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Sektarism – La Mort de L’Infidele Review

Sektarism – La Mort de L’Infidele Review

“As anyone who knows me well enough can attest, I function in strange ways. I enjoy my iced coffee in the wintertime. In the summertime, though, when everyone is either at the beach or cruising down the highway of their choice, I prefer to shutter myself in my house, grab a beer, and listen to either Kyuss or funeral doom. Strange, I know, but there’s something to be said about taking it easy on days where it’s overly sunny and hot as balls outside. So imagine my delight when I discovered La Mort de L’Infidele by France’s Sektarism in the promo bin, just waiting for me to engage in enough summertime sadness to make Lana Del Ray blush.” There ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.

No Zodiac – Altars of Impurity Review

No Zodiac – Altars of Impurity Review

“I’m an extreme guy. By this I don’t mean that I consider myself dangerous or an advocate of some horrendous 90’s marketing initiative, rather that I am a man of extremes – when I like something, I like it a lot; when I dislike something, I have almost no capacity to hide it. Having said that, I pride myself on giving anything and anyone a fair chance, and so it is with music. Lest I resort to using an entire genre as a de facto pejorative, I make sure that it’s an informed opinion that I weigh against an act. Thus, when I say I’m not a huge fan of deathcore, it’s an evaluated choice – not a trendy point of view.” Extreme regression.

Invidia – As the Sun Sleeps Review

Invidia – As the Sun Sleeps Review

“We all did dumb stuff when we were 14. We overate on candy without remembering how much we puked last time, we lost teeth to concrete trying to nail the stupidest stunts, and we tried and failed horribly at being cool enough for that one girl that kick-started our hormone production the summer before. One of the (un)cool things we did was listen to what passed as edgy at the time, and considering this would be 2003 for me, that would be Mudvayne and Static-X. Now I have a brand new nu-metal promo by Invidia, a supergroup featuring members from Skinlab, Five Finger Death Punch and In This Moment, colliding all of the above with such heroes as Godsmack, a manure-filled dump truck and a frat house full of drunk jocks.” Ah, to never be young again.

Deathless Legacy – Dance with Devils Review

Deathless Legacy – Dance with Devils Review

“Despite trying to sound like Death SS via their humble beginnings as a tribute to those guys, Deathless Legacy comes across more as a soporific Halloween-themed Nightwish, but with worse vocals. There are plenty of keyboards, and the tempos don’t generally get too lively. Sadly, ‘Monster Mash’ may actually make for an apt comparison.” So much for the Transylvanian Twist.

Cognition – Procession of Thoughts Review

Cognition – Procession of Thoughts Review

“When I was saddled with West Virginia natives Cognition’s sophomore LP Procession of Thoughts, it was with the impression that I would be receiving a prog album to review. Neither I, nor the powers that be, had any indication that this was not the case. Every piece of promotional material released by the band comes with a “progressive metal” descriptor and a giant eye, one of the genre’s many stalwart symbols, graces an awkwardly framed cover which absolutely screams prog. Despite all meters pointing straight to wankery, it took me less than a minute to realize that I had been duped.” Cognitive dissonance.

Secret Rule – Machination Review

Secret Rule – Machination Review

“Remember Amaranthe? Say what you want about them as a metal band (which, if you’re being six figure tax return levels of charitable, would be “not so great”), but as a pop band they’re alright. Massive Addictive was catchy, regardless of the fact that it was meticulously crafted by Swedish pop robots, made of 100% candy-coated processed cheese, and equal in substance to a sugar rush. Italy’s Secret Rule is pure processed cheese too.” Cheese and sugar go together like dynamite and napalm.

Autokrator – Autokrator Review

Autokrator – Autokrator Review

“Remember that scene in A New Hope where our rebel heroes get caught in an imperial trash compactor and have to somehow get out before they’re crushed into a Jedi-flavored bullion cube? Autokrator watched that classic escape and thought it would be a great idea to musically explore a similar situation in which R2D2 fails to shut down all of the garbage mashers on the detention level and Han, Leia, Luke, and Chewy are replaced by Stephen O’Malley, Nergal, Chris Barnes, and a the GM Frigidaire 1-18, respectively. It was a stupid, stupid idea.” Nuff said.

iwrestledabearonce – Hail Mary Review

iwrestledabearonce – Hail Mary Review

“Let’s talk metalcore. The much-maligned genre derided by all the ‘cultured’ as trash, which shifts off the shelves faster than a jet-powered jaguar amongst those with ‘plebeian’ tastes. You, loyal reader, have disparaged the genre at one time, just as I did – there was a phase where the merest hint of a breakdown induced spontaneous and forceful ejection of my stomach’s contents. As a younger chap, I was taking my first tentative steps into the self-absorbed swamp that is metal just as metalcore was taking off, and I’ve observed its explosion and subsequent implosion with due care.” It’s down to the wire, can we get a Hail Mary over here?

Coal Chamber – Rivals Review

Coal Chamber – Rivals Review

“Since the dawn of man, humans have tried to prove or disprove the existence of a higher power. Believers have cited the beauty of nature and the intricacy of the human body as evidence, while the skeptics can point to tragedies like cancer-stricken children and the Holocaust to make their case. My personal moment of truth hits a little closer to home: Coal Chamber have reunited, and I am reviewing their new album Rivals. There is definitely no god.” Read along as a crisis of faith afflicts the AMG staff.

Ghoulgotha – The Deathmass Cloak Review

Ghoulgotha – The Deathmass Cloak Review

“As someone who writes music reviews, I take pride in being able to craft together a 450-550 word essay on why you should pick up an album, or why you should avoid it entirely. Keeping the reader on their tippy-toes while painting a vivid picture for your eyes and ears to digest is a great joy of mine. However, as the world aged by a year this week, I too have added another year to my existence. In doing so, I’ve realized that there comes a time where you have to dispense with the hyperbolic bullshit and just call it as it is.” Such a comment is rarely the prelude to something positive.