“After confusing body/soul searching I opened my third eye to Irkalla. Following the band’s advice to light a candle (I could only find a mulled wine scented candle from Christmas) after midnight I listened to the record, enhancing my journey into the esoteric darkness of my soul. What I found, deep within, was dark.” Block the chakras.
“I feel I should start this review off with a disclaimer: stoner rock is not my usual jam. Traditional heavy metal, sure. Doom metal, absolutely. Psychedelic rock, not so much. So when you mesh the three together, I can go either way with the results. Still, I was compelled to check out Doom Machine, the fourth full-length release from Portuguese rockers Miss Lava.” Why would anyone build a doom machine?
“Dystopia no longer exists in the realm of fiction. Fiction is reality. Falsities become truths, truths falsities. Who knows what’s true. This Christmas a mainstream British TV channel provided an alternative deepfake version of the traditional Queen’s speech, a warning against the proliferation of misinformation and fake news. When will metal be deepfaked? Will we even be able to tell if we’re listening to the machine? Are we deepfakes, howling through the vortex of the internet and providing energy to the lizard people? Who knows. Molten may be real or may not.” Dystopia now!
“Oale groond is apparently steeped in the history and traditions of Twente, a region our resident Dutch expert told me is a rural area in the Eastern Netherlands. Releases following such long periods of seeming inactivity tend to go one of two ways: the first is that the resulting product is highly polished and evidently the labor of many hours; the second is that the band was truly inactive and subsequent albums demonstrate the lack of imagination which had previously stunted the band. Which way does this go?” groond to a halt.
“I enter this review with a certain amount of trepidation. Two writers whom I thought would be interested in Alchemical Warfare, Dread Sovereign’s third album, were not. Akerblogger reviewed their last effort, and when I offered this to him he said, ‘all yours.’ When I mentioned this new album to Grymm, who like myself is a big fan of Primordial, he said ‘they don’t do anything at all for me.’ Well, not exactly ringing endorsements, but I was still willing to take a chance and hope for the best.” Dread or gold?
“Belgium’s Fireforce graduated from the same military academy that produced beefy power and/or heavy metal war machines like Dream Evil, Mystic Prophecy, and Sabaton, and apparently these guys graduated somewhere near the middle of their class.” Fire drilling.
“You know when you lose a bet and find yourself wearing a Red Sox jersey and forced to eat a hundred cocktail weenies until you purge yourself in the tub? Well, that’s nothing compared to the Paw of Steel punishment for picking on Kenny. Ken told me it was corset-core. Cool, I like corsets. There may or may not have been the mention of Nightwish, but I cataloged that as trollarchy. So, I took the punishment and rolled with it. Well, you know those times when a movie character comes to a dramatic realization? When the camera zooms in, and they look up at nothing and whisper, “Dear GOD”?” Cheesy justice.
“Need’s previous record Hegaiamas: A Song for Freedom was one of my favorites of 2017. Apparently I’m not alone, as I had to fight Huck
off to review this one. As the album titles imply, Greece’s Need play pretty prototypical pretentious prog, in the vein of Mountain-era Haken and bits of Symphony X. As the tussle over reviewing it implies, they’re also really good at it,” Needful songs.
“Well, well, well. Looks like I found myself a unicorn. No, not the band picture, I’m speaking metaphorically. You see, whereas there are plenty of one-man bands, there are not a great deal of one-woman bands. On top of that, Tali Green, the mind behind Nicarus, hails from Israel; hardly a hotbed for metal. So it goes without saying that the underdog factor for Coal People Coal Puppets is sky high. If this were a Hollywood movie, she’d be de facto winner of 2021 already. But is this the real life, or is it a fantasy?” Coal for all.
“Black metal is my mac ‘n’ cheese. It’s something I can consume at pretty much any time. First thing in the morning? Delicious! A quick lunch at work? Get that puppy in the microwave! When I’m hungry and don’t know what to have for dinner? There’s always mac ‘n’ cheese! Best of all? It goes with pretty much anything. Even ice cream. Trust me on this. The downside is that I don’t remember most of my mac meals; one has to be pretty special to stand out. 2021 has brought me my first go-to meal, courtesy of Theion, the debut album of Malakhim, a Swedish black metal quintet formed in 2017.” A gooey fate.
