“Given how great 2016 was for me personally, my resolution for the New Year, if I was forced to make one, would be to keep doing what I was doing but do even more of it. The more things stay the same, the more things keep coming up Milhouse Diabolus. With that in mind, 2017 is off to a great start! Case in point: just like 2016, my first review of the year’s subject is Raleigh’s Suppressive Fire.” Thrashy deja vu.
“It’s no secret that—following a legacy now two decades old—black metal is synonymous with Scandinavia. For most, this refers to Norway and Sweden, but, depending on who you ask, this may also include Finland and Iceland. Regardless if these countries meet the rules for the “Scandinavia” tag, they have a plethora of black metal bands, with legacies all their own. And I thank that goat-headed deity for that.” Feeling Scandinavia, looking frozen tundra.
“Much like how everyone figured out what Ewoks were called despite the name never being mentioned in film, mysterious forces of collective cultural understanding have conspired to associate slamming brutal death metal with forced puns. I have not the faintest chance of elucidating the causes for this association, but I want to go on record in support of it.” Slam-fisted stuff here, folks.
“News from Germany, courtesy of power metal band Victorius: apparently it’s totally fine to remove pesky vowels from words as one sees fit, much in the same way the Brits pretentiously shove “u” into words that never needed it (let the comments war commence)!” Take a vowel, leave a vowel.
“Let’s play a game of ‘guess the genre!’ We have a band with a nondescript, vaguely fantasy-sounding name. Google betrays it to be the Ghanese word for ‘heart.’ The album name is Revangels, which I’m guessing is a contraction of revenge and angels? That seems likely, but I choose to believe it’s about angels that have become groupies for deceased drummer The Rev, instead because that’s more clever than the alternative.” Show no symphony.
“By the time you read this, the new year will already be in full swing, and judging by this album’s release date, AMG industries is already struggling to keep up. Expect the Record(s) o’ the Month to be late.” While you wait, feel free to attend the AMG poetry slam.
“Attempting to categorize Laster is like trying to catch air with a net, but in a hypothetical “pick a genre or die” kind of scenario, one would probably end up lumping them in with the blackened shoegaze crowd. To do so would be a crass oversimplification, however, as their music incorporates an absurdly diverse range of elements and influences.” AMG policy requires air nets be worn at all times.
“Those who know me will tell you that Steel Druhm is a man of refined tastes. As such, I don’t always listen to cult underground doom, but when I do, I like it the same way I like my chili – extra meaty and full of crippling regret. Obscure Chilean doom purveyors, Condenados have their own homestyle recipe they’d love to share and on their second album, The Tree of Death they’re looking to serve it to a wider audience.” Ent no thing.
“It’s a brand new year – a fresh beginning for all of our personal stories and a clean, blank slate for metal music. Now is the time to take risks, to be daring, to innovate. Just kidding, it’s actually time for the 17th goddamn album of monochromatic meat n’ taters metal from the unstoppable Germanic horde called Grave Digger.” Well, that de-escalated quickly.
“Do you smell that? No? Breath deeper? Now do you smell it? Nope, it wasn’t me or the dog. That is the flatulence of another year. Forced out the sphincter of 2016, 2017 promises to be better than the worm-ridden large intestine it was shat from. Actually, twenty-seventeen doesn’t promise shit.” Doc loves the smell of blackened sphincter in the mourning.
