“I’m sure you are looking at the title of the review and my name being attached to it, and getting all sorts of nervous and anxious. Well, don’t be. We all know that Mayhem is one of the most influential black metal bands around, but we also know that their name is synonymous with both divisiveness within the fanbase and severe fluctuations in quality.” After his scandalous bashing of De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas, we just knew Grymm was the man to review this.
“”One of the most hateful and gloomy records Norway has spawned,” “a twisted remedy for joy and must have for black metal enthusiasts.” Seems the promo gods are oozing praise like a big fat weepy festering boil for this little super-group of ex-Gorgoroth, 1349, Koldbrann, Fortíd and Nidingr members!” Hey look, another “super group.” Blah!
“A few years ago, his majesty Steel Druhm reviewed Insense’s, Burn in Beautiful Fire, and hated the shit out of it, incensing many a fanboy. It was, according to him, “third-rate metalcore with all the emo/screamo pap that goes along with that craptastic style”, and by the end of the review he was ready to build a church out of copies of the album just to trick Varg Vikernes into beautifully turning them all to ash. Naturally, Steel never wants to hear a single chug out of these Norwegians again, so the task of reviewing De:Evolution has plummeted down the totem pole into my hopeful hands. “Hooray!” comes the cry of the fans, “Surely this new reviewer will bring justice to our beloved Insense, and right the wrongs of that petulant website which we shall not name.” Or will he…?” Judgment awaits!
“Every once in a while the metal scene collectively heaps too much praise on a band or record and someone needs to step up and announce that the Emperor has no clothing. We normally don’t spend a lot of time attacking beloved records, but sometimes genuinely overrated records get far too much love from the metal sheeples and that calls for a professional contrarian to set things right! If ever there were professional contrarians, they would be us at AMG.” Grymm decides to kick the sacred cow of Norwegian black metal and stir up a hornets nest of frigid fury. Ask us for his phone number and we just may give it to you.
“Back in 2012 I reviewed Ragnarok’s Malediction and promptly fell hard for the band’s fifth vocalist – HansFyrste. His blend of Hell and damnation hit all the right spots with this AMG spokeswoman for all things “necro,” and naturally prompted me to go scrummaging around into his side projects.” When Madam X scrummages, black metal reviews get written. Read all about her latest bout of stalking and obsession.
“Allow me to give some context: I have much more experience with Sunn O))) than with Ulver. Frankly, Ulver hasn’t really interested me for a very long time. But Sunn O)))’s collaborations have a great track record; their album with Boris was tremendous stuff — experimental music at its finest. And if there’s anything to take from Terrestrials, it’s that music isn’t mathematic and there’s no certainty that with all the right elements you’ll come out with an amazing album.” Can these two titans of weird possibly fail to make an interesting collaboration? Sheesh, is nothing certain anymore?
“With a career spanning a near lifetime (20-years to be exact), Kampfar refuse to sit squarely in any one particular niche. They shamelessly delivered their self-titled EP, Mellom Skogkledde Aaser and Fra Underverdenen as part of their first creative wave, hitting you up with old school black metal with the typical raw traditionalism you’ve come to expect of a two-man Norwegian act. When that didn’t translate into a particularly nifty live performance, more members were added and the the band forged ahead with with their second creative wave delivering Kvass and Heimgang….” Madam X surfs the waves of black metal as brought to you by Kampfar. But is their next wave worth catching?
The good people reading this blog will certainly not be offended if I start this review with a personal note. The problem is that, sometimes, I feel that in order to be able to express an individual judgement on an album, you have to try and see things from a different perspective. The world is full of people in bad faith and scribes with no taste in music, but problems arise when the two categories merge and ignorant self-assuredness is given a blank page and a word processor. With this in mind, the point of view on the opposite side of the spectrum is undoubtedly the most interesting and challenging one, so for this reason, and for this reason only, Messe I.X–VI.X is an incredibly arrogant and presumptuously conceited piece of contemporary music.
“Ihsahn records used to get a breathless introduction about how incredible the former Emperor frontman’s solo career was. While this might still be true for some breathless fans, it is not the case for me. While I am still a huge fan of The Adversary and angL, both Eremita and its predecessor After left me cold.” Das seelenbrechen is Ihsahn’s newest crack at a solo record. Will it leave this Angry Metal Guy as cold as the man’s last two records?
“Extreme metal has a problem: It’s aggressively conservative. For a culture that’s supposed to be about pushing forward – physically, intellectually, musically – it too often circles back into itself. The supposed outsiders and iconoclasts that comprise the metal scene rabidly pounce on opportunities to become insiders and conformists. Wanna write about metal? Rub the right elbows and suck ass for “access.” Wanna proclaim your allegiance to poseur-crushing death metal? Join a club. Wanna start a band? Grab a template and start building your box from the inside out. Ah, you want to go for the gusto, don’t you? You want to start a band. Good for you. Now: What kind of metal do you want to play? Thrash metal? Death metal? Black metal? Because there are rules, kid. You need to tweak your tone. Bolster your BPM. Hire the right artist. Wear the right t-shirts. You need to minimize risk. Unless you were born with gigantic balls. And you’re Beaten To Death.” Got an appetite for risk defying grind? Follow Jordan Campbell to the promised land.
