“Having never heard of Magic Kingdom prior to this review, I was surprised to find out that the band’s existence dates back to 1998 and to find out that Mr. Lance King himself had at one point been involved with the band according to Metal Archives. MetAlmighty finds the band slinging power metal tunes that should satisfy fans of bands like Theocracy, Gloryhammer, and the various incarnations of Rhapsody.” Magic, monsters, and monarchs.
“Everybody knows a local band like Chicago’s Bones. If you attend small scale metal shows in your vicinity with any sort of regularity, you know them well: a groove oriented death metal band, often fresh off work, that seems to open every show regardless of whether they fit the bill. This results in often hilarious pairings, including my recent bewilderment at Kansas City’s death/doomsters Pulchra Morte opening for Gloryhammer of all bands. Bones is the very embodiment of that same working class energy, but as they fall under the eclectic umbrella of Transcending Obscurity, curveballs are to be expected.” Boning it in.
“If you missed the tongue-bathing AMG gave their last album, Gloryhammer are one of the best active Rhapsody-style epic power metal bands, and also a loving, self-aware parody of same. They’re founded first on quality and second on overly-amped up tropes—D-tier speculative fiction plot, non-native English speaker lyrics, etc.—to the precise point where they become obviously funny. It’s not so overdone that it becomes tiresome, and it works because of the attention to detail and cohesiveness of the whole: take a couple of elements away and you might wonder whether they were actually serious all along.” Get hammered.
“To fully understand the absurdity that is Beast in Black is to know their roots and lyrical inclinations. Formed by Battle Beast guitarist Anton Kabanen following his departure from the band in 2015, BiB’s debut Berserker is a sonic extension of BB; ostensibly, it’s an identical formulation of mid-paced heavy/power metal, with added Sabaton influence and a side helping of glam rock and Euro pop. This nakedly derivative formula is made all the more amusing when one realizes that Kabanen also imported his Berserk-themed lyrics from his old band. From Hell With Love sees Beast in Black sinking to new new ineffectual lows, and the resulting irony of pairing this music with one of the most brutal comics I’ve ever encountered is more hilarious than ever.” Love is Hell.
“I hate how the paleontological community has degraded the popular image of dinosaurs in recent years. It’s not that I disagree with their theories – I’m no scientist, and I’m not about to dispute countless hours of research performed by people who actually know what they’re talking about – but I’m still disappointed, because imagining a Tyrannosaurus rex as a big fucking chicken and a tender lover absolutely shatters the mystique of my childhood obsession. So you know what, Victorius? Go right ahead. Strap laser beams to their frickin’ heads. Refer to them as “epic war machines” fighting a “holy war” against “alien scum.”” Saur spots.
“Serenity is an Austrian symphonic power metal band that has met my standards with 2016’s Codex Atlanticus. That record was solid, yes, but I was surprised by the band’s newest record landing in my inbox a year after its release. More concerning than surprising, however, is that the record is a concept album about Richard the Lion-Hearted. A solid record a year later is an ask for most bands, but do-able. A solid concept album in the same time is simply a reach. So, is Serenity’s Lionheart a good album? And, more importantly, is it a good concept album?” Lions, hearts and crusades, oh my!
“2017 finds Epica as they have ever been (and essentially as they were in 2016 because it’s been eleven fucking months): well-oiled and fun, but still prone to excess and struggling to engender their music with a sense of purpose. A thirty-minute time limit should rein in the former, can a lithe bodice and some deft editing take care of the rest?” In space, no one can hear your bombast.
“I know you. You’re like me. You took one look at that hein(ie)ous album title, shook your head, and reported yourself to HR. The obliquely-named Return of the Cosmic Men marks the second effort from French power outfit Galderia, a band whose 2012 debut The Universality was decent but notable only for its group of eight vocal contributors. If Galderia wanted to beat my exceedingly low expectations, they were going to have to show me something special.” Who ordered the special with extra cheese?
“I don’t know any bands that sound quite like In Tormentata Quiete. The vocals are the heart and soul of the band, but where this often indicates an accessible band with a single, capable vocalist, ITQ uses everything but the kitchen sink in its range of styles. Two equally capable ladies bring harmonic symphonies that without context might have befitted a progressive Nightwishcore band, but here they balance out Marco Vitals. The only male listed in the vocal department, I am forced to conclude this one man is responsible for the grandiose, operatic clean vocals, the hushed whisper of the spoken sections, the occasional guttural growl, and the absolutely caustic black metal screech.” Many tongues, few spit-ups.
“I don’t know how I get myself into these things sometimes. I reviewed Kaledon’s 2013 opus, Altor: the King’s Blacksmith for reasons now completely unknown to me and was mightily unimpressed by the third-tier Italian power metal cheese therein. Because I reviewed Altor, I was on the hook for 2014s Antillius: the King of the Light, which was considerably heavier and much better, but still too dairy-intensive for my long-term listening tastes. Now they’re back with a reshuffled lineup including a new singer and set to deliver Carnagus – Emperor of Darkness.” Cheeses H. Christ.
