“I felt awful foolish choosing Skindred’s promo when no one else did. My brain was adequately pummeled by single “Gimme That Boom,” complete with its curb-stomping riffs, plodding drums, and Benji Webbe’s formidable vocals and memorable one-liners, providing a perfect soundtrack for the NFL intro to Thursday Night Football. While grooving, I kinda forgot about the fact that the Welsh quartet was a force to be reckoned with in the late 2000s and early 2010s.” Skin in the game.
“Album length is a point of contention at AMG Headquarters. So around the office cooler one day, the illustrious Carcharodon revealed that his promo was a honkin’ two-hour commitment. I now realize that “Mine’s a nine-minute grind EP! Sucks to be you!” was the wrong thing to say. As a dear Lavagirlbitch to the Sharkboy, he used his power to punish me pick a promo for me. Please direct your hate mail to him for the awkwardly named Everture. I was immediately horrified at the phrase “modern metal” that greeted my eyes.” The Everture will continue until morale improves.
“I’ve seen the question time and time again on any review below a 2.5. “Why even review this?” Well, there’s a bunch of reasons. An important one is, as soon as we pick a promo, we’re honor bound to review it regardless of quality. Oftentimes we don’t even know what we’re getting into, signing the contract over only the band name, album title and genre. A writer may start up a promising promo and have his head in his hands before the first minute is out, knowing he’s on the hook. That wasn’t the case with Defecto; I’ve reviewed the Danes before, to unspectacular result, and fully intended not to subject myself this time. But the band was brought up during our monthly meeting and the Emperor commanded me to pick up where I left off. Drat.” Double broken.
“I don’t often jump into a review without even a smidgen prior knowledge of a band or genre. Usually, armed with a fine-toothed comb and a cuppa, I’ll spend hours entering a band from the promo list into ol’ Encyclopaedia Metallum researching them. Making Sophie’s choice is usually tough — I never want to do a band a disservice by not researching or placing myself confidently within their musical world. However, all the promo for the next month was already selfishly taken by my fellow staff members and so, feeling like a lonely Zoidberg in ‘Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love?’ I settled for the Los Angeles-based progressive hard rock and metal band Hyvmine (a purposeful misspelling of hive-mind).” NU LA Land.
“I felt some remorse back in 2013 that I didn’t make more effort to review Apocalyptica’s Wagnerian tribute (Wagner Reloaded), an album that’s seen me through many long flights between South Africa and New York. Along comes Shadowmaker, Apocalyptica now have a dedicated vocalist as Franky Perez (ex-Scars on Broadway) takes his spot in the limelight and I get a chance to make right.” These guys lasted way longer than you expected, didn’t they?
“Hot on the heels of Steel Druhm’s review of Crematory’s Antiserum and sticking with zee Germans, we have Miracle Master’s Tattooed Woman, which delivers an unhealthily large dose of Dio worship, a smattering of modern American hard rockers Shinedown and the growlings of Monster Magnet.” Madam X loves her catchy hard rock, but can she make it through a whole review without Jorn nuthugging? Take your bets now!
