Númenor – Sword & Sorcery Review

Númenor – Sword & Sorcery Review

“Tolkien metal is actually a thing. For those that haven’t come across it prior to now, it’s a subgenre of black metal that’s supposedly more atmospheric and ambient with lyrics entirely based around Tolkien’s works. Summoning are the forerunners of the genre, but it looks like they have a little competition in the shape of Serbian band Númenor.” Nerds. Be. Raging (and LARPING).

Stryper – Fallen Review

Stryper – Fallen Review

“Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Why is there a Stryper review in my news-feed? Well, it’s there because the infamous yellow and black bumblebees of Christian metal are back with a new album called Fallen, and since we covered W.A.S.P. in their post-Satan phase, it only makes sense we cover these saintly chaps in their Still-God phase (AMG would strongly disagree, but he’s traveling and doesn’t know about this yet).” The path of the righteous is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil metal reviewers.

Denner/Shermann – Satan’s Tomb EP Review

Denner/Shermann – Satan’s Tomb EP Review

“At this point, it’s really is no secret that I’m 100% all about anything that has to do with King Diamond and Mercyful Fate. I’ve chased down Black Rose and Zoser Mez demos, have purchased every original and remastered pressing of every KD and MF album, still listen to both Force of Evil albums every Halloween, and even love the odd Illwill side project.” Dr. Clickbaiter is a tad obsessive over things like clicks and Kingly projects.

Lik – Mass Funeral Evocation Review

Lik – Mass Funeral Evocation Review

“As a youthful cheeky-chappy, I missed death metal the first time round. The wonders of Google have permitted me to research that which I lacked, thus purging myself of the vim and vibrancy with which I was once characterized. I now regularly murder my family and desecrate their burial chambers in the name of such legends as Entombed and Dismember, a sentiment obviously shared by Stockholm’s latest recruit: Lik.” It’s Throwback Friday (again)!

Enshine – Singularity Review

Enshine – Singularity Review

“Winter is coming, and when the cold reaches my home and hearth, it’s time to break out the top-shelf sad boy melodic doom-death and spin it until Odin renews the world and grants primacy to the sun once more. As the low winter sun encroaches, one of the first bands into the depressive breach is the long defunct but truly excellent Rapture. A close second is the even longer defunct Slumber. The latter released but one brilliant album (Fallout) before imploding, and said album went on to be tragically overlooked.” The Sleeper of Slumber has awakened!

Corpspazm – Corpspazm Review

Corpspazm – Corpspazm Review

“The pulsating surge of the retro wave has turned music reviewing into what’s essentially the Antiques Roadshow. We listen like the appraiser examines a piece, looking for authenticity, craftsmanship, and the overall condition of the music. We then describe our findings and you lovely folks read about them, some of you coming here every day, some once a week, and some seduced now and again by the masterful and sultry click-baiting some of us excel at.” Just look at that veneer!

Deafheaven – New Bermuda Review

Deafheaven – New Bermuda Review

“If Deafheaven makes you mad, you’re doing it wrong. The essence of the band’s appeal isn’t found in their physical manifestation, nor the influences they’ve mined and reshaped for themselves. Even the passages of their music that seem to trigger minute-by-minute breakdowns from the commentariat don’t tell the whole story.” And here’s the rest of the story.

The Black Dahlia Murder – Abysmal Review

The Black Dahlia Murder – Abysmal Review

“Like every reviewer on the face of the planet, my first thought when seeing the title of The Black Dahlia Murder’s latest full length was Wayne’s World: “Shitty Beatles? Are they any good?” “They suck.” “Then it’s not just a clever name.” To be honest, in the case of Detroit’s finest, I had a hard time believing that this was any kind of In Flames-esque “naming this record based on its meaning for the band” logic. That’s not really TBDM’s style, and well, let’s be honest, even at the very worst these guys have always put out very good music that I consistently get into fights over.” And said fisticuffs shall continue for the foreseeable future.