“Originally Steel Druhm was going to write this review, but I used my Inception-like powers to convince him I should handle it. I’ve spent the days since, chewing on my nails, wondering what the hell I’ve gotten myself into – no pressure at all! What to write?” Don’t screw this up, rookie!
“I’m a rare steak man. It doesn’t have to bleed to be palatable, but it probably wouldn’t hurt. After tossing a couple sirloins on the grill for dinner, my fiancée asked how I was liking X-Method. A blood-tinged fugue immediately compelled me to follow her back into the house so that someone, anyone, would listen to the ensuing oral diarrhea. Fifteen minutes later, my untended steaks were completely overcooked. X-Method ruined my dinner and my stomach demands recompense.” That steak is now like Thor’s hammer – runed!
“I’m not going to lie, I have the biggest fucking headache right now. And who is to blame for this ailment? Bon-fucking-Jovi. Why in hell would I be listening to Bon Jovi, you might be asking? Because Jaded Heart’s back-catalog resurfaced my hard-helmet, classic-rock listening, construction-work nightmares. Yep, you read right. I said Jaded Heart. Why would I dare review such a thing, you may also be asking? Well, curiosity killed the cat.” Paul Baloff actually killed that cat because it was a poser!
“Poland’s been the source of some great metal over the years. Behemoth probably comes to mind first, being that Nergal’s the master of controversy and the court room. But putting that aside, there’s Vader, Decapitated, Hate and Lux Occulta, who along with many others have been delivering the goods and then some. Somewhere in the throng, the talents of one-man, black metal or dark ambient artist, Fabian Filiks (Moloch) of Zørormr became a little obscured.” One does not simply hear all the bands in Poland.
“Pete Helmkamp’s varied projects over the years have one special unifying quality: there is something unsettling about them all that transcends music and hits the core of your being, reminding you that the world is an immaculately fucked up place and our tenure on it is tentative at best. Larvae Offal Swine, the debut album under the moniker Abhomine, is Helmkamp’s first true solo effort in which he wrote and performed all of the music with the exception of the drums. How does this nigh legendary extreme metal front man stand when on his own?” Offal before swine?
“British heavy metal forefathers Diamond Head are best known for their debut album, 1980’s Lightning To The Nations. That album rightfully earned them a cult following due to its bombastic metal-via-Zeppelin riffage, and its classic status was cemented when 5 of the album’s 7 tracks were covered by a certain San Francisco quartet called Metallica. For most people, the story ends there, but Diamond Head went on to endure several decades of lineup changes, mismanagement, and questionable musical direction.” And now for the rest of the story.
“My introduction proper to Anvil came at the pubescent age of 14 when I chose Pound for Pound as one of my 12 introductory cassettes from the Columbia House Record Club. I’d heard a song here, a song there, but Pound for Pound was the first platter I heard from nuts to noggin. My initial feeling? Underwhelmed.” Will the new platter whelm Mr. Kikuras?
“diSEMBOWELMENT left quite a mark with their one-and-only album, 1993’s brilliant Transcendence into the Peripheral, before disbanding later that year. In the ensuing decades since, many doom/death hybrids have come and gone and few have come close to attaining the lofty heights ascended by the sadly-missed Australians. So, when bassist (now guitarist) Matthew Skarajew and drummer Paul Mazziotta would regroup as d.USK in 2011 playing the old classics with new members, I was excited to check out a band that I missed after they had called it a day.” They’re back, but is it bowely enough?
“What do you get when the length of time between a band’s demo and their first full-length debut is longer than the entire life of the guy writing about it? This review, that’s what. Next, what do you name your record when you release it sixteen years after we all drained our bathtubs because Y2K ended up not shutting down the municipal water supply? 2.0.1.6, if you’re kvlt Swedish band Mefisto.” Y2K was a ploy by the Illuminati!
“I should probably hate this album. I’ve been having some difficulty trying to explain why I like Bombus’s sophomore Century Media release, Repeat until Death, but as Jordan Campbell would tell me: that’s my job. But it’s possibly easier to let me explain, first, why I shouldn’t like it. Because, trust me, I’m as confused as anyone about this whole thing and I need to get my thoughts straight.” AMG needs some space.
