“Beloved metal bloggers Angry Metal Guy (A.K.A. AMG) and Steel Druhm (A.K.A. Steely D.) were arrested unexpectedly last night by Interpol agents in a joint operation executed in Sweden and New York. The arrests are connected to an ongoing missing person investigation involving one Happy Metal Guy, a sometimes writer for the AMG website who vanished several years ago under suspicious and troubling circumstances.”
“Today Wintersun announced the grand opening of their own branded Micro-Hotel, giving fans a chance to stay in the actual studio where the band is recording their long awaited new album. The Micro-Hotel, dubbed Anna Meille Rahaa Luuserit, can accomadate 15 guests. A weekend reservation goes for $5,000 and covers two nights in a luxurious plastic box with a window looking into the band’s infamously crowdfunded recording studio.” Slot yourself in.
“Another month, another spectacularly late Record(s) o’ the Month. At this point, can’t we just agree if you get it at all, it’s timely? As for February, it was a respectable month o’ metal with enough candidates for the top spots to make for a contentious selection, and no matter what we picked, some faction was going to have grievances. Since we’re a grievance type of website, we soak that shit up like craft beer and virgin’s blood.” It’s late, don’t hate.
“My friends ask me what happened, but my ability to verbally communicate has been reduced to moaning and a weeping noise that sounds something like a baby panda crying for milk. I wonder how I’m going to make it through the final day of this floating festival. I wonder when the aching will subside. I wonder where my life went so wrong. How did I end up here, on the 7th annual 70000 Tons of Metal cruise, weak with exhaustion and feeling like my body has been bludgeoned with a sledgehammer? My mind drifts back…” Tales from a 70000 ton heavy thing.
“It’s a brand new year but it seems some things never change; like you getting a way late Record(s) o’ the Month post. Rather than blame the usual suspects and counter-productively point fingers, allow me to explain why these posts occasionally get delayed a wee bit.” Behind the curtain lies the truth (and the mold).
“Well, it looks like we made it to the end of another year of music, mayhem and interweb tomfoolery! And while 2016 kicked most of our asses in unpleasant ways, it was an outstanding year for metal music. In fact, I think it was the best overall since I joined the AMG meat grinder way back in 2010.” Don’t shoot the messenger gorilla.
When Doctor Grier and El Cuervo get together, the hobo wine and illogical selections run like an ever-flowing stream. Ride the tide of opinion!
Christmas just isn’t Christmas without a dose of good-natured trollery from Steel Santa.
“November was sure to be a much easier month to sift through than October, which was outright ridiculous. Of course it had its share of standouts, but most of the AMG intelligentsia was in agreement where the November crown should be placed. Since this is such a rare occurrence, we were able to render a timely posting, which is in itself quite rare.” No turkeys here.
“It seems like all the greatest adventures begin with a phone call. This particular call came about a month ago. The gentleman on the line was one of my brothers. Brother Grier had called to inform me he had purchased tickets to Southwest Terror Fest in Tucson, Arizona. His plane ticket was purchased, the hotel reservation was set, and I had no choice but to join him (he had apparently bought me tickets too).”Tales of brotherhood, beers and grind.
