“Okay, admission time: as you can probably guess, I don’t always rely on the Grymm Grab Bag™ to decide who or what I get to review. If it’s a band I love or have a history with, I’ll give a fair looksee and go from there. In some cases, the name alone will grab me and say, “dude, review this, please.” Hence, Finland’s Tomb of Finland. That’s a pretty benign name to most people, right?” Wait for it….
“I’m aware many readers think I pick promos to review based solely on the presence or absence of a sword wielding barbarian on the cover. I can certainly see the reasoning behind that school of thought, but you’ll note there is no such angry warrior here, only a solitary dude in feathers and native garb. That dude is none other than Jonne Javela, vocalist and guitarist of Finnish folk-metal pioneers, Korpiklaani, and Jonne is his new solo album.” Finland’s woodland spirits are loose and feeling frisky.
“Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: in an alternate universe where musical ideas are themselves beings, three idea-beings walk into a bar. The first one is incredibly boring and pretentious yet still quite popular, and his name is Nachtmystium P. Floyd. The second is loud and already drunk, and his name is Rattus Kaaos; upon spying him the bartender mutters “raucous Finnish punk” under his breath. The third is Ornassi Pazuzu, who categorically refuses to stop droning on about anything and everything psychedelic. The nightly cover band got food poisoning, so there was an impromptu call for music. These three all wanted to jam so went up together, played, and wondered if they should keep this gig up. They did, and now we have Abyssion.” Good bar to avoid on cover nights.
“Finland’s Burning Point was always a tolerable “also ran” in the Euro-power sweepstakes, with several decent but unremarkable albums full of by-the-book melodic speed. 2012s The Ignitor however, benefitted from a heavier, meaner sound and had vastly superior writing. It became a dark horse favorite of mine and it’s the only album of theirs I go back to. When news reached me that Battle Beast’s original singer, Nitte Valo was coming aboard along with two other new members, I was unsure whether to celebrate or despair.” Something’s burning and the smell is troubling.
“Timo Tolkki is a busy chap. Sure, he isn’t Vardan busy, but I don’t begrudge anyone time to enjoy of deep vacations, not even the former mastermind of Stratovarius. While maintaining his Timo Tolkki’s Avalon project and manning the writing desk for the Allen/Lande albums, you’d think the man would be all tied up. Yet he found time to team with Chilean songbird Caternia Nix to create Chaos Magic, a mega-melodic goth-metal outfit looking to horn in on the sales of Within Temptation, Sirenia and all the other rack metal denizens.” There’s no chaos to see here, move along.
“I’m going out on an emo limb here, but Finland’s To/Die/For had a run of three albums where they released some of the best goth metal the world ever saw. From Jaded to Wounds Wide Open they were completely unfuckable with for slick, uber hooky sad boy rock, and to this day I’m still all over those platters like a beast. Then came the endless line up conundrums and inner turmoil and the band broke up and reformed several times…and it looked like the end was nigh for the reigning kings of Finnish gloom and my little black heart was both achy and breaky.” It’s time to open your scar diaries once again.
If sitting alone in a darkened room, lighting a few candles, uncorking a good claret, and settling in for an uninterrupted hour of beauteous funeral doom sounds like your idea of a fun night in, you’re probably already a fan of Shape of Despair. Discovering that they were finally releasing a new LP after eleven years of waiting left me pert with anticipation.” Slow and low, that is the tempo.
“If being wrong about things ranks amongst your favorite hobbies, you probably answer the question of “which country has the overall best death metal scene?” with something other than “Finland.”” Finland, Finland, Finland! It’s always about Finland.
“It is written that man greatly displeased his finicky but beneficent Creator, and thus did God come to curse Mankind with various and sundry plagues of pestilence, locusts, skinny jeans and metal super groups. Over time some of these curses have proven more tolerable than others, but I’ll take a good locust swarm over the typical half-baked, so-called super group.” Super groups may annoy, but Cain is certainly able.
“As spring finally gives way to summer, it’s the perfect time to receive the latest dose of folksy hijinks and madcappery from the festive Finnish institution known as Korpiklaani. Noita is yet another chipper, high spirited outing by these drunken woodsmen, offering nothing new while clinging tenaciously to the buttocks of the last several albums.” The dancing forest rangers are back to play you the song of their people and drink you under the oaken table.
