0.5

Tank – Sturmpanzer Review

Tank – Sturmpanzer Review

“Sometimes we get what we want, and sometimes we get what we deserve. Here I am, trudging towards the end of the year, relying on headmistress Madam X to dole out the review rewards and punishments as she sees fit – except for this week. This week, she forgot about little old me, and what did I see lurking in the promo bin? Tank. How did Steel Druhm, my cohort in late-middle-age, not grab this? Both of us remember the original Tank from way back in the early 80s, with their punk/proto take on the whole NWOBHM movement briefly endearing them to many.” Tanked.

Gnaw Their Tongues & Crowhurst: Burning Ad Infinitum: A Collaboration Review

Gnaw Their Tongues & Crowhurst: Burning Ad Infinitum: A Collaboration Review

“In many ways, this collaboration makes perfect sense. The lo-fi, chaotic-noise aesthetic of Gnaw Their Tongues is a very natural direction for the experimental drone of Crowhurst to wander off to, and vice versa. Given the prolific nature of Gnaw Their Tongues‘s Maurice de Jong and Crowhurst mastermind Jay Gambit, it’s also pretty much par for the course that these two noise mongers eventually crossed paths and left some tracks in their wake.” Gnawed and miserable.

Nancybreathing – Awake Review

Nancybreathing – Awake Review

“Sometimes I only remember the days when I was young, yet nowadays no one else remembers when they were young and stupid. Sure, it’s kvlt and trendy to affect disdain or downright contempt for the genre, but Muppet sees your elitist bullshit and raises you one velvety middle finger: no one’s saying nü-metal was something to be proud of, but there’s a reason you all know how much it matters when one tries so hard and gets so far.” Nancy hates us.

Stump Tail Dolly – Soundtrack to the Second Civil War Review

Stump Tail Dolly – Soundtrack to the Second Civil War Review

“To paraphrase Jurassic Park’s Ian Malcolm, we were so preoccupied with whether or not we could, we never stopped to think if we should. Yet here it is: a Nashville quartet who bill themselves as a fusion of country and metal, complete with twangy guitars, honkytonk fiddle, rudimentary attempts at extreme metal, and shit-kicking rhythms pulled straight from the Bumfuck County square dance.” Wrong Turn: the Musical.

Insatia – Phoenix Aflame Review

Insatia – Phoenix Aflame Review

“The promo selection at AMG is a brutal process. If you are late to the game, all the good stuff has been picked by the vultur- I mean, my colleagues, and your choices are reduced to black metal, metalcore or symphonic metal (which nearly always means Nightwishcore.) I was late this time, and Jorn help me, I picked symphonic power metal album Phoenix Aflame completely blind. I recall my last thought before my own private hell was unleashed: “Can’t be worse than Akoma.” The early bird gets the Wormrot.

Sektarism – La Mort de L’Infidele Review

Sektarism – La Mort de L’Infidele Review

“As anyone who knows me well enough can attest, I function in strange ways. I enjoy my iced coffee in the wintertime. In the summertime, though, when everyone is either at the beach or cruising down the highway of their choice, I prefer to shutter myself in my house, grab a beer, and listen to either Kyuss or funeral doom. Strange, I know, but there’s something to be said about taking it easy on days where it’s overly sunny and hot as balls outside. So imagine my delight when I discovered La Mort de L’Infidele by France’s Sektarism in the promo bin, just waiting for me to engage in enough summertime sadness to make Lana Del Ray blush.” There ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.

No Zodiac – Altars of Impurity Review

No Zodiac – Altars of Impurity Review

“I’m an extreme guy. By this I don’t mean that I consider myself dangerous or an advocate of some horrendous 90’s marketing initiative, rather that I am a man of extremes – when I like something, I like it a lot; when I dislike something, I have almost no capacity to hide it. Having said that, I pride myself on giving anything and anyone a fair chance, and so it is with music. Lest I resort to using an entire genre as a de facto pejorative, I make sure that it’s an informed opinion that I weigh against an act. Thus, when I say I’m not a huge fan of deathcore, it’s an evaluated choice – not a trendy point of view.” Extreme regression.

Invidia – As the Sun Sleeps Review

Invidia – As the Sun Sleeps Review

“We all did dumb stuff when we were 14. We overate on candy without remembering how much we puked last time, we lost teeth to concrete trying to nail the stupidest stunts, and we tried and failed horribly at being cool enough for that one girl that kick-started our hormone production the summer before. One of the (un)cool things we did was listen to what passed as edgy at the time, and considering this would be 2003 for me, that would be Mudvayne and Static-X. Now I have a brand new nu-metal promo by Invidia, a supergroup featuring members from Skinlab, Five Finger Death Punch and In This Moment, colliding all of the above with such heroes as Godsmack, a manure-filled dump truck and a frat house full of drunk jocks.” Ah, to never be young again.

Deathless Legacy – Dance with Devils Review

Deathless Legacy – Dance with Devils Review

“Despite trying to sound like Death SS via their humble beginnings as a tribute to those guys, Deathless Legacy comes across more as a soporific Halloween-themed Nightwish, but with worse vocals. There are plenty of keyboards, and the tempos don’t generally get too lively. Sadly, ‘Monster Mash’ may actually make for an apt comparison.” So much for the Transylvanian Twist.