GardensTale

Will be destroying crappy nu-metal and praising crappy prog until the sky dies.
In Tormentata Quiete – Finestatico Review

In Tormentata Quiete – Finestatico Review

“I don’t know any bands that sound quite like In Tormentata Quiete. The vocals are the heart and soul of the band, but where this often indicates an accessible band with a single, capable vocalist, ITQ uses everything but the kitchen sink in its range of styles. Two equally capable ladies bring harmonic symphonies that without context might have befitted a progressive Nightwishcore band, but here they balance out Marco Vitals. The only male listed in the vocal department, I am forced to conclude this one man is responsible for the grandiose, operatic clean vocals, the hushed whisper of the spoken sections, the occasional guttural growl, and the absolutely caustic black metal screech.” Many tongues, few spit-ups.

Space Witch – Arcanum Review

Space Witch – Arcanum Review

“All musicians have to cope with the amount of music similar to their own. There are thousands of bands in any given sub-genre: how do you distinguish yourself? Lately, I have felt this stronger with stoner-doom than any other metal genre. Every band peddles 15-minute songs of plodding cyclical riffing, various sorts of harshly belted vocals, and a slow stomping rhythm section. The bands that do anything different are far and few between, and quickly drop from their bin into a differently labeled one, like sludge-doom or progressive-something.” Space Witch, mother_________.

Dead Asylum – Death Always Wins Review

Dead Asylum – Death Always Wins Review

“Strange, what albums take their time to grow. Long, complex albums are in the majority in this particular aspect of music appreciation, but it can happen just as easily with a short and simple set of songs. In the former case, it stands to reason that an 80-minute avant-garde jazz fusion progressive alternative black metal album from Kuala Lumpur will take time to digest, because there are fewer familiar elements to draw from and you keep bending your expectations to try and find the right frame of mind. But why are some easily digestible records birds of the same feather?” Birdbath and beyond.

Interview with Leif Jensen of Dew-Scented

Interview with Leif Jensen of Dew-Scented

“During Roadburn this year, my girlfriend and I had the pleasure of hosting Leif Jensen of Dew-Scented and his spouse in our apartment, providing them with a place to sleep, eat breakfast, and store their gear. Of course, I wasn’t going to let this opportunity go to waste, so Leif graciously agreed to an interview one early and tipsy Saturday afternoon.” Couch surfing with the stars.

Ardent Spirits – Mountain Howl Review

Ardent Spirits – Mountain Howl Review

“Music is a lot like food. Both are nourishing: food for the body and music for the spirit. There’re no accounting for taste, but there’s semi-predictable consensuses (consensi?), such as nu-metal and tofurkey are both hellspawn that should be scorched from the face of the Earth. Sometimes you feel in the mood for a big, luxury five-course meal, so you load up Ayreon, sometimes you crave the greasy slop of Vader, and sometimes you prefer a salad so you throw yourself out the sixth-floor window. With all this said, who’s ready for a medium-sized bag of popcorn?” Kernels of truth.

The Thirteenth Sun – Stardust Review

The Thirteenth Sun – Stardust Review

“What do you get when you take equal parts O(ld)peth, Rush and Devin Townsend, chuck it all in a cosmic blender and turn it on? The correct reply is ‘a throbbing erection,’ but second place goes to upstarts The Thirteenth Sun, set to release their debut full-length 5 years in the making.” Take a cold shower, you perv.

Slagduster – Deadweight Review

Slagduster – Deadweight Review

“In the big and scary world of progressive music, fusion jazz is definitely among the most divisive. The heady complexity of the riffs, the drums that jerk back and forth with different tempos and measures and the structural integrity of a house of cards constructed by a madman often invite words like showing off, musical masturbation, or simply wanking.” Jazz hands be wanking.