“Ah, the first review of 2021. The awfulness of 2020 is finally behind us and the air is thick with hope and boundless possibilities. The world is nearly our oyster once again and everything is poised to come up roses. Because I feel spiritually reborn and brimming with optimism, I picked an upbeat hard rock/metal promo to be my carefree entry point into the year’s grinding review schedule.” Yer Mom!
“If you build it, they will come. Oh wait. That’s Field of Dreams. Either way, that was really the intent that Season of Dreams founder Jean-Michel Volz had for his new project. The Frenchman wanted to take his compositional experience and use it to form a band that channeled the greatest aspects from both heavy and power metals.” Bombed shelter.
“Narnia is one thing. Try a band whose name says it all. Try GOD. All bold, all caps, almighty. I can see you looking at the genre tags, expecting words like ‘gospel’ and ‘power metal.’ Instead, you see ‘prog,’ ‘instrumental,’ and ‘tech-death.’ Do you believe in revelations? Well, you’re about to.” Get right with the Man.
“What do you get when you cross a cellist who has performed on stage alongside the Trans-Siberian Orchestra with the bassist of thrash metal band Annihilator? Theatrical power metal would not be my first guess.” Stage and scream.
“I have an irrational aversion to bands that name themselves after people. Perhaps it’s because I’ve always fantasized about being in a band, and choosing a righteous name for said band is always one of my favorite parts of the fantasy. Or perhaps it’s because, in my mind, a great band becomes something greater than the sum of its parts, a whole that transcends any one of its members. Or maybe it’s because I believe that the Dave Matthews Band is the very worst thing that humanity has ever produced.” What’s in a name?
“The rubber costumes, Halloween-themed perversions, and Rob Zombie-meets-’80s hair metal ditties aren’t on the list of ‘Things Metalheads Need.’ Yet, their Gwar-ish concepts spring up every couple of years as the Metal Monster Squad’s own songs (?) summon them via radio shows hosted by either Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider or Rockin’ Ralph Ruiz. And they don’t seem to care if you want what they have to offer or not—even if they’ve done it some ten times in twice as many years. And, only God/Satan knows, but there’s a handful of you sick sonsabitches out there that enjoy this crap. So, this review of Killection (A Fictional Compilation Album) is for you. Be ashamed of yourself.” Monster, Inc.
“‘N00b, I have something for you.’ I turn to face the voice, surprised to be spoken to directly as all my assignments have arrived via raven scroll thus far. ‘I want to reward you for how well you’ve handled being the worst n00b.’ Steel Druhm hands me a wrapped package. I stand dumb, just as I always do in the presence of authority figures. ‘I think you’ll like it,’ he says with a straight face before turning to walk away. I hear a sound that might be snickering as he disappears around the corner, but I’m too amazed at surviving a face-to-face encounter with him to notice. I look down at the package and peel back a corner of the wrapping. I find a sticker that reads, ‘For fans of Maiden, Priest, Accept, and Falconer.’ Oh my god! Has Christmas come early? Is Steel Druhm one of those “good” evil overlords?” Apes of wrath.
“If only it were that simple. Completely instrumental albums are more difficult to write, I think because we are automatically drawn to voices. Without a vocalist, the tracks must be carefully composed to guide the listener’s attention and keep a sense of structural flow and integrity. Gemini is not carefully composed. Gemini doesn’t have flow and barely any structure. Rather, Gemini is a group of very talented musicians wanking onto a biscuit and hoping you’ll eat it.” Don’t eat the buttermilked biscuits.
“Another day, another blackened death release from Hells Headbangers. It’s not that I don’t like what the label puts out — the past few years have seen great material from Destrukor, Denouncement Pyre, and Profanatica, to name but a few. But it’s albums like Morbid Death Tales that make me wonder if some bands just utilize a filthy sound and the ‘no trends, just pure metal!’ aesthetic as an excuse for churning out music which is half-assed, knowing full well that members of their ‘kvlt’ fanbase will rabidly devour it regardless.” A diet overly high in kvlt is not recommended.
It’s hard not to be in the mood for some folk metal when I wake up every morning surrounded by towering pine trees and solar-eclipsed mountains. The birds chirping incessantly, the sun patiently ascending the treetops, and the gentle breeze carrying the sweet smell of dew-tickled pine needles. These are the surroundings that make folk metal. And what better way to take in this lush atmosphere than with a new Equilibrium release? Sure, there are bands better suited for my morning cup of coffee, but these Ensiferum and Finntroll worshipers have been delivering quality folk metal for close to fifteen years. 2016 finds them in a dark mood—a mood altogether surprising to a band known for being folking fun. So what happens when the band unleashes Armageddon on its fans? Is it too late to shut this off before the trees catch fire?
