“Every once in a while the metal scene collectively pisses on a band or record and someone needs to step up and defend why they like it. We normally don’t spend a lot of time defending shitty records, but sometimes genuinely interesting or good records get lampooned by an overly conservative heavy metal scene and that calls for a professional contrarian to defend it! If ever there were professional contrarians, it would be the staff of AMG. So here we are to re-hash a record from our past that (some of us) love that everyone else seems to have soured on (or never liked in the first place).” This one is even more indefensible than usual!
Metalcore
Reject the Sickness – Chains of Solitude Review
“The dramatic fall from grace of the often maligned melodic death metal sub-genre is well documented among metalheads. Things were looking so damn rosy during the ’90s heyday.” Ah, those were the days.
Trivium – Silence in the Snow Review
“Well, kids, let this be a lesson to you all. Dropping clickbait jokes and fucking too much with the AMG HR department results in the dropping of various hammers. In my case, punishments manifested themselves in the form of name-calling (Steel called me a “Master Baiter”) and a metalcore promo for review.” The core will flow until you praise our new logo.
Blëed – The Hatred Inside Review
“Imagine third-rate Slayer-worship, a guitar tone so doctored it almost resembles djent, and lyrics so mindlessly asinine and violently vacuous that they actually pain me to hear them. Throw in a faltering vocalist and unimaginative song-writing and you have The Hatred Inside. Intrigued?” Better than fourth-rate Slayer, right?
Enabler – Fail to Feel Safe Review
“Last year Enabler put out one hell of a record in La Fin Absolue du Monde. I didn’t score it, as we don’t do that for our Things You Might Have Missed features, but you can tell how much I loved it by its presence at the top of my Top Ten end-of-year list, above even Voices’ wonderful London. Looking back I might swap them around, but no matter; it’s a killer album, so when Madam X received the promo for Enabler’s latest opus she kindly sent it in my direction. I was, naturally, throbbing with anticipation.” Sometimes life can rob your throb.
Ambassador Gun – Tomb of Broken Sleep Review
““Awesome, more grindcore, I love reviewing grindcore!” I thought when the AMG carrier pigeon delivered this record to my PO box the other week. Then I became concerned for the state of my memory, because I haven’t ever reviewed any grindcore. I also don’t remember Steel Druhm or Madam X implementing a carrier pigeon-based promo distribution system, but at least that explains where all those record label bribes have gone to. Training good pigeons ain’t cheap you know.” The eagle has landed. I repeat, the eagle has landed!
I Am the Trireme – Gnosis: Never Follow the Light Review
“Electing to join the I Am the Wooden Object Club before The Table Himself even did, I Am the Trireme’s name can be described as “I am the Phoenician, ancient Greek, or Roman naval vessel with three rows of oars.” Luckily they didn’t pick that one, but in the spirit of needlessly long names, they’ve called their first full-length Gnosis: Never Follow the Light. We know right off the bat that these guys can produce pretentious sounding names for things, but that’s not what we’re here for; we’re here to see what they bring to the Hetfield musically.” We are also the table. And the oar bench.
iwrestledabearonce – Hail Mary Review
“Let’s talk metalcore. The much-maligned genre derided by all the ‘cultured’ as trash, which shifts off the shelves faster than a jet-powered jaguar amongst those with ‘plebeian’ tastes. You, loyal reader, have disparaged the genre at one time, just as I did – there was a phase where the merest hint of a breakdown induced spontaneous and forceful ejection of my stomach’s contents. As a younger chap, I was taking my first tentative steps into the self-absorbed swamp that is metal just as metalcore was taking off, and I’ve observed its explosion and subsequent implosion with due care.” It’s down to the wire, can we get a Hail Mary over here?
We Butter the Bread With Butter – Wieder Geil! Review
“I don’t care how your last album, Golderkind, left your fans “irritated,” and how with Wieder Geil! (“Horny Again”) you aim to win them back. I don’t care that your target audience seems to be people who were jamming Attack! Attack! circa 2008. I don’t care, because I’m only here to judge your music.” Basically, he just doesnt care anymore.
Nekrogoblikon – Heavy Meta Review
“We all have a little touch of crazy inside us. You know what I mean; trapped laughter that rumbles out with such force it makes your belly hurt. Sadly with all the hullabaloo and day-to-day grind we forget to stop and breath, but more importantly, we forget to laugh. American melo-death merchants, Nekrogoblikon have made it their mission to remind us that tapping into our crazy and embracing the silly is just downright necessary and I support that!” Goblins are the medium, meta is the message.