“September’s Filter is extra late. It’s extra late for a wide array of reasons, not the least of which involved this sponge working long hours several weeks on end, the looming threat of list season, and a flu scare. But I refuse to let my “colleagues” sit idly by and skimp out on getting my Filter cleaned out. So, I chased them all over the AMG campus until they submitted—or suffered.” Suffer the Filters.
“Leaf-looker season rapidly approaches. It’s time to batten down the hatches, get your grandparents’ affairs in order, take all of the money out of your bank accounts and stuff the cash in your mattresses, and buy six different kinds of shotgun with enough ammo to fill your entire Volvo station wagon. And, of course, we can’t forget to give the filter an extra deep clean as the constant tourist traffic whips dirt and grime into the air and into our precious filtration system.” Clogged gutters and Filter clutters.
“It’s fucking hot as balls outside. Sweat pours from every pore. The scent of hard work and filth emanates from my flesh, despite only just arriving at the exterior ingress point of our HQ’s needy filtration system. I can feel the scalding metal of the grate threatening to blister my fingers before I even touch it.” Hot 4 Filter.
“Another month, another filter to scrape clean. We really should invest in a better air filtration system, or we should fire Holdeneye and Steel Druhm. Those two beefy hairballs of sweat and questionable odors really clog things up around here. But I digress…” Overlooked platters and mysterious splatters.
“As the school year wraps up and I enter the odd throwback of what those in academia often refer to as summer “break,” you would assume that I’d have a ton more time to sift through the disgusting Filter at AMG HQ. But no. Because the world is a fuck, as are all of the people in it except for me and maybe Dr. A.N. Grier, I’m elbow deep in a moldy, claustrophobic trap named boredom.” Free time means better filter scrubbing.
“Another month, another disgusting panel to unhinge, and another tunnel to de-grime. As the resident sponge, I assume the primary responsibility for herding the writing talent into these tight metal corridors, leading the way as we all get covered in thirty day’s worth of dead skin, even deader rodents, and this weird yellow slime that seems to ooze from nearly every seam.” Clogs, cogs, and hogs.
“The middle of April (or the beginning of May, depending on the amount of superfluous bureaucracy this segment must trudge through before its inevitable publication) is upon us, and with that comes yet another opportunity to get our hands, feet, and other appendages dirty in the service of our overburdened filtration system. Newly rebuilt after last month’s demolition, the Filter has already taken significant abuse, such is the muck and mess that oozes from every gangrenous orifice of our “esteemed” crew.” This is why we can’t have nicely filtered things.
“The year trundles on, and the world only gets angrier. As above, so below, and we below are very, very angry. So angry, in fact, that we decided to makeshift some spiked Louisville Sluggers and demolish our filtration system entirely. Fuck the system! And wouldn’t you know it? There was a ton of shiny nuggets strewn amongst the rubble that once was our only means of cleaning the “air” we breathe down here. Ah well, who needs it!” Rage against the dying of the Filter.
“January 2022 has been surprisingly strong for me here at Angry Metal Guy. Normally the first couple months of the year make me question whether I even like metal anymore, but this year started off with a pretty loud bang for a change. Our collective expectation that only the loosest of shit would slough down the pipeline created a situation where we missed a few quality movements.” Welcome to the Super Bowel!
“November had a pretty solid assortment of quality releases, both covered by us truly and unnoticed by the ascendant elite. Luckily, the intellectuals and high-IQ-having filtration team successfully dug out sparkly gems from the gross mesh of the Filter this month. Whether you agree with or support these choices depends on your innate ability to understand music and its intricate nuance.” Filter and gold.
