“News from Germany, courtesy of power metal band Victorius: apparently it’s totally fine to remove pesky vowels from words as one sees fit, much in the same way the Brits pretentiously shove āuā into words that never needed it (let the comments war commence)!” Take a vowel, leave a vowel.
Jan17
Akoma – Revangels Review
“Let’s play a game of ‘guess the genre!’ We have a band with a nondescript, vaguely fantasy-sounding name. Google betrays it to be the Ghanese word for ‘heart.’ The album name is Revangels, which I’m guessing is a contraction of revenge and angels? That seems likely, but I choose to believe it’s about angels that have become groupies for deceased drummer The Rev, instead because that’s more clever than the alternative.” Show no symphony.
Brain Spasm – Toxic Monstrosities Review
“By the time you read this, the new year will already be in full swing, and judging by this album’s release date, AMG industries is already struggling to keep up. Expect the Record(s) o’ the Month to be late.” While you wait, feel free to attend the AMG poetry slam.
Laster – Ons Vrije Fatum Review
“Attempting to categorize Laster is like trying to catch air with a net, but in a hypothetical “pick a genre or die” kind of scenario, one would probably end up lumping them in with the blackened shoegaze crowd. To do so would be a crass oversimplification, however, as their music incorporates an absurdly diverse range of elements and influences.” AMG policy requires air nets be worn at all times.
Condenados – The Tree of Death Review
“Those who know me will tell you that Steel Druhm is a man of refined tastes. As such, I don’t always listen to cult underground doom, but when I do, I like it the same way I like my chili – extra meaty and full of crippling regret. Obscure Chilean doom purveyors, Condenados have their own homestyle recipe they’d love to share and on their second album, The Tree of Death they’re looking to serve it to a wider audience.” Ent no thing.
Grave Digger – Healed by Metal Review
“It’s a brand new year – a fresh beginning for all of our personal stories and a clean, blank slate for metal music. Now is the time to take risks, to be daring, to innovate. Just kidding, it’s actually time for the 17th goddamn album of monochromatic meat n’ taters metal from the unstoppable Germanic horde called Grave Digger.” Well, that de-escalated quickly.
Insulters – Metal Still Means Danger Review
“Do you smell that? No? Breath deeper? Now do you smell it? Nope, it wasn’t me or the dog. That is the flatulence of another year. Forced out the sphincter of 2016, 2017 promises to be better than the worm-ridden large intestine it was shat from. Actually, twenty-seventeen doesn’t promise shit.” Doc loves the smell of blackened sphincter in the mourning.
The Replicate – A Selfish Dream Review
“Another year, another glut of SoCal tech death coming my way. Being the world’s sole arbiter of brutality, I have to say that I’m a bit disappointed with the more traditional technical death metal scene as of late.” Because The Arbiter is disappoint, there will be much punishment.
Derhead – Via Review
“As we slam the door on the non-stop game of Russian Roulette that was 2016, we at Angry Metal Guy Enterprises, LLC collectively realize that the adage “the more things change, the more they stay the same” rings ever so true. New years always bring new promises. They also bring with them one-man black metal.” Seize the day and a drum machine.