seriously sucked on just about every level and, frankly, I’m getting tired of catharsis. So I’m turning away from doom for a second, turning up the speakers, loading up The Cost of Greatness, and am ready for my self-prescribed dose of artificial happiness (non-drug category). So bring it on, Memoremains. Bring. It. On.” The price of happiness.
“Let’s start with the title of the band’s debut, Avant Garde. I guess it’s conceivable these lads genuinely don’t know what that phrase means. After all, it’s French. Then again, the band claims to be from the entire world, so. Point is, Avant Garde doesn’t test the outer edges of anything except this reviewer’s patience.” Is this real life?
“There’s a category of music you don’t see much outside certain nerd circles, that of the “filk song,” or fan-fiction-as-music, even in a genre of music as intrinsically nerdy as metal. Oh, sure, you can rattle off a number of prominent examples, even excluding edge cases like Symphony X’s Paradise Lost. Hell, a sizable chunk of Blind Guardian’s output falls firmly in this camp. But overall, it’s not as big a thing as you might expect, especially on the poppier side of the genre. So imagine my surprise when, slogging through the wasteland of the promo bin, I discover an album by a band billing themselves under “melodic metal,” written around Neil Gaiman’s classic The Sandman.” Nerds unite.
“Drawing from a variety of influences such as math-metal, metalcore, industrial, prog and even pop, The Hirsch Effekt aren’t afraid to challenge convention, but in doing so, they run the risk of being swallowed by their own ambition. The inclusion of a bold language like German could prove to be a volatile addition to an already fractious mix or it could be the epoxy that holds everything together. A salivating proposition.” Die Bart die.
“The sound of Mutoid Man is not something easily explained. The best I can come up with is ”80s metal mashed up with Nintendo game music, but with more hooks and a ton of guitar effects.’ Formed in NYC by Boston expats Steve Brodsky (Cave In) and Ben Koller (Converge), Mutoid has cranked out two and a half albums of catchy, hyperactive metal within a short span of time. 2015’s excellent Bleeder gained some recognition here at AMG, and now the band returns with that crucial third album, entitled War Moans.” Kiss the war.
