“I’m an old dude and there’s no getting around it. Because of my advanced case of age, I’m much more susceptible to nostalgia-core than those younger than I, and when 80s-flavored fares are hawked, I’ll always elbow my way to the front and sample them lustily. Nite is a brand spanking new project by members of Dawnbringer, Satan’s Wrath and High Spirits, and what they’re cooking here is a rollicking mixture of classic 80s metal with a decidedly blackened edge.” Those glorious 80s Nites.
“Here’s something to think about… If Darkthrone’s Transilvanian Hunger released today, would it make the same impression it made back in 1994? More importantly, would it get the same reception nowadays that it got in the past?” No chance.
“With Christmas just around the corner, it gives me wry amusement that Bethlehem are about to unleash their latest slab of blackened thrash on the unsuspecting masses. Tis the season and Bethlehem are in a very giving kind of mood!” Grim yule tidings.
“I won’t lie, when I heard there was a new Sarke poised to drop on the unsuspecting masses, I scrambled to get my hands on it before Steel Druhm could review the unholy hell out of it.” And I would have too if it weren’t for you meddling kids!
“The arrival of 2016 finds the tides turning for Varg, now signed to Napalm Records. Das Ende aller Lügen (The End of All Lies) is here and with it Varg presents their latest direction—one encouraging impulsivity, unpredictability, revelry and brute force. All packaged in nice bright red war paint.” Madam X is here to tell you about the creepy German dogs she dragged home. Who’s not interested in that?
“When nearly half of your band includes key Svarttjern black metal misanthropes, a marriage of Pagan Altar and King Diamond’s heavy metal Mercyful Fate-alism is not what you expect to burst forth from your speakers. And yet it does.” In the Olde School you still need chalk and fountain pens.
“Portugal’s Vaee Solis don’t have much experience administering slow tempo lashings steeped in thick doomy riffs, or for that matter, flogging you mercilessly with shrieks and snarls loaded with blackened ideology. It makes sense then that they’d turn to the guidance and creative output of seasoned veterans like Celtic Frost and Venom to light their path.” Whip it good!
“On the hunt for some mid-eighties style hybrid black thrash packed with blasphemous Venom? Well, as luck would have it the Greek titans, Satan’s Wrath, are back in black, sporting a lineup change, and they have just such a putrid platter!” With a cover like you, you know you’ll need a patched denim vest.
“Pulverised Records sure know how to sell an album! Crucifyre’s promo pack is stacked up the wazoo with perfectly sharpened, shiny meat hooks that’ll slide with ease into that soft fleshy bit just under your chin. And just think, while you’re hanging around at attention, Crucifyre will assault you mercilessly with their second full length release, Black Magic Fire. Titbits like album art from computer-game graphic designer Stefan Hansson, that the band is made up of members from Morbid, Crematory and Repugnant and that Hank Shermann (Mercyful Fate, ex-Volbeat) contributed on “One And One Is One” all give that prickly feeling that you’re on the verge of something great.” Still using the “y” instead of the “i”, eh? What’s the point ov that?
“Wow, what a year! A large portion of 2013 has had me working my ass off in preparation for my stint out at sea with 70,000 Tons of Pure Fucking METAL! I’ve tried to curtail my excitement, but fuck it, this is huge – Carcass, Septicflesh, Finntroll, Overkill… what more could a girl ask for?” As Madam X shamelessly drops free plugs for a certain novelty cruise line, she also delivers her best albums of the year. That lady can multi-task!
