0.5

Cognition – Procession of Thoughts Review

Cognition – Procession of Thoughts Review

“When I was saddled with West Virginia natives Cognition’s sophomore LP Procession of Thoughts, it was with the impression that I would be receiving a prog album to review. Neither I, nor the powers that be, had any indication that this was not the case. Every piece of promotional material released by the band comes with a “progressive metal” descriptor and a giant eye, one of the genre’s many stalwart symbols, graces an awkwardly framed cover which absolutely screams prog. Despite all meters pointing straight to wankery, it took me less than a minute to realize that I had been duped.” Cognitive dissonance.

Secret Rule – Machination Review

Secret Rule – Machination Review

“Remember Amaranthe? Say what you want about them as a metal band (which, if you’re being six figure tax return levels of charitable, would be “not so great”), but as a pop band they’re alright. Massive Addictive was catchy, regardless of the fact that it was meticulously crafted by Swedish pop robots, made of 100% candy-coated processed cheese, and equal in substance to a sugar rush. Italy’s Secret Rule is pure processed cheese too.” Cheese and sugar go together like dynamite and napalm.

Autokrator – Autokrator Review

Autokrator – Autokrator Review

“Remember that scene in A New Hope where our rebel heroes get caught in an imperial trash compactor and have to somehow get out before they’re crushed into a Jedi-flavored bullion cube? Autokrator watched that classic escape and thought it would be a great idea to musically explore a similar situation in which R2D2 fails to shut down all of the garbage mashers on the detention level and Han, Leia, Luke, and Chewy are replaced by Stephen O’Malley, Nergal, Chris Barnes, and a the GM Frigidaire 1-18, respectively. It was a stupid, stupid idea.” Nuff said.

iwrestledabearonce – Hail Mary Review

iwrestledabearonce – Hail Mary Review

“Let’s talk metalcore. The much-maligned genre derided by all the ‘cultured’ as trash, which shifts off the shelves faster than a jet-powered jaguar amongst those with ‘plebeian’ tastes. You, loyal reader, have disparaged the genre at one time, just as I did – there was a phase where the merest hint of a breakdown induced spontaneous and forceful ejection of my stomach’s contents. As a younger chap, I was taking my first tentative steps into the self-absorbed swamp that is metal just as metalcore was taking off, and I’ve observed its explosion and subsequent implosion with due care.” It’s down to the wire, can we get a Hail Mary over here?

Coal Chamber – Rivals Review

Coal Chamber – Rivals Review

“Since the dawn of man, humans have tried to prove or disprove the existence of a higher power. Believers have cited the beauty of nature and the intricacy of the human body as evidence, while the skeptics can point to tragedies like cancer-stricken children and the Holocaust to make their case. My personal moment of truth hits a little closer to home: Coal Chamber have reunited, and I am reviewing their new album Rivals. There is definitely no god.” Read along as a crisis of faith afflicts the AMG staff.

Ghoulgotha – The Deathmass Cloak Review

Ghoulgotha – The Deathmass Cloak Review

“As someone who writes music reviews, I take pride in being able to craft together a 450-550 word essay on why you should pick up an album, or why you should avoid it entirely. Keeping the reader on their tippy-toes while painting a vivid picture for your eyes and ears to digest is a great joy of mine. However, as the world aged by a year this week, I too have added another year to my existence. In doing so, I’ve realized that there comes a time where you have to dispense with the hyperbolic bullshit and just call it as it is.” Such a comment is rarely the prelude to something positive.

H.E.A.T. – Freedom Rock Review

H.E.A.T. – Freedom Rock Review

It is more and more apparent to me every day that heavy metal is going into a hibernation stage. As an Angry Metal Guy I try to keep my ear to the ground for movement in a forward direction, particularly from younger people. Instead, there’s nothing but a rash of neo-heavy metal and thrash bands that flood the market as apparently 18 year olds all feel like the really missed out on thrash and are out of ideas. But what’s worse than kids writing thrash metal records that could’ve been written in 1982? Kids writing butt rock albums that should’ve been written in the dying throws of 1980s cock rock in about 1991. That’s right, H.E.A.T., from the same town as venerable rockers Europe have decided to run with 1980s action movie theme as the basis for their sound.