“In the rich annals of metal bands crossing over into unintentional parody, Sacred Steel looms large. The perpetually over-the-top cheese fueled trve metal warriors led by “unorthodox” vocalist Gerrit P. Mutz have been pounding on the doors of the Great Hall ov Great Metal demanding entrance since 1997 only to be met with a shrug and a “No Solicitation” sign. But ignore them at your peril, for they’re as relentless as they are comical.” In trvth there is pain.
“It’s funny to think about how long it has been since the golden age of Swedish metal. In the mid-to-late ’90s and early aughts, Swedish bands were atop the world. Now venerable legends were young, hungry and novel. 1995 saw the release of Slaughter of the Soul, The Gallery and Orchid, while the following year graced us with Morningrise and The Jester Race. And when I got into Opeth in 1998 I was swimming in a veritable ocean of amazing Swedish records. Despite my love of the band, I would have laughed if someone had suggested that Opeth—the guys who couldn’t write a song shorter than 10 minutes—would be the most successful of the bunch in 20 years. Maybe it’s obvious in retrospect. Opeth was the band with the broadest opportunities for evolution. They have shown that consistently in their long career. Record after record they evolve; sometimes for the better and sometimes not. But they have always been forward thinking and—given their recent moves into merch and their own imprint—clever.” But is the new album good?
“Tipper Gore’s worst fears incarnate. A horrifying concoction of apathy and malaise wrapped in a delectable sheet of hatred, drowned in a bath of contempt represented here by club sauce. Great for parties, ask your caterer for details.” Time to rustle the jimmies.
“Noise Pollution are an Italian band with a tenuous grip on the English language and an equally shaky understanding of good music. And honestly, if this is what you’re going to call your band, it better be tongue in cheek and your band better not suck, or you’re just asking for it in a review.” Ask and answered.
“For those who love the bizarre black/grind/punk that vocalist Chris Francis and multi-instrumentalist Garry Brents have been producing since Cara Neir’s 2008 inception, Despair, has been a hotly anticipated record indeed. So turn off the lights, grab some white wine, and get ready to sulk in the corner as we explore the hopelessness of Perpetual Despair Is the Human Condition.” Does white wine even go with existential angst?
“It should be fairly apparent by now that I loves me some doom. As of late, I’ve been on an almost exclusively doom-rich diet: death-doom, blackened doom, even “esoteric doom.” I’m beginning to think it might be high time to cut down; after all, a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. But, as always, I’m suckered in by that one last bite… This particular tender morsel comes to me in the form of Americans Cardinal Wyrm and their third release Cast Away Souls, and as it happens, it’s deceptively filling.” Commence the doom shaming.
“For black metal songwriters in search of strong conceptual themes, few subjects capture the imagination like the intricate folklore of European paganism. Not only are the old myths and traditions fascinating in their own right, the celebration of pre-Christian heritage is unequivocally akin to waving a big fat middle finger in the direction of modern religion – a practice firmly in line with the general ethos of the genre. Hailing from the town of Ahlen in western Germany, Heimdalls Wacht are one such band. Describing themselves rather extravagantly as ‘anti-Christian pagan musical art.'” Music art for the pagan soul.
“Ah, the seventies. An excellent decade for wanton sex, drug abuse and consequently, psychedelic music. In the common mindset, the foremost psychedelic band is of course Pink Floyd, and with good reason. But another influential band that tends to get overlooked, is Hawkwind, who had a bit more oomph than the aforementioned space rock colossus, using experimental timbres and textures to accentuate their otherwise fairly straightforward proto-metal. The influence of Hawkwind (who, amazingly, are still around) is clear on the debut of the trippy Swedish quartet Katla.” A might (Hawk)wind blows.
“For the last fifteen, this Norwegian duo have been turning out album after album of crusty, blackened heavy metal. Using these recent records as the balancing weight to their black metal counterparts. Though fans may be split on which seat they prefer on this dilapidated teeter totter from Hell, Darkthrone ain’t returning to their old, black metal ways. And Arctic Thunder is proof of that, adding even more weight to the leather-draped seat on this hellish seesaw.” Sounds of a playground…nearing?
“Wait, come back! I know a quarter of you took one look at that lurid, mega-tacky cover and started to turn away in disgust, while another quarter started doing something worse (which results in hair growth in unsightly places). But before you judge this book based on its highly regrettable cover, hear me out. Eden’s Curse is a kind of low-rent “super group” of sorts that’s been puttering around the edges of metaldom since 2007, and despite the absence of household names they’ve managed to release some enjoyably melodic metal albums.” No one expects the Red Riding Hood Inquisition!
