Bleeding Us: Metallica Unveil Their Own Branded COVID Vaccine

In what could be considered a crass and distasteful attempt to cash in on a worldwide crisis, Metallica unveiled their own branded COVID vaccine experience yesterday on their dedicated streaming service, Metalliyaboutit. Dubbed “Creeping Health, Inc.”, this branded vaccine is touted as 100% safe, with effectiveness on par with the vaccines currently in circulation from Pfizer, Johnson & Johnson and Moderna. Unlike those field tested, FDA-approved products however, Creeping Heath, Inc. comes in a decorative syringe bearing the bands iconic logo and the inscription “Cure ‘Em All.” For a significant upcharge, fans can get a syringe entirely made out of vinyl with a gate-fold plunger flange featuring specially commissioned artwork by Pushead.

Though the band released no official statement regarding the vaccine launch, drummer Lars Ulrich is on record for comments made earlier this year at a VIP fans-only luncheon at San Francisco’s posh restrant, French Laundry, where he bragged “If Metallica could kill Napster, 80s punk, and symphony/metal collaborations, how hard could it be to kill COVID? For the right price anyway…”

Representatives from the FDA could not be reached regarding the safety or legality of this first ever independently marketed vaccine, but in related news, Kerry King, guitarist for thrash metal act Slayer, was reportedly arrested earlier this week for a series of harassing phone calls, emails and text messages sent to FDA offices.

Top Headlines: Poland’s government continues mandatory national lockdown, requiring entire population to bide time performing targeted marketing calls and mass mailings for Behemoth frontman Nergal’s product lines.

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