“Voodoo Circle make Steel and I yearn for the olde days, when we would sit on the veranda in our trailer park, drinking hobo wine out of pickle jars, listening to mixtapes of Blue Murder, Whitesnake, Great White, and the Scorpions. It was a simpler time: hairspray-soaked blues metal dominated the scene, and there were four main lyrical topics: love, bad love, dirty love, and sex. You can’t get away with that in today’s climate, but that won’t stop Voodoo Circle from trying.” Sex is love.
“Back when I was a carefree graduate student, the band was a fairly typical sword and sorcery themed Euro-power outfit. Despite an artery clogging cheese quotient, the sheer infectious strength of albums like Tales of Mystery and Imagination and The Sacred Talisman all but forced you to get your Balrogs to the wall. Everything changed when Jonny Lindqvist joined as vocalist for 2000s Afterlife opus, slowly shifting the style into a more hard rock oriented sound.” Back from the ash hole of metal history.
“My beloved Angra has influenced a seemingly endless amount of satisfying tribute acts, and three years ago, Vandroya was the new kid on the block. Representing Angra at their speediest and proggiest.” Who doesn’t love them some Angra?
“Despite trying to sound like Death SS via their humble beginnings as a tribute to those guys, Deathless Legacy comes across more as a soporific Halloween-themed Nightwish, but with worse vocals. There are plenty of keyboards, and the tempos don’t generally get too lively. Sadly, ‘Monster Mash’ may actually make for an apt comparison.” So much for the Transylvanian Twist.
“A few years back I had the pleasure of seeing Kamelot live at the only venue in my home state that hosts good metal concerts. It was a brilliant show, with the audience belting every lyric while the band granted us an unanticipated level of interactivity, yet one man I met in the crowd remained nonplussed. Forget one of America’s best power metal bands; this guy was excited as all fuck to catch second-rate supporting act Delain.” Taste is a terrible thing to taste.
“Wait, come back! I know a quarter of you took one look at that lurid, mega-tacky cover and started to turn away in disgust, while another quarter started doing something worse (which results in hair growth in unsightly places). But before you judge this book based on its highly regrettable cover, hear me out. Eden’s Curse is a kind of low-rent “super group” of sorts that’s been puttering around the edges of metaldom since 2007, and despite the absence of household names they’ve managed to release some enjoyably melodic metal albums.” No one expects the Red Riding Hood Inquisition!
“It seems legendary front man and self-proclaimed “Voice of Rock” Jorn Lande is at the point in his lengthy career where he gives zero fucks and does just as he pleases. As much as it pains me to reference yuletide rom-com Love Actually, Jorn is like a heavy metal version of the character Billy Mack, played so righteously by Bill Nighy. He’s old, jaded and out for a buck, a bit of fun and maybe the odd shag. And that’s where Jorn’s ridiculous new vehicle Heavy Rock Radio comes in.” This crow’s watch has not ended.
“Beaten to Death: standard grindcore band name, anything but a standard grindcore band. Featuring ex-She Said Destroy vocalist Anders Bakke, ex-The Cumshots guitarist Tommy Hjelm, and Tsjuder drummer Christian “Bartender” (aka AntiChristian aka Jorn’s drummer since 2014, so you know he’s epic), Beaten to Death formed in 2010 and wasted no time putting out their first record Xes and Strokes just a year later. I missed this at the time because I am a tool, but fortunately Angry Metal Guy (or rather Jordan Campbell) was on hand to enlighten me come 2013 and the release of the band’s sophomore Dødsfest!” Relax, this isn’t really unplugged.
“You know how Kurt Cobain killed Hair Metal? Of course you know; we’ve been through this already. He didn’t. Yes folks, it’s time for your second dose of hair metal in under a month! You see, while AMG has been distracted dealing with Steel Druhm’s incessant efforts to inject more Jorn onto the site by any means necessary, I’ve launched my own elaborately coiffured campaign to restyle Angry Metal Guy into the far more fabulous Hair Metal Guy.” Jorn in the U.S.A.!
“A talented singer can become, in the hands of a skilled songsmith, a powerful tool for artistic expression. In such a craftsman’s nimble fingers, powerful vocals can be woven and molded to create a truly sublime listening experience. Likewise, in the hands of a rank amateur, those same vocal gifts can become nothing but a hammer, and every song the nail.” When you learn who is responsible for crafting songs for these metal legends, you may fear a hammering in your immediate future.
