Review

King Giant – Black Ocean Waves Review

King Giant – Black Ocean Waves Review

“Czar Behemoth. Kaiser Leviathan. Sister Fluffyheart. These are just three of the names left on the drawing board when King Giant landed on their identity. The cunning subtlety of this name obfuscates great simplicity in their chosen style, drawing on the likes of Kyuss and Down for a Southern-influenced, rollicking doom metal release, entitled Black Ocean Waves.” I’d have gone with El Presidente Gigante myself.

The Armed – Untitled Review

The Armed – Untitled Review

“Detroit’s The Armed caught fire in 2012 with their second EP, Spreading Joy and haven’t lost momentum since then; successive years have seen EPs, splits, and singles, but until now an LP has been elusive. Now we know why. This LP, left untitled, is an out-of-left-field insurgency, absolutely decimating the group’s previous output and reinventing the mosh-friendly and hard-hitting mathcore that made “Cop Friends” and “Sterling Results” smash skulls and wreck cervicals.” And worst cover of the year goes to….

I Am the Trireme – Gnosis: Never Follow the Light Review

I Am the Trireme – Gnosis: Never Follow the Light Review

“Electing to join the I Am the Wooden Object Club before The Table Himself even did, I Am the Trireme’s name can be described as “I am the Phoenician, ancient Greek, or Roman naval vessel with three rows of oars.” Luckily they didn’t pick that one, but in the spirit of needlessly long names, they’ve called their first full-length Gnosis: Never Follow the Light. We know right off the bat that these guys can produce pretentious sounding names for things, but that’s not what we’re here for; we’re here to see what they bring to the Hetfield musically.” We are also the table. And the oar bench.

Chaos Magic – Chaos Magic Review

Chaos Magic – Chaos Magic Review

“Timo Tolkki is a busy chap. Sure, he isn’t Vardan busy, but I don’t begrudge anyone time to enjoy of deep vacations, not even the former mastermind of Stratovarius. While maintaining his Timo Tolkki’s Avalon project and manning the writing desk for the Allen/Lande albums, you’d think the man would be all tied up. Yet he found time to team with Chilean songbird Caternia Nix to create Chaos Magic, a mega-melodic goth-metal outfit looking to horn in on the sales of Within Temptation, Sirenia and all the other rack metal denizens.” There’s no chaos to see here, move along.

Valdur – Pathetic Scum Review

Valdur – Pathetic Scum Review

“From Vardan to Valdur, the jump doesn’t seem huge from a naming perspective, but in terms of what the two bands offer, the chasm couldn’t be wider. Hailing from a small mountain town in the beating heart of the Sierra Mountains where the Death Valley desert meets Mt. Whitney, Valdur drew its first rattling breath back in 2005 with a short independently released demo. What I can tell you is that if you go all fanboy over Bathory’s The Return… then Pathetic Scum could be the return you’ve been waiting for.” American Bathory? That sounds like a great movie title.

Atavismo – Desintergracion EP Review

Atavismo – Desintergracion EP Review

“Truth is, I envy the good people of Spain. Even if they didn’t host those big metal festivals and benefit from constant visits by artists who would never think of coming to my native México, their concert-goer logistical advantages are undeniably desirable. For example, they can jump on a train for a few hours for the chance to, say, attend one of the Altar of Plagues farewell tour dates (fuck, that hurt more than it should’ve), whereas, if I want to catch a train to the US, it would have to be “La Bestia.” Yes that’s Spanish for “The Beast,” also un-ironically known as, “The Death Train.”” And don’t try to use that as excuse to work from home either, son!

Lorna Shore – Psalms Review

Lorna Shore – Psalms Review

Lorna Shore: if you’re not a big fan of deathcore (and let’s be honest, you probably aren’t) you either have never heard of the band, or only know them because of that fucking cat video. That changes today. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but these guys have something special going on – or at least they seemed to after 2012’s Bone Kingdom EP. They’re definitely core – the singer’s earlobes could be used to bundle asparagus and those blast beats sure as hell aren’t acoustic – yet also, well, really good.” But aren’t we supposed to hate deathcore?

To/Die/For – Cult Review

To/Die/For – Cult Review

“I’m going out on an emo limb here, but Finland’s To/Die/For had a run of three albums where they released some of the best goth metal the world ever saw. From Jaded to Wounds Wide Open they were completely unfuckable with for slick, uber hooky sad boy rock, and to this day I’m still all over those platters like a beast. Then came the endless line up conundrums and inner turmoil and the band broke up and reformed several times…and it looked like the end was nigh for the reigning kings of Finnish gloom and my little black heart was both achy and breaky.” It’s time to open your scar diaries once again.

District 97 – In Vaults Review

District 97 – In Vaults Review

“Ah yes, progressive metal/rock, the genre with one of the worst palatable-to-garbage ratios and a catalyst that often makes gifted musicians churn out forgettable pieces of music that serve no purpose other than to act as vessels of said instrumental talents. Yes, that is a platitude that everyone’s aware of at this point, but it also rings true very often. Then again, when prog’s done well, it can be really good.” Ready the Noodle Monitor!

Dew-Scented – Intermination Review

Dew-Scented – Intermination Review

“Apart from boasting the wimpiest band name this side of Raunchy, Germany’s Dew-Scented have built a substantial body of work since releasing their debut album Immortale back in 1996. Drawing influence from classic German thrash bloodlines and manipulating them into their own deathlier take on modern thrash, the band has plugged away through an almost comical amount of line-up changes to arrive at their tenth full-length album, Intermination.” Should you do the Dew?