Master of Muppets

Probably doesn't know you, definitely doesn't like you.
The Negative Bias – Narcissus Rising Review

The Negative Bias – Narcissus Rising Review

“When last this great Hall ov ours was graced by The Negative Bias, I was pretty pissed off; how dare these Austrians arrive outta left field with such a straight-up banger like Lamentations of the Chaos Omega so close to list season? Their follow-up might be more considerately scheduled this time around, but I found myself just as angry when news of Narcissus Rising reached my ears. Hierarchically speaking, I would have to cover it — all two tracks and forty-two fvcking minutes ov it.” Go big.

Yer Metal Is Olde: Katatonia – Tonight’s Decision

Yer Metal Is Olde: Katatonia – Tonight’s Decision

Katatonia are something like my anti Pokémon: when I first discovered them, circa Viva Emptiness, I shared none of the love that the rest of the metalsphere had for the Swedes, and yet it and each subsequent album would eventually dig the band a little deeper into what’s become their home at the innermost depths of my heartcicle. Like the infamous pocket monsters ov yore, each successive Katatonia offering has introduced new defining elements to their makeup, constantly evolving and establishing distinct historical chapters in their wake. Today we revisit Tonight’s Decision, an album that bade farewell to Katatonia’s violent youthful tendencies and set them on a course for dark prog greatness.” They chose…wisely.

Suicide Forest – Suicide Forest Review

Suicide Forest – Suicide Forest Review

“Summer: blah. Rampant blinding sunlight, not a dead tree to be found, and everywhere I go is plagued by incessant seasonal euphoria… I hate it, yo. Without autumn’s dying beauty or the melancholic jubilation of winter nights, I find little to sustain the part of me that feeds on natural darkness and am forced to hunt down anything that’ll let me at least hear that which I cannot presently see or feel. Enter Suicide Forest.” Put some winter in your summer.

The Projectionist – Visits from the Nighthag Part 2 Review

The Projectionist – Visits from the Nighthag Part 2 Review

“All was dark, the sound of falling rain my only companion as I watched the world from atop Black Mount Promo. Hushed whispers warning of The Nighthag’s return had found their way to my ears, and I had to be sure. Before long, Iightning split the sky, shattering the surrounding dark, and there she was: The Nighthag, back for Part 2 of her deadly visit to our lands, summoned by The Projectionist.” From hags to riches.

Temple Koludra – Seven! Sirens! To a Lost Archetype Review

Temple Koludra – Seven! Sirens! To a Lost Archetype Review

“Throughout the untold eons that have comprised my existence thus far, I’ve found myself entangled in countless trysts with the myriad subgenres ov metal. Seasons pass, empires rise and fall, and as the face of humanity changes so does the soundtrack to my omnipresence. My point: I’ve been everywhere in the metalsphere, man, and though I have my preferences and proclivities, I’ll always respect death metal above all. There’s an earnest fervor found and felt throughout the genre at large, and it’s to death metal that I turn whenever I feel burnt out by a deluge of musical sameness.” Death for life.

Snøgg – Chhinnamasta Review

Snøgg – Chhinnamasta Review

“Individuality is everything to me. I neither desire nor strive to be anything other than whatever I feel like being in any given moment, and it creeps the everloving fuck right outta me to witness people forcing themselves to fit into a predetermined role simply because it worked for someone else. Hive-minded fashion trends, movie references in lieu of actual jokes, and viral video memery in general; these are a few of my least favorite things that people often use to fill the voids where their personalities should be. And, as a reviewer, the sonic equivalent — blatantly aping any given artist and avoiding originality altogether — makes me fucking sick.” Felt integrity.

K.F.R. – Démonologue Review

K.F.R. – Démonologue Review

“As I stare into the night sky, casting wishes and cigarette smoke to a lonely moon, a faint tapping sound breaks the silence and the grip of my reverie. I peer into the surrounding dark, curious as to who or what might be sharing this moment with me, but the hushed scenery offers no evidence of an intrusion. I shrug off this immaterial disruption and redirect my gaze towards my lunar companion, when something catches my eye; there, at the skirt of the moonlit lake that I’ve come to sit and think beside, stands a ghost. Before the icy grip of panic can steer my body into a flight of terror, I realize that this spectre is but a reflection in the water—and I am no less relieved.” Keep your sock puppets inside the ride at all times.

Calyx – Vientos Arcaicos Review

Calyx – Vientos Arcaicos Review

“Maybe an album haunts you with its recollective ghosts, maybe a certain genre only dances with you in the frozen dark of a winters night, maybe that song left a scar that only bleeds when you hear the words. The marks and meanings, the songs and sounds… These things vary uniquely from person to person, but we all experience this phenomenon in some way or other. Spain’s Calyx have added yet another piece to my own perpetually expanding puzzle of music mandated mindsets. To wit, their debut Vientos Arcaicos (“Archaic Winds”) makes me want to turn the lights off, smoke my brains out, and play Skyrim til the Nordic cows come home.” Nordic cows will kill you and everyone you love.