“When Steel Druhm pitched my weekly Hot Pocket and Fanta allotment down the Well of Rookie Souls, he shouted something about it being “ultra mega super cheesy.” I thought he meant my pepperoni-infused beauties, but it turns out he was talking about the cheese-nuke of an assignment he dropped on my work slab.” Loosen the jazz hands.
“The old adage “Never judge a book by its cover” holds firm here. Long story short, I picked Germany’s Ewigheim for review from our list of promos because a certain half-man, half-gorilla who shall forever remain nameless listed them as “black metal” due to the album cover, logo, and the fact that he glanced over the German one-sheet. Hankering for some kvlt blackness of the tr00est order, I grabbed their sixth full-length, Schlaflieder, and was met with… something totally not black metal.” Mistakes were made.
“In the rich annals of metal bands crossing over into unintentional parody, Sacred Steel looms large. The perpetually over-the-top cheese fueled trve metal warriors led by “unorthodox” vocalist Gerrit P. Mutz have been pounding on the doors of the Great Hall ov Great Metal demanding entrance since 1997 only to be met with a shrug and a “No Solicitation” sign. But ignore them at your peril, for they’re as relentless as they are comical.” In trvth there is pain.
“Having first encountered Munich’s Waldgeflüster on their split with Panopticon earlier this year, I was intrigued and further encouraged to investigate their brand of atmospheric black metal. A couple from our valued community rate their work as among the best in the genre. Try though I did, I found myself somewhat underwhelmed.” El Cuervo vs. buzz.
“I love seeing bands progress beyond their infant stages, taking their influences and branching out into worlds unknown. Germany’s Heaven Shall Burn are not one of those bands you think of when you picture the word “progress.” They’ve taken their signature sound from 2004’s landmark Antigone, refined their attack, and proceeded to beat us over the head with variations of their trademark brand of metalcore/death metal/whatever it is the cool kids are calling them these days.” AMG: Voice of the cool kids since 2009.
“The pirate’s life is not for everyone. Extensive travel, oft unprofessional coworkers and arcane profit sharing arrangements conspire to limit the talent pool and keep opportunities scarce. None of that ever mattered to Running Wild. They took to the trade like a duck to water and from 1987 onward they’ve kept the marauder’s flag flying almost nonstop through hard times and rough seas. Rapid Foray is the third release since their 2012 “reformation” and as on Shadowmaker and Resilient, they’re not looking to reinvent the parrot.” Rum and rummer.
“As you get older, reminiscing becomes part of everyday life. Especially those pushing thirty, forty, fifty years old. Times were simpler in the old days and, while we’re wiser now, there’s a sense of envy for those days of ignorance. In 2016, AMG Industries, Inc. gives Sodom’s thirty-year-old self an opportunity to look back at baby pictures. A few weeks ago we got an YMIO on Obsessed by Cruelty and now we get 2016’s Decision Day.” That baby was mighty ugly. So what’s the adult version looking like these days?
“Those looking for great prose don’t turn to a dictionary. Instead, a writer opens up the ol’ Merriam-Webster tome to get himself a clinical definition of whatever word he happens to be unsure about. With that step out of the way, our writer can hopefully make something great using the technical knowledge he gained. While he’ll remember the dictionary definition, it will never be inspiring to him; it will just be a reminder about what the word means and how to use it correctly in context. When listening to Gloryful’s third record, End of the Night, I kept coming back to dictionaries. It sounds like heavy metal and I suppose it technically is.” Glory is for winners.
“There’s some saying we Westerners adopted about having too many cooks in a kitchen spoiling the meal. For the most part, it’s accurate. As we’ve seen with duos such as Godflesh and Anaal Nathrakh, it does take two to make a thing go right. German black metallers Imperium Dekadenz are another duo who’ve been at it since 2004, with multi-instrumentalists Horaz and Vespasian holding firm the entire time.” But what happens when they add a little Deafness to the mix?
“Sometimes it’s almost impossible not to look back on the past and ask ‘what if?’ As in ‘what if I’d actually taken those piano lessons in middle school and learned to play an instrument?’ or ‘what if I’d actually talked to that cute girl in my sophomore English class and didn’t end up as a single guy in my mid-twenties eating Chinese takeout on my couch while wearing a faded Morbid Angel shirt with the sleeves cut off?’ With debut Distant Call, German thrashy metalcore quartet Awaiting Downfall aim to answer their own versions of this question: what if Trivium didn’t go full Metallicore with The Crusade and instead tried to remake Ember to Inferno?” The implications are staggering!
