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Aum – Om Ah Hum Vajra Guru Padma Siddhi Hum Review

Aum – Om Ah Hum Vajra Guru Padma Siddhi Hum Review

“Just in case there was any ambiguity following the above band name and album title, yes: Aum are kvlt as fvck. Social media is unworthy of their presence. The supplied photo does that stupid intentional enigma thing. I cannot locate any information about the band besides their French nationality. Their exploration of Buddhism through the medium of blackened death metal seems confused.” Putting the K in kvlt.

X-Method – Sex, Alcohol, Rebel Music Review

X-Method – Sex, Alcohol, Rebel Music Review

“I’m a rare steak man. It doesn’t have to bleed to be palatable, but it probably wouldn’t hurt. After tossing a couple sirloins on the grill for dinner, my fiancée asked how I was liking X-Method. A blood-tinged fugue immediately compelled me to follow her back into the house so that someone, anyone, would listen to the ensuing oral diarrhea. Fifteen minutes later, my untended steaks were completely overcooked. X-Method ruined my dinner and my stomach demands recompense.” That steak is now like Thor’s hammer – runed!

Jinjer – King of Everything Review

Jinjer – King of Everything Review

Jinjer play a combination of groove metal, metalcore, and nu metal. Vocalist Tatiana Shmailyuk does some screams, growls, aggressive spoken-word poetry, and clean vocals over top of it. If Issues didn’t try to be the combination of metalcore, Flo-Rida, and R Kelly that they are and instead were just another metalcore band, they’d probably sound like Jinjer.” Is nu metal still new?

The Glorious Rebellion – Euphoric Review

The Glorious Rebellion – Euphoric Review

“Being a metal reviewer is fun. I get to discover new gems I probably wouldn’t have otherwise heard, I get to think of creative ways to make fun of bad albums, and I get to work with an amazing and talented group of fellow writers whose reviews and recommendations provide an abundance of new, quality metal to check out. But like all jobs, this one has a dark side.” Here comes the bittersweets….

Suspiral – Delve into the Mysteries of Transcendence Review

Suspiral – Delve into the Mysteries of Transcendence Review

“When I was younger, I remember pre-ordering Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete for the original PlayStation, back when it was announced at my local Babbage’s in the fall of 1996. It would be a full three years later before it was released. In that timeframe, I graduated from high school, worked at Babbage’s then-competitor (Electronics Boutique), quit acrimoniously from said competitor, went Straight-Edge very hard, got unnecessarily angry at life and everything around me, gave up being Straight-Edge very hard, and moved around the same town three times Yet I still had my eyes on the prize. When I got the game, it didn’t quite live up to the expectations despite all the delays. This story illustrates that some would say I have the patience of that unfortunate Bible character, Job.” Oh, that can’t be good…

Temple of Gnosis – De Secretis Naturae Alchymica Review

Temple of Gnosis – De Secretis Naturae Alchymica Review

“It’s been said that in order to truly change as a human being or other living organism, one must undergo a transformation of truly horrific proportions. Sure, we all know that butterflies derive from caterpillars, but we don’t actually see the caterpillar going through a grotesque shape-shift in order to become an object of beauty, nor do we see a lowly seed split apart and become a mighty oak tree. From those painful, oftentimes disturbing metamorphoses, one finds enlightenment. Serbian one-man doom/death group Temple of Gnosis uses this idea….” Kafka-core is now a thing.

Instigator – Bad Future EP Review

Instigator – Bad Future EP Review

“I love cheese. Think of all the wonderful things that wouldn’t exist without it. Pizza, cheeseburgers, nachos, quesadillas, 2003 Al Roker. Cheese is one of those things that, with rare exception, there can never be enough of. Our mission here at AMG is to be thorough and fair, so we listen to an album at minimum of a good three or six times. Since Instigator’s Bad Future EP is so short you can probably triple that.” Sure, cheese tastes good, but it will clog you up.

Abysmal Lord – Disciples of the Inferno Review

Abysmal Lord – Disciples of the Inferno Review

“Over the years, metal has seen quite a few unique viewpoints on various religions represented within our not-so-tiny circle of influence. From praises to Jesus to the unification of the three Abrahamic religions, there’s no shortage of good metal for those who want an alternative to all things Satan. That said, the Horned One still gets the vast majority of the best tunes out there, and newcomers Abysmal Lord from New Orleans, Louisiana, know this quite well.” The bang and crash of evil is alive and well in the bayou.

Blëed – The Hatred Inside Review

Blëed – The Hatred Inside Review

“Imagine third-rate Slayer-worship, a guitar tone so doctored it almost resembles djent, and lyrics so mindlessly asinine and violently vacuous that they actually pain me to hear them. Throw in a faltering vocalist and unimaginative song-writing and you have The Hatred Inside. Intrigued?” Better than fourth-rate Slayer, right?