Gwar

Lordi – Killection (A Fictional Compilation Album) Review

Lordi – Killection (A Fictional Compilation Album) Review

“The rubber costumes, Halloween-themed perversions, and Rob Zombie-meets-’80s hair metal ditties aren’t on the list of ‘Things Metalheads Need.’ Yet, their Gwar-ish concepts spring up every couple of years as the Metal Monster Squad’s own songs (?) summon them via radio shows hosted by either Twisted Sister‘s Dee Snider or Rockin’ Ralph Ruiz. And they don’t seem to care if you want what they have to offer or not—even if they’ve done it some ten times in twice as many years. And, only God/Satan knows, but there’s a handful of you sick sonsabitches out there that enjoy this crap. So, this review of Killection (A Fictional Compilation Album) is for you. Be ashamed of yourself.” Monster, Inc.

Rodent Epoch – Rodentlord Review

Rodent Epoch – Rodentlord Review

“Today’s Horna-meets-Gorgoroth-meets-The Deathtrip second-wave sound is courtesy of Finland’s Rodent Epoch. Admittedly, when I first read the band name and saw the album title, I couldn’t help but think of that villain from the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoons. Which made me question Rodent Epoch‘s debut full-length, Rodentlord: is it a cartoon or is it for real? Let’s see what this Rat King thing is all about.” Vermin, vermout.

Lordi – Sexorcism Review

Lordi – Sexorcism Review

“The first time I heard Lordi was when everyone else did. It was 2006, they had just won Eurovision (never seen it; don’t care) and their third full-length, The Arockalypse, had hit the streets. I was driving down the 101 in Phoenix, having just purchased it on CD. It was early April, already hot as hell, and I didn’t have AC in my forest-green Geo Tracker. For my horrible mood, my sweat-soaked Yanks cap, and the t-shirt glued to the seat, I was, surprisingly, having a good time.” Lordi, Lordi.

Noisepicker – Peace Off Review

Noisepicker – Peace Off Review

“The other day at the grocery store, I bought a bottle of wine solely on the Walking Dead label. And I’m not even a big fan of the show. But, when I’m brain-fried and all I want is a fucking drink, I grab the first bottle or six-pack that jumps out at me. That’s how I came across that wine and that’s how I came across what I thought was Nosepicker. Because, you know, I’m immature like that. Unfortunately, it’s not Nosepicker, it’s Noisepicker.” Pick it, don’t eat it.

GWAR – The Blood of Gods Review

GWAR – The Blood of Gods Review

“I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t a pathetic, GWAR-loving metalhead. I love their gimmick, their style, and the plethora of absurd characters and butt/cock jokes. That said, I wouldn’t label GWAR as musical revolutionists. They may be pioneers in costume design, satirical album concepts, and over-the-top stage shows, but I wouldn’t go as far as giving any of their material a 4.0/5.0. But, they’re fucking fun. Never taken seriously but never taken lightly, GWAR has not only amused me for years but has taught me the value in hating the world. And, when I thought this world couldn’t get any shittier, Oderus Urungus (Dave Brockie) died.” Win one for Urungus.

Ghoul – Dungeon Bastards Review

Ghoul – Dungeon Bastards Review

“When first discovering that Ghoul was releasing a new album, a friend of mine had this to say: “I didn’t realize Impaled… I mean, Ghoul, was still around.” Then, while phoning home recently, this was what my mother had to say about the new album: “Who in the fuck is Ghoul?” Whether surprised by the news of a new Ghoul release or not, one thing is for certain: my mom has a potty mouth.” Moms ruin all the fun.

70,000 Tons of Metal Live Review

70,000 Tons of Metal Live Review

“I don’t agree with my dad on everything, but there’s one thing we do agree about: cruises are the best way to vacation. Free all-you-can-eat buffets, breezy tropical weather, alcohol and entertainment available everywhere, and – most importantly – you’re always within walking distance of your room, so you never have to worry about getting a DUI or throwing up in an Uber on your ride back to the Red Roof Inn. But a cruise with 60 metal bands and over 3,000 fans from all over the world, making a four day round-trip to Jamaica with bars that never close? That’s a whole different beast entirely!” In the Navy, you can rock the seven seas!

Thor – Metal Avenger Review

Thor – Metal Avenger Review

“Whether you know it or not, Jon Mikl Thor is a living legend. His bizarre 40 year journey through the entertainment wood chipper has taken him to the disparate worlds of bodybuilding, live quasi-porn theater, proto-heavy metal and Grade-Z horror films. Through it all and come what may, the amiable Canadian Juggernaut just keeps smiling and flexing away, forever awaiting his big break.” The hammer will fall on all those who deny Thor’s trveness.

Hellbastard – Feral Review

Hellbastard – Feral Review

“As made blatantly obvious in my first review of 2015, last year left me drained, beaten, and more fucked over than a single person can stand. So, it is only fitting that Hellbastard‘s brutally honest and extremely pissed-off Feral allowed me the opportunity to let everything go, smash shit, speed recklessly down the highway, and drop a big “fuck you” to all the bullshit.” Go fookin coconuts!