Record reviews
“Admittedly, Valborg’s fifth full-length Romantik was selected for review by yours truly based solely on one thing: Valborg apparently sounds like Triptykon. I know; that’s not exactly the best approach when selecting a promo. However, being the fan I am of Tom G. Warrior Inc. (look no farther than my pick for 2014’s Album of the Year), how could I go wrong?” Did someone get trick-tykoned?
“>We’re all familiar with the uncanny valley, yes? When something bears most of the aesthetic qualities of a living being, but a few crucial little details are off and the whole thing gives you the heebie-jeebies? Metal has such a valley, and the ambiguous beast called “modern metal” lives there.” We know you all secretly love deathcore.
“It’s a rare occurrence when a band completely floors me with a debut release. Not just show bright glimmers of potential mind you, but seriously blindside me with a sound that is fresh, unique and remarkably well developed for a first release. Such was the case when Oakland’s Secrets of the Sky seemingly emerged from nowhere with their brilliant opus To Sail Black Waters in 2013.” The hype is strong with this one.
“Civil War bears an amusingly ironic moniker as they’re made up of four fugitive members of Sabaton who fled the mother ship and essentially created Sabaton’s evil twin band. They even appropriated the exact same sound, song structure and overdone military/battle shtick before launching a struggle for Cheesy War Metal supremacy using their former act’s own sound against them.” War is hell, but people sure love writing songs about it.
“If someone told you that their band was basically Xasthur but with no riffs, no vocals, less distortion and no variation in tempo, would you bother to listen? Thank heavens that labels have hyperbole to sell their records because bands like Hypothermia are lost without it.” When minimalism goes too far.
“It’s hard to remain trve in such false times. Wear a broadsword into the local supermarket and you’ll get many a suspicious glance. Build an enormous stone monument to Ye Old Gods on your front lawn and you’ll invariably run into trouble with the town Zoning Board. Sacking weaker neighbors and carrying off their daughters? Forget all about it. Such are the cursed times we live in. But when the going gets tough, the trve get going, and that’s why Ironsword is so damn important.” It’s time to hold those war hammers high. Higher! HIGHER!
“Doom fans among you will likely know about New York’s Grey Skies Fallen, a vintage doom/death act that has been steadily improving their My Dying Bride/Anathema-influenced paeans to pain since the late nineties. Grind fans among you will likely know about New York’s Buckshot Facelift, a slightly less vintage hardcore/grind band that has been vomiting up vitriolic violence since the mid naughties.” But did you know they had a shared project? You didn’t, so don’t pretend you did.
“It took two lines in the Artaius promo blurb to stop me in my tracks – Artaius has shared the stage with well known metal acts like Ensiferum and Primal Fear and Torn Banners features special guests Tim Charles (Ne Obliviscaris), Lucio Stefani (Mé, Pek e Barba) and Dario Caradente (Kalévala). Those be some big selling points right there!” Madam X willing reviewing folk metal? The end is nigh.
“It is written that man greatly displeased his finicky but beneficent Creator, and thus did God come to curse Mankind with various and sundry plagues of pestilence, locusts, skinny jeans and metal super groups. Over time some of these curses have proven more tolerable than others, but I’ll take a good locust swarm over the typical half-baked, so-called super group.” Super groups may annoy, but Cain is certainly able.
“Since we’re all adults, I’ll spare you the long intro. You know why you’re here. Be warned that this reviewer’s opinions are colored by 23 years of Faith No More fandom, as well as witnessing the band’s recent performance at Chicago’s Concord Hall.” For an album as eagerly awaited as Sol Invictus, we needed a double fanboy slobber-fest. Put on your bibs and prepare for foaming.
