33 COPIES. That’s the amount of copies pressed of the 2011 re-release of Noizemongers for Goatserpent, the seminal 2004 “classic” by California’s black/noise merchants, Enbilulugugal. On CDR, no less! This would cause the hearts of both hipsters and black metal elitists to flutter in obscure bliss and revel in the notion that, truly, you have never heard of this before. Sadly, for those (devil) horn-rimmed glasses-wearing folk, Crucial Blast is re-re-releasing Noizemongers for Goatserpent, this time on a two-disc digipak with beautiful art, liner notes… and two discs containing 79 FUCKING TRACKS (!!!) of some of the worst sounds ever put to record. Yes, black metal is meant to be raw, dark, uncomfortable, and above all evil and foreboding. Noise music is meant to be painful to listen to and absorb. Noizemongers for Goatserpent does neither black metal nor noise particularly well.
A spoken word sample kicks off “Intro” before screeching feedback, rudimentary (as in “can’t keep a beat to save their lives”) drumming, and background keyboard flourishes and warbles that has me recalling whichever movie that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was lampooning at the time [Attack of the…Giant…Leeches!! — Steel Druhm]. This continues on for about, oh, 28 more tracks. Once the title track kicks on (track 2, for you folks at home), you are bombarded with the feral screams of Mr. Izedis Apirikubabadazuzukanpa (no, I’m not fucking typing that again) that could be about, well, anything. He does shred his voice quite well, but instead of instilling fear, I’m laughing hysterically.
SPEAKING of which, I caught myself doing The Robot to the intro of “Return to Hellrokken GoatSex”. Probably not the intended result, but the simple beat and guitars at least brought that out of me before going back to fits of laughter and looking at my clock. “Dirgirgiri” brings out a Nirvana riff before going into a kaleidoscope of swirling feedback, Casio settings, and musicianship that makes Anal Cunt look like Cynic. At least “In Hell I Will Burn” tries to inject a bit of evil to the proceedings, with a simple (but effective) Saint Vitus riff, but again, not enough to hold my attention. At this point, I’m 24 songs in, and this shit’s not getting any darker, more evil, or interesting.
Being a noise record, this album sounds like it was produced by a deaf kid, using a broken tape deck before mixing it with an Xbox Kinect. It’s supposed to instill an atmosphere of dread and evil, but instead just (unsuccessfully) hides the shortcomings of the “musicians.” The “remixes” (with the song titles from Noizemongers spelled backwards, in descending order) are basically one long “song” with feedback, some screaming, and more video-game/MST3K sound effects. Disc 2 contains b-sides, demo tracks, and songs from splits and compilations. They provide a slightly better (as in “I’m no longer laughing as hard”) experience, with “Tribal GoatSakkrifice” FINALLY sinking in as being somewhat evil and disturbing. “RetardedGoat” also impressed with a crazed guitar riff that recalls an evil, low-fi Iron Maiden.
Black/noise metal can be interesting. There are fans of Furze and Wold who would probably eat this stuff up, but I can’t even recommend this record to them. Recollections of Nirvana, Maiden, and a Kevin Murphy-voiced Tom Servo do not an evil black/noise record make. Is this weird and fucked up? Yes, indeed, and this is perhaps their goal. But this is far from essential. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll go crash on the couch and watch Space Mutiny for the millionth time…