Rumors Confirmed: Angry Metal Guy is the Work of One Man – Bizarre Alter Egos Created to Confuse Readers

News broke this week that conspiracy theorists were correct and popular metal blogspot Angry Metal Guy is written entirely by one man, despite Herculean efforts to make it appear the work of several dozen writers. That one angry man is Melvin Groeger Jr. of Burnt Falls, Indiana. Melvin started the site back in 2009 only to see it grow out of control, requiring increasingly desperate efforts on his part to make it seem like the work of a knowledgable staff of metal aficionados.

“When I started this thing it was supposed to be a one-man blog featuring my opinions on metal,” stressed Melvin. “But as it went along, all these other idiotic personas just emerged from my psyche. I based some on astrology archetypes, like Steel Druhm, the classic Ares warrior-poet, and Doc Grier, the compassionate, loving Libra.” Other alter egos were ripped right from Melvin’s beloved Harry Potter books, like Holdeneye and TheKenWord, who represent the mischievous half-wits George and Fred Weasley.

This elaborate and seemingly pointless web of intrigue requires Melvin to write two to three reviews daily, each running 700-plus words. The sheer volume of work seems impossible for any one person to manage, so how does Melvin pull it off? “Basically I just take the PR bullshit that comes with each promo, cut, paste, tweak, and slap a score on it. Done!”

The burning question this leaves is, of course, why doesn’t Melvin just hire real writers to help him with AMG? When asked, Melvin rolls his eyes and scoffs, “C’mon, what kind of a complete idiot would do this much work for free?”

You heard it here first, folks. Follow your dreams, no matter how odd and nonsensical they may be.

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