Symphonic Metal

Stuck in the Filter: January’s Angry Misses

Stuck in the Filter: January’s Angry Misses

It’s becoming apparent that our filtering systems work quite well! The crew has done a fine job pulling filth from the workings and releasing the pressure to the system. A second too late and the toilets would have backed up.

Myrath – Karma Review

Myrath – Karma Review

“Alright, earMUSIC. We have to talk. It’s important to know that Myrath is one of my favorite bands on the planet. I’ve been listening to them for well over a decade now, so every time the Tunisian five-piece announces a new album, my rapt, anxious anticipation skyrockets. Frustratingly, since the announcement for sixth LP Karma dropped, album leaks and fake release dates ran amok and led hopeful fans like me to dead Spotify links and rampant misinformation. The repeated PR foibles alone were enough to make me worry that the album wouldn’t be any good. Then, to top it all off, you hand us stream promo? Very naughty! But, that’s okay. All is forgiven because god damn was Karma worth it in the end.” Forgiveness and my wrath.

Northern Genocide – The Point of No Return Review

Northern Genocide – The Point of No Return Review

“Just like a sommelier can (allegedly) sense and describe the minutest differences between wines that may seem identical to the less learned, so can the seasoned metalhead identify regional differences and genre influences that laypersons may question with the tried and true adage: “It’s all just noise, isn’t it?” Melodic death metal has many offshoots and flavors, but the Finnish variety tends to be instantly recognizable anyway, often thanks to a melodic core that draws from neoclassical- and power metal. Northern Genocide wears this hat with pride but then proceeds to layer a bunch of other hats on top until defenestrated by the owner of the hatshop.” Hats and mass murder.

Ihsahn – Ihsahn (Studio version) Review

Ihsahn – Ihsahn (Studio version) Review

“Introductions to Emperor’s creative mastermind Ihsahn, as he drops his eighth (and ninth) solo LPs, seem unnecessary. However, a small note is needed for this review because there are two, entirely separate but inextricably related, versions of Ihsahn and I am reviewing only one of them. Ihsahn’s solo work has always involved a significant symphonic component, as did his writing for Emperor albeit to a lesser degree, but he has gone all-out orchestral for his selt-titled offering.” Symphonies of the night.

Hulder – Verses in Oath Review

Hulder – Verses in Oath Review

“Originally from Belgium but now firmly ensconced in the Pacific Northwest of the US, one-woman black metal project Hulder caused some ripples with debut LP, Godslastering: Hymns of a Forlorn Peasantry, in 2021. Steeped in dark medieval themes and even darker folklore, it channeled both an almost second wave black metal harshness and a folk edge to create a unique sound. Although a little rough around the edges, it promised much for the future.” The future is NOW!

Secret Rule – Uninverse Review

Secret Rule – Uninverse Review

“Well folks, it’s been a good run. This is without a doubt the longest I have gone without landing myself an awful corset-core album. I cherry-picked from the promo bin a little more, I got lucky with a few random rolls. But the dice always turn against you sometime, as any D&D player will attest. I knew I was in trouble when I saw the genre and the worst band name since Significant Point. Then I saw the cover and my fears were confirmed because LOOK AT IT! Gaze upon this absolute debacle and weep for laughter.” Fear and secret rulers.

Presenting Mrs. Ramsbottom’s Second Grade Class Christmas Recital, Starring Tarja, as Described by Liam Collins, Age Seven

Presenting Mrs. Ramsbottom’s Second Grade Class Christmas Recital, Starring Tarja, as Described by Liam Collins, Age Seven

“Hi, I’m Liam. I’m backstage right now because we’re doing a Christmas recital tonight. Everyone in my class is in it except for the Horowitz twins. Ezra and Esther don’t have to for some reason. Our music teacher Mrs. Ramsbottom was supposed to be here too but one of her organs blew up and she had to go to the hospital. It’s called an appendix and I’ve got one inside me too but my Mom says mine is ok and probably won’t blow up. Mrs. Ramsbottom was going to play the piano and we were going to sing but when she got sick we got a substitute teacher. Her name is Miss Tarja.” A night at the school opera.

Genus Ordinis Dei – The Beginning Review

Genus Ordinis Dei – The Beginning Review

“One can’t credibly accuse Genus Ordinis Dei of a lack of ambition. Predecessor Glare of Deliverance used bombastic symphonic death metal to weave a tale of religious prosecution and witchcraft. The entire storyline was accompanied by a series of self-produced music videos. A big project, but the album itself was undercut by bloat and failed to impress me as much as 2017’s Great Olden Dynasty had done. Now, as the year draws to a close, the Biblical story-weavers bring us The Beginning, another religion-themed concept album accompanied by videos, but with only 4 videos and a pared-down running time, I felt hopeful the Italians would not be making the same mistake twice.” Big religion.