“I’ve noticed something weird about me and death metal over the years. No matter how much of it I listen to, it seems like there’s always at least one more big-name underground band that I’ve somehow never come across. Recently, that band came in the form of Dutch quintet Sinister.” Where the hell have you been, Z?
“News from Germany, courtesy of power metal band Victorius: apparently it’s totally fine to remove pesky vowels from words as one sees fit, much in the same way the Brits pretentiously shove “u” into words that never needed it (let the comments war commence)!” Take a vowel, leave a vowel.
“Let’s play a game of ‘guess the genre!’ We have a band with a nondescript, vaguely fantasy-sounding name. Google betrays it to be the Ghanese word for ‘heart.’ The album name is Revangels, which I’m guessing is a contraction of revenge and angels? That seems likely, but I choose to believe it’s about angels that have become groupies for deceased drummer The Rev, instead because that’s more clever than the alternative.” Show no symphony.
“Metalheads saying “I’m a pagan” is, generally speaking, our chosen genre’s equivalent of wine-guzzling middle-aged single women who say they’re “not religious, but spiritual” during those book clubs where Eat, Pray, Love is read in perpetuity. It’s empty posturing made to make someone sound more profound and “enlightened” than they actually are. So-called pagan metal is generally melodic stuff with a lyrical eye to old folklore but, other than that, the definition doesn’t give us a whole lot to go on.” Only join Book of the Dead clubs.
“You know, you can say what you want about female fronted symphonic metal like Nightwish, Within Temptation and Leaves’ Eyes, but they have (or had) some terrific vocalists. Tarja, Sharon van Adel, Simone Simons of Epica, the list goes on. In plenty of cases the music may be tepid and derivative, but at least those golden throats are there to put salve on the wounds and distract from the musical mediocrity.” Throwing shade.
“When Steel Druhm pitched my weekly Hot Pocket and Fanta allotment down the Well of Rookie Souls, he shouted something about it being “ultra mega super cheesy.” I thought he meant my pepperoni-infused beauties, but it turns out he was talking about the cheese-nuke of an assignment he dropped on my work slab.” Loosen the jazz hands.
“The old adage “Never judge a book by its cover” holds firm here. Long story short, I picked Germany’s Ewigheim for review from our list of promos because a certain half-man, half-gorilla who shall forever remain nameless listed them as “black metal” due to the album cover, logo, and the fact that he glanced over the German one-sheet. Hankering for some kvlt blackness of the tr00est order, I grabbed their sixth full-length, Schlaflieder, and was met with… something totally not black metal.” Mistakes were made.
“Sometimes it’s almost impossible not to look back on the past and ask ‘what if?’ As in ‘what if I’d actually taken those piano lessons in middle school and learned to play an instrument?’ or ‘what if I’d actually talked to that cute girl in my sophomore English class and didn’t end up as a single guy in my mid-twenties eating Chinese takeout on my couch while wearing a faded Morbid Angel shirt with the sleeves cut off?’ With debut Distant Call, German thrashy metalcore quartet Awaiting Downfall aim to answer their own versions of this question: what if Trivium didn’t go full Metallicore with The Crusade and instead tried to remake Ember to Inferno?” The implications are staggering!
“Heavenwood charted a strange course over their 20 year career. Coming out of the Portuguese metal scene at the same time as Moonspell, the two bands shared a love of dark gothic rock mixed with elements of black and death metal. Their Diva debut played like Wolfheart filtered through Crematory and The Cure and though less heavy than Moonspell, they were almost as interesting. Then came a ten year hiatus and a radical shift of direction toward the kind of hybrid symphonic goth/black/death style as Septicflesh, Nightfall and to a lesser extent, Rotting Christ.” Pick a card (and a genre).
“Dear mother: my battle for acceptance in the brutal world of AMG Amalgamated Blogworks, Ltd. goes on. I’ve survived the gauntlet of milquetoast prog submissions and am a better man for it. There is no respite for the “New Guy,” however: this week my inbox greeted me with a fist to the face in the form of a French power metal album and I fear I may not survive this next phase. Power metal and France typically do not go hand in hand.” The struggle goes on and on.
