King Diamond

Attic – Sanctimonious Review

Attic – Sanctimonious Review

Grier walks through swinging double–doors; their rectangular plates and white panels smudged by hundreds of dirty, desperate hands. Along the decades–old, re-waxed checkerboard floors of sun–bleached white and black, the vulnerable Doctor approaches the receptionist’s desk. ‘The doctor is waiting.’ The distinguished Grier makes his way through the buzzer–kept door to the far–end of the faux–marbled hallway. He turns the doorknob to Room 17. Beyond the stuttering fluorescent bulbs overhead, the Doctor finds “Dr.” Landau seated at a walnut–stained desk, just this side of the cherry–red built–ins—bookshelves filled with volumes as convincing as the toupee positioned upon Landau’s head. Grier walks to the glossy, chocolate–brown sofa positioned in the middle of the room. He lies back. Landau looks upon the weathered face and sleep–deprived eyes of the patient. He knows well the sickness the patient suffers.” Physician, heal thyself!

Rage – Seasons of the Black Review

Rage – Seasons of the Black Review

“OK, so maybe I don’t have Netflix and, maybe, I thought Twitter was a porn site. And, maybe, I haven’t owned or played a video game in two decades or watched my beloved Yankees whip the Red Sox in over five years. And, maybe, the reason is that I don’t watch TV (or have one). So what if I like to sit around with my old man and talk about the Battle of Franklin? What if I like to have my breakfast at 4:30 every morning? And, so what if it’s currently 4 am right now? Maybe I have gray in my beard. Maybe I have gray in my pubes. That doesn’t make me fucking old. It’s not my fault I’m way more mature and far busier than the rest of you. You want old? Go find Huck, Steel, and Rage.”Silver and olde, silver and olde.

Yer Metal Is Olde: King Diamond – Abigail

Yer Metal Is Olde: King Diamond – Abigail

“In these tumultuous times, the rights of the fetus, the infant, and the toddler have, somehow, survived. The right to transition from embryo to child in nine days, rather than nine months; the right to lash out and gain complete control of one’s own mother; the right to throw your unsuspecting father down slippery stairs; the right to explore one’s festering sarcophagus and eat until satisfied: these are the rights of our children—born and yet to be born. Privileges first chiseled on stone in 1987, privileges laid down by their founder and greatest defender: King Diamond.” Hail to the King, baby.

Temptation’s Wings – Skulthor Ebonblade Review

Temptation’s Wings – Skulthor Ebonblade Review

“A good concept album is hard to come by these days. When one does rear its ugly head, it seems to be the product of another band seeking the blessings of Helloween, Iced Earth, or Blind Guardian. Which isn’t all bad, considering some of my favorite concepts records are the American and German kind. What this means, though, is most of the concepts records I think of (except for King Diamond, of course) are of the power metal variety. What I don’t think of when I think concept record is doom metal; especially an independent doom metal outfit from North Carolina.” Skulthor who?? He’s not here, come back later.

Cultes Des Ghoules – Coven, or Evil Ways Instead of Love Review

Cultes Des Ghoules – Coven, or Evil Ways Instead of Love Review

“When I was a wee little Grymmling, I developed an addiction to peanut butter cups. I know, it’s hard to get addicted to the heavenly concoction of peanut butter wrapped in milk chocolate, but as a kid, the flavor combination blew my mind. So when I was a teenager and worked my first job, I did what any respectable teen would do; I bought a fuck-ton of peanut butter cups and gorged on them. Needless to say, the stomach issues weren’t pleasant. That memory sprung to mind when I snagged Coven, or Evil Ways Instead of Love, the third full-length by Polish black metal weirdos Cultes Des Ghoules.” Bring forth the Comfy Chair!

Lightning Strikes – Lightning Strikes Review

Lightning Strikes – Lightning Strikes Review

“Well, the US presidential elections are over. And no matter how hard I tried to write and edit reviews last night, I could not ignore the votes rolling in. Sure, the half-bottle of bourbon didn’t help my focus either, but you can’t blame me for trying to take the edge off. After a long night of suspense and bewilderment, this morning finds a fog encasing the house as I wait for a sunrise they tell me should arrive.” To the 80s we must flee!

Anaal Nathrakh – The Whole of the Law Review

Anaal Nathrakh – The Whole of the Law Review

“If there are any bands out there that I can safely claim to have a major allegiance to, it would certainly be England’s Anaal Nathrakh. Maybe it’s because their magic blend of black metal, industrialized noise, grindcore, and even some power metal elements strike a nerve like few other bands do. Or perhaps it’s because, whenever you hear people talk ill about really any type of metal (kill your mother, rape your dog, etc.), chances are the music that Anaal Nathrakh spawns are the exact sounds these people actively imagine in their heads.” Lock up your mothers, lock up your dogs.

Them – Sweet Hollow Review

Them – Sweet Hollow Review

“New the band may be, but the individual members are all seasoned veterans, most notably bassist Mike LePond from Symphony X and drummer Kevin Talley from Suffocation. Markus Ulrich (Lanfear) and Markus Johansson (Sylencer) are on six-string duties and Richie Seibel (also Lanfear) handles the keyboards. Vocalist Troy Norr’s recent experience moonlighting in a King Diamond tribute band informs what Sweet Hollow is all about.” But they do make a good cup of tea….

Swampcult – The Festival Review

Swampcult – The Festival Review

“Hailing from the Netherlands, doom duo Swampcult offer us sophomore outing The Festival – this time in full concept album regalia. We have all heard the myriad odes to Cthulhu and the Elder Ones, of star spawned atrocities and dark bloodlines, replete with many a tentacle toting album cover. Thematically speaking, originality is barely worth discussing; the real question is, as always: is it any good?” Get in your LoveCraft!