Punk Rock

Glitter Wizard – Opera Villains Review

Glitter Wizard – Opera Villains Review

“The AMG higher-ups fancy themselves benevolent despots. That’s because they allow us relative freedom to choose our own promos and surprise us with pizza and hobo wine office parties now and then. Occasionally they’ll even offer tepid praise after our reviews are published. Sure, the quarterly beatings leave marks, but they rarely break the skin. Then again, if they see us getting too comfortable, they’ll assert their authority by assigning reviews that leave us just enough rope to hang ourselves. They might make brutal boi Kronos review symphonic power metal, or give our morose Muppet a jaunty pirate metal sing-along. For reasons beyond my understanding, they saw the words Glitter Wizard in the promo sump and thought, “Now there’s a stop-bang pooper doop if we’ve ever seen one, and we know just the writer for the job.”” Feel the opera.

Children of Technology – Future Decay Review

Children of Technology – Future Decay Review

“There comes a time in your life when you have to say to yourself, “Self, what’s wrong with you? Sure, you have responsibilities… obligations, even. What would happen if you were to just, I dunno, shut your brain off for a little wild and just go happily apeshit? You know… legally, of course. You have to be at work in the morning and your significant other will be pissed if he/she has to pick you up in jail at 4 am.” Italy’s Children of Technology pretty much have your soundtrack ready for you with Future Decay.” Release the Moshkenstein!

On Top – Top to Bottom Review

On Top – Top to Bottom Review

“Sift through the empty beer bottles in the dustiest recesses of your mind and head back to 2011. On Top‘s début Top Heavy hits the shelves and like its cheesy 80s era cover art, the contents reeked with the stench of immaturity. Three years on and Philideliphia’s On Top haven’t changed their leopard print cock-rocking undies!” Animal print undies are never a sign of maturity. Never.

Shitfucker – Suck Cocks In Hell Review

Shitfucker – Suck Cocks In Hell Review

“On the surface, there’s a lot to hate about Shitfucker. The hacky, try hard Vice interview that introduced them to the world didn’t do them any favors. Neither did their stylized swastika logo, nor the fact that their moniker is reminiscent of the nickname I gave to my third grade bus driver. Combine these elements with the comically lo-fi crap-stomp of lead single “Sex Dungeon,” and this band was easy to hate: A group of low-talent, low-class scum-fucks looking to capitalize on a strange metallic affinity for sleaze that rarely reconciles with the listener’s world view. Red flags were everywhere. I mean, how could an album called Suck Cocks In Hell be construed as anything other than cheap gimmickry?” How indeed?? Watch as Jordan Campbell somehow makes sense of this senseless abomination.

90s Metal Weirdness: MD.45 – The Craving

90s Metal Weirdness: MD.45 – The Craving

Cast your minds back to a time when metal music was not cool. Nay, indeed, a time when metal was anathema to all that was considered to be “chic” and “in.” A time when your favorite bands were actually encouraged by the music industry to play slower, cut their hair, and write sensitive lyrics about their childhoods. Yes, this unfortunately really happened.

Our new semi-irregular feature “90s Metal Weirdness” focuses on albums released between 1992 and 2001 and which we all probably would rather forget. But in the public service of publicly shaming the musicians involved, we have pushed forward.

Mose Giganticus – Gift Horse Review

Mose Giganticus – Gift Horse Review

Every now and then, a band comes along and I’m utterly at a loss for how to classify them in the official Steel Druhm Book O™ Metal [That’s what you get for not using the Angry Book o’ Metal Classifications, n00b. – AMG]. Generally, this causes me anger and vexation, but I always give a nod of appreciation for the bands that resist easy classification. The latest recipient of the nod is Gift Horse, the second album by Mose Giganticus, for they have truly baffled my considerable pigeonholing acumen. They have forced even me to admit I’m stumped. Mose Giganticus is apparently a one-man entity created by Matthew Garfield, a staple of the Philly punk rock scene for some time. While some of that punk ethos is apparent on Gift Horse, this isn’t exactly a punk album. What is it then? Good question!! Let’s try to piece this puzzle together shall we.