“I can address the Arch Enemy-shaped elephant in the room with For I Am King. A female vocalist, a Gothenburg-inspired guitar attack, just enough metalcore riffage to keep things relatable – Crown has got it all. To be clear, there is nothing cutting edge about it; if it’s riffs you want, ask and you shall receive. Don’t approach Crown expecting to come away with the prototype of the new breed of melodeath or a newfound respect for Arch Enemy.” Arch usurper.
“Over the years, I find it difficult to look into the promo bin and not find myself becoming jaded with the biographical fluffery that accompanies each and every album that we review. For every one (and usually just one) album that nonchalantly flips the entire genre we all love on its head, there are literally thousands of bands that lay claim to boundaries being pushed, subgenres being blended, and new ideas being brought forth in a storm of creative energy when, in reality, it’s just the same damn thing we’ve been fed over and over again. So, when Danish quintet Billy Boy in Poison proclaims that they’ve created “a unique take on death metal with a modern, razor-sharp sound and even some metalcore vibes,” my eyebrows furrow.” Poison, hype, and delusion.
“I’m not sure how everyone got their start with metal, but there had to be a bit of a transition to the more extreme stuff, unless you eat nails for breakfast while listening to Cryptopsy’s None So Vile. Unlike you sausage or oatmeal or vegemite shippers who are descended from the yesteryears of heavy, thrash, or doom, I enjoy my eggs with my bacon: my origins of Christian metalcore a la Demon Hunter, Haste the Day, and Oh Sleeper stick with me. While metalcore has not been the kindest to me thus far in 2021, I’m always rooting for any that may wander across my lap like a feral kitten. Is Nothing Noble available for adoption?” Dismay Day.
“Right now, while the rest of the United States is either snowing or trying to thaw, right in my happy home in Florida, it’s starting to become summer already. While many people find this concept idyllic, in reality it feels kinda gross and dreary. The sudden increase in temperatures and humidity, along with grey skies, compounds feelings of dread and sadness as the grey permeates and hovers until the skies finally break, and we are delivered that deluge of rain that makes everything somewhat better. It’s rare to come across an album that captures that break effectively. Wilt & Blossom, the debut album by Danish upstarts Cartographs, managed to do so with great ease.” Haze of torment.
“While I dislike music competitions as much as anyone, there’s something to be said for the worldwide Metal Battle program, involving 27 countries and hundreds of fledgling bands. Organized by Wacken, you can at least trust there will be no significant genre bias, unlike general music competitions. And while winners may be to your taste or not, they can always be deemed competent at the very least. Sunless Dawn won the 2016 Denmark Metal Battle, but it took them until now to release their debut, the hour-long progressive behemoth that is Timeweaver.” Greater Danes.
“Over the past few years, Copenhagen’s most gruesome residents have established one of the world’s most fetid death metal breeding grounds, with acts like Phrenelith, Undergang, and Taphos garnering global attention. But with one look at the album art — say nothing of the band photo — you’ll recognize that we’re not going to hear from that ilk today. Instead, Piqia forces us to consider the lighter side of the city’s metal scene.” Pastels and prog.
“Thank you for registering your interest for the Daze of June – Heart of Silver Situational Response Kit. Here at Anodyne Metalcore Industries™ we pride ourselves on delivering products that are designed for any delicate occasion in need of a solution. Below you will find a number of scenarios that outline the efficacy of our product. With its polished delivery and muted dynamics, Daze of June – Heart of Silver can be counted on when a calming, neutered experience is called for, no matter how fragile the circumstances. Be assured that this Danish-made item is professionally engineered and focus-tested to give you exactly what you expect with no surprises or unwanted excitement.” Fake Placid.
“Defecto play a mixture of power metal and mainstream metalcore, citing influences like Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold and Symphony X. It’s a sound aiming for stadiums and main stages at major festivals; accessible, catchy and big in a Broadway sense.” Show tune core.
“Dedicated readers of this very website will know that Kronos fears neither God nor core, and I picked Waver out of the promo bin knowing full well what I was getting myself into.” Did you though?
“Before I write this review, let me educate the non-American readers of this fine website about the amazing about-face that happens this time of year. Just one day before I finalized this review, our nation celebrated Thanksgiving, a day where we all sit around the table, eat turkey, unsuccessfully avoid all conversations about politics, and above all give thanks for what we have. I mention this because 24 hours later, a phenomenon known as Black Friday began. A day where all promises of thanks and gratefulness are dashed.” Fight for that discount waffle maker!
