Master of Muppets

Probably doesn't know you, definitely doesn't like you.
Karg – Traktat Review

Karg – Traktat Review

“When last a Kargian headline graced this Hall, it was attributed to a TYMHM for their 2018 release, Dornenvögel. Young, full of hope and utterly devoid ov wisdom was the unseasoned Muppet, and ’twas naught but praise that he had for Dornenvögel. Fast forward to the mysterious future of 2020, and the Muppet – nay, the world – has changed entirely.” Change is hard.

Zifir – Demoniac Ethics Review

Zifir – Demoniac Ethics Review

“Look at that album art, yo. Just look at it. LOOK AT IT!!! You might not necessarily be able to discern just what, exactly, is transpiring in that depiction, but you do know one thing: This… is… Black Metal! Perhaps that’s not enough to pique your interests, given the prolific prevalence ov metal’s best subgenre in recent years. Ok, you standards-having turd factories, would you be more intrigued by Zifir‘s Demoniac Ethics if I were to tell you that this particular treat is a Turkish delight? Still nothing? Jesus, you people are impossible.” Evil ethics and pompous muppets.

Dauþuz – Monvmentvm [Things You Might Have Missed 2019]

Dauþuz – Monvmentvm [Things You Might Have Missed 2019]

“Oh God, not you guys again. It’s fucking December, don’t y’all have halls to deck and neighborhoods to ruin with your festive warbling? I’m a busy Muppet, yo, I don’t have time to babble about the great shit you couldn’t be bothered to find on your own. Nope, I’m putting my foot down; I don’t care how much you goons look forward to TYMHM season, I’m not even a little bit interested in sharing a single one my Bandcamp riches with you bastards/bastardettes and that’s that.” Dig that hole.

Mental Health Awareness: Interview with Déhà of Slow/Déhà

Mental Health Awareness: Interview with Déhà of Slow/Déhà

“I have never had such a candid and comfortable conversation about this most miserable of subject matter with anyone before my discussion with Déhà, the mastermind behind Déhà and Slow, among others. It is my sincere hope that someone out there will read these words and feel the same level of support and understanding that I felt as they transpired, and it is all but certain that this will forever be the post that I am most proud and humbled to have contributed to this great Hall ov ours.”

NONE – Damp Chill of Life [Things You Might Have Missed 2019]

NONE – Damp Chill of Life [Things You Might Have Missed 2019]

“Let’s get one thing straight from the get-go: I trvly don’t give a fuck about you, never have and never will. When I share something wonderful here, it’s because awesome Muppet is awesome, not because I want to improve your miserable lives; you deserve nothing and I hope you get less, yo. Accordingly, I write these TYMHM pieces not because *you* might have missed any gems I cover, but because *I* missed *my* chance to properly babble about them during the year.” Muppets unbound.

Slow – VI – Dantalion Review

Slow – VI – Dantalion Review

“An indifferent moon silently presides over an ocean bejeweled with the shimmering ghosts of stars, witness to all and concerned with none. The air is alive with salt and sea breeze, the water as clear and cold as the uncompromising truth that is mortality. You, of course, are aware of precisely none of these things, nor of anything else aside from your own clear, cold reality: You’re fucking drowning, yo. Waxen, hypoxic skin and waterlogged lungs are all that you are here, a stifled testimony of abject self defeat and an inconsequential offering to no one; defeated, drowning… dead. This is what the darkest shades of depression feel like, a perpetually cold and helpless state of being on the wrong side of a near death moment as the world around you spins on, unaffected and insouciant. VI – Dantalion is the soundtrack to such a self-sustained drowning.” Deep waters.

Video Premiere and Interview with Butchered of Arallu

Video Premiere and Interview with Butchered of Arallu

“Every once in a while, for some strange reason, we like to give you creeps the VIP treatment and surprise y’all with some extracurricular goodness. Today you turds’ll be treated to a trve and tasty twofer: in a gracious act of metal camaraderie and questionable judgment straight outta Israel, blackened death veterans Arallu have granted us the honor of premiering the video for “Spells” from their latest desert-y offering, En Olam, as well as subjected their vocalist, Butchered, to an inquisitive Muppet.” Muppet on the desert beat.

Hanging Garden – Into That Good Night Review

Hanging Garden – Into That Good Night Review

“Evermore difficult to believe has been my luck in the ongoing war against the promo bin. Despite multiple attempts to lower my less than angry rating average, including seeking out non-atmoblack/Muppetcore albums or else surrendering my fate to Steel like a damn N00b, I somehow just keep wading out from the promo sump smelling like roses. This brings us nicely to my main point, being that I can’t believe that Dr. Fisting turned down the opportunity to drop everything and craft an unpaid review for Into That Good Night, the sixth album by Finland’s Hanging Garden.” Shaking fists at gardens in the sky.

Shadow Limb – Burn Scar Review

Shadow Limb – Burn Scar Review

“Let me make something clearer: Shadow Limb sound like early (read: good) Mastodon. Like, a lot. The only way to experience the earnest, adventurous riffs and rhythms of tracks like “Rudiger; ” or opener “Asger Arisen” without immediately recalling Mastodon is to have somehow never heard Mastodon in the first place. Half mast(odon).

Cathubodua – Continuum Review

Cathubodua – Continuum Review

“Fucking fuck you fucking all, you fuck fucking fucks. I absolutely fucking hate everyone right now and I blame each and every one of you miserable shits. I suppose I could blame Steel, him having personally assigned me to the nightmare which I must shortly relive, but I blame you. You, ‘dear’ ‘read’-er, are why we do the over worded and under think-ed things that we do, and to the best of my knowledge I have never hurt any of you enough to owe anyone the undertaking that was Continuum, an album I’ll be dedicating my life and liver to erasing the memory of.” Powers.