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Crypt Sermon – Out of the Garden Review

Crypt Sermon – Out of the Garden Review

“2015 is still in its embryonic stages, but we may already have the doom album ov the year in our dirty, peasant hands. Little heralded Crypt Sermon’s debut Out of the Garden is a veritable treasure trove of classic doom moments guaranteed to take the listener back to the good old days of the genre, before there were such things as “retro” or “occult” doom.” Hope you’re ready to feel the weight of the world, because we’ve reserved a doom with a view just for you.

Vassafor/Temple Nightside – Call of the Maelstrom Review

Vassafor/Temple Nightside – Call of the Maelstrom Review

“Interesting accent these bands have got there. New Jersey? No, New Zealand. And Australia. Well then, let’s throw another shrimp on the barbie! 36 minutes of blackened thunder from down under await those with a taste for the cavernous on Call of the Maelstrom from Vassafor and Temple Nightside.” Nasty stuff for nasty people. You know who you are.

Putrid Offal – Mature Necropsy Review

Putrid Offal – Mature Necropsy Review

“I jumped on reviewing Putrid Offal’s debut album, Mature Necropsy, like a retiree on an early bird special when I saw a lineup of three guys that may actually have a few years on me. These French gore hounds formed 25 years ago, split up five later, and dug the carcass up again in 2013.” Getting tired of juvenile necropsies? Well these geriatric gore rockers are here to make you watch Murder She Wrote and eat ribbon candy.

Visigoth – The Revenant King Review

Visigoth – The Revenant King Review

“I wasn’t aware how much I needed my ass kicked by some epic, trve metal of the olden style until said ass kicking was delivered by Utah’s Visigoth and their debut, The Revenant King. Their mega hefty, uber manly metal owes a lot to ancestors like Grand Magus, Argus, Sinister Realm and of course, Manila Road, and naturally, they specialize in long, bulky odes to swords, battle and honor (“Oathcore” for short).” The barbarians were at the gates and they left a giant wooden beer. Let’s go get it!

Freddy and the Phantoms – Times of Division Review

Freddy and the Phantoms – Times of Division Review

“Many moons ago when I walked uphill in ten feet of snow both ways to get to secondary school. The music department was populated with insufferable dorks who would lecture anyone within earshot on music’s death and subsequent stinking decay post-1979. This snobbery still exists in the present day, and I’m left wondering exactly where this incredibly soundproof rock these people are demonstrably living under is located.” Come back baby, rock n’ roll never forgets.

Angra – Secret Garden Review

Angra – Secret Garden Review

Angra needs no introduction. The band has been a power metal fixture since the early 1990s and are one of the biggest metal bands to ever breach the borders of their native Brazil. Still, the last decade(ish) has been rocky for these guys, and you might not be blamed for having thought they called it quits. Not only did half the band quit in the early-aughts to go and start Shaman, but they’ve had dust-ups with management and were put on hold—even having been mistakenly reported as split-up entirely. Hell, between 2010’s Aqua and the release of Secret Garden they lost both a singer—who was replaced by Rhapsody [of Fire]’s Fabio Lione—and got a new 23 year-old drummer to boot. Consistency has been hard to come by for Angra of late.” Mr. The Metal Guy takes on Angra’s newest record. Does he bite the cheese?

Desolate Shrine – The Heart of the Netherworld Review

Desolate Shrine – The Heart of the Netherworld Review

“Great, for my first review of 2015 I have a cold. My head is a slime factory, and some genius cephalic operations manager has decided that the best place to store the snot-stock awaiting delivery to my nostrils is behind my eardrums. I’m fortunate that the band I’m reviewing is Desolate Shrine, then, as their ultra-dense death metal is one of the few things powerful enough to penetrate through the aural mucus wall.” Tastes like death, but it’s snot.

The Crown – Death Is Not Dead

The Crown – Death Is Not Dead

“Honestly, I haven’t been excited for a new release from The Crown in a long time. For one, the quality of their releases has slowly declined since their epic Hell Is Here debut back in 1999.” These cats have an uneven history with more than their share of lineup issues, but they’re back and we have opinions (and some of them are silly).