“Earlier this year, our Angry Metal Overlord declared on Twitter that he was ‘done with atmospheric anything for a long time, but particularly black metal… Everything sounds the same and no one has any ideas.’ Now, your good pal Doomy cut his teeth on atmospheric black metal like Wolves in the Throne Room and Agalloch, so this was heresy to my eyeballs.” Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the bored.
“Ok, be honest. If I told you today’s review was for a double album that clocked in at nearly 160 minutes and consisted of atmospheric blackened doom metal, what would you say?” Alexa, skip.
“Over four years ago, Karyn Crisis released Salem’s Wounds, the debut album of her new project, Gospel of the Witches. While I found it to be an overly long, lopsided album, it was still awesome to see Crisis return to making heavy music again, and I was eager to hear more from this project. Fast-forward to 2019, and the Gospel are down to a tight three-person line-up, with Crisis once again teaming up with husband Davide Tiso, who handles the guitar, bass, and songwriting this go-’round, rounded out by Skinlab drummer Fabian Vestod. With four years between albums, are we looking at a stronger, more concise Gospel?” Out of the crisis, into the coven.
“While we lowly contributors labor in vain teaching at Promo Bin Middle School, we put up with metalcore shitheads apathetically texting while we’re teaching and black metal nerds threatening to fight us over manga correctness. Meanwhile the quiet drone achievers spend their time fucking up the class average in both directions. Getting a student recommendation from the principal is a huge deal for class chemistry and can go both ways, either the biggest disappointment ever or a star pupil who will inspire generations to come. This was my concern when I saw ambient black metal group Ancient Moon stamped with the ‘editor’s recommendation’ tag.” Go straight to the Principality of Hell.
“As always, Wovenhand were on a blinder and played a great show but their co-headliners, then completely unknown to me, blew me away. They were Chicago natives Russian Circles. I can’t now remember whether Wovenhand or Russian Circles played first but it doesn’t matter because, whichever way round it was, this was Circles’ night. This three-piece, playing expansive, heavy instrumental metal, held the Scala in the palms of their hands that night.” From Russia with blood.
“In which we fall under the Russian sphere of influence and cry about it.”
“Gauging by the comments section on a recent post-metal review that I penned, it would seem that a lot of people are over anything post-y. What better way to win new fans and friends than to write up an experimental, instrumental, post-rock collective? Hmm, on reflection, this could be a hard sell.” Coffee is for closers.
“It has become all too apparent that I do not learn from my mistakes. People warned me since childhood never to trust a snake, and yet Python will mark the second time I picked promo based solely on my love for those slithery danger noodles. I’ve learned my lesson this time for sure, though. Never in my life have I encountered a shit-tastrophe as rank as Astrological Warfare, the band’s ill-conceived sophomore record.” Twice bitten.
“As I stare into the night sky, casting wishes and cigarette smoke to a lonely moon, a faint tapping sound breaks the silence and the grip of my reverie. I peer into the surrounding dark, curious as to who or what might be sharing this moment with me, but the hushed scenery offers no evidence of an intrusion. I shrug off this immaterial disruption and redirect my gaze towards my lunar companion, when something catches my eye; there, at the skirt of the moonlit lake that I’ve come to sit and think beside, stands a ghost. Before the icy grip of panic can steer my body into a flight of terror, I realize that this spectre is but a reflection in the water—and I am no less relieved.” Keep your sock puppets inside the ride at all times.
“Those of us at not familiar with Vektor shot some great shit around the AMG office bilge warmer when we first heard that Terminal Redux was going to be 73 minutes long. A thrash album coming in at over an hour long? Don’t these wankers know that I could listen to Reign in Blood two-and-a-half times instead of their shitty album? We all know how that went down. Suffice it to say that the Reign in Blood rule can at times be violated. Yet it still surprised me when Varaha took their 47-minute-long atmospheric-goth-doom-etc. album and, in stuffing another 21 minutes of orchestral interlude tracks in, somehow improved the record.” Binge without guilt.
